The Giving Away of a Daughter - A Father's Day Meditation... - After the Altar Call

Hello World,

As you hopefully realize, today is Father’s Day! Last month, it seemed the world over celebrated their mothers for Mother’s Day with unabashed praise and adoration, but for many, Father’s Day is decidedly less shiny…If Mother’s Day is a sun high up in the sky, brilliant day. Father’s Day is a sun behind the clouds day, a day that could go either way…Maybe it’s because Father’s Day dredges up painful remembrances of fathers that did not live up expectations for some…(Hallmark has even created a Father’s Day card for black women 🙁 )Or maybe Father’s Day is not as shiny a day as Mother’s Day because although children are created by mothers and fathers, mothers literally bear a more tangible connection to their children…

Thankfully, I cherish my mother as much as I do my father…I have written about my father in “Color Him Father, Color Him Love (An oldie but goodie…)” and “Reflections on being a Preacher’s Daughter Without the Reality Show…” and now I have a new memory to share…As I was preparing to get married a year ago, I was not only aware that I was taking Robert’s hand to walk with him for the rest of our days, I was also keenly aware that I was letting go of the hand of the man that had loved me best…My Dear Ole Daddy :)…And it made me sad even in the midst of my joy…And I was nervous too…Although I had been living on my own for many years, I always felt that my Dad was watching out for me…While we did not expressly talk about all of this, I think he was processing his own set of feelings too…Sometimes I would catch him looking at me. And though his eyes were directed toward me, but they would be focused on something or maybe some place else…

When it was time to actually plan the events of the reception, I waffled about asking him to dance with me at the reception…After all, this was the same man who showed up at one of my high school dances wearing his pajamas and a trench coat to drag me out of there…But my mom suggested I ask him anyway…I was surprised when he said, “yes.” Our Father-Daughter Dance was kind of awkward, but I think it illuminated what was going on in our hearts…I imagine it’s incredibly awkward to give a daughter away after you remember when your daughter was just a thought and then that thought became a tiny human being that you watched grow into a woman…And as much I looked forward to moving forward with Robert, it was awkward to realize another man would be the keeper of the treasure trove of my heart…

And although that transition is taking shape every day that passes by, I’m glad I’ve (or rather God) chosen a man that possesses the kindness of my father…My father makes the effort to be kind to all living creatures from animals to human beings…I remember when I was in fifth grade, I had a fluffy black dog named Buffy and she would follow my father and I as we walked to my bus stop each morning. One morning, after I was picked up from the bus stop, a car hit Buffy and she died. My father carried my bleeding, dead dog all the way from the bus stop down a hill to the back yard of our home where he buried her…I see that same kindness in my husband when I feel like I’m about to unleash hell with my mouth until I look at Robert…He doesn’t even have to say anything. With his eyes, he tells that he doesn’t want to fight…And nothing makes you feel more savage than picking a fight with someone who refuses to do so…

According to the June 12 The Atlantic article “Masters of Love,” research has demonstrated that “kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage. Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, and validated—feel loved.” I’m so grateful that I have a kind father and now I have a kind husband…

Wedding planning for a woman, like no other event, forces you to reflect on the relationship you have or don’t have with your father…And now that I have planned a wedding, I’m drawn to wedding planning…I’ve been watching the wedding planning of Real Housewives of Atlanta star star Kandi Burruss to Todd Tucker…In last week’s episode, Kandi and her father discussed their troubled relationship which included him being absent from her life for a year at a time sometimes…Still, she asked her father, who is now a pastor and presumably a changed man, to officiate at her wedding…See the exchange below…

Tonight’s episode ( Bravo, 8 pm EST)  promises to be just as if not more dramatic as Mama Joyce, Kandi’s mother, has a showdown with Todd Tucker’s mom…You remember that I wrote about Mama Joyce and her now legendary disapproval of her fiance’ in “Mama Joyce Gets Us Straight…And Steps Back…And Keeps Stepping…(MY INTERVIEW).”

So to all of the fathers, I wish you “Happy Father’s Day.”

Any thoughts?

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