The List No One Wants to Make — Colorfull Bloom

I’ve had a whole spectrum of feelings try and infiltrate my brain over the last several months. I hate that I think them. I hate that I stew on them longer than I should, but like I mentioned in my very first post, I want to be honest with some of my struggles. And boy, it’s been a struggle. It’s no surprise to me that fear based thoughts have shown up relentlessly before and after and surrounding and throughout and interlaced—and basically at every point related to starting this blog. As with starting anything new, it’s expected to have some fear, but this go-round it feels a little different. I’m moving in a direction I feel God is leading me to, and because of it I’ve had thoughts that’ve tried to keep me from doing so.

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Here’s my list. Can you relate?

I don’t know what I’m doing.

I’m afraid of what people will think.

I’m too young.

I’m too old.

I’m too inexperienced.

who does she think she is?

What if I come across arrogant?

What if I offend someone?

I won’t appeal to anybody.

What if I heard the Lord wrong?

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I have good days and bad. Some days are easier to write than others. Some topics are easier to write than others. Never mind, none of them are easy. Writing is hard. Period. And as you may or may not be able to tell, I am very new at it. Hopefully you can’t, and if you can don’t tell me. Okay, tell me. Leave me a comment, but please be gentle.

I’m glad to say the fear that worries me the least is What if I heard the Lord wrong? Because I know that even if I did hear wrong, I’ll be okay regardless because I know God will work everything together for my good, and I know I’m called according to His purpose. (Rom 8:28.) That’s what He says He would do, and I’ve seen Him do it. (Read more here.) Of course that mindset doesn’t give me a license to be careless and not seek God for His wisdom and direction. That’s something I want to do before any decision making, big or small. With that being said, I do believe in some form or fashion that writing is why I am here. Here—as in, created for—here. I wrote a screenplay a few years ago, did you know that? I figure I’d just try out all the written formats. Next up is slogans for fast food restaurants. Actually that sounds kinda fun. Maybe they could pay me with food! Hey, In-N-Out, I’m totes available for hire.

One of my biggest fears is people thinking Who does she think she is? That’s the one that terrifies me the most. I have a very real fear of people thinking I have it all figured out or that I’m better than anybody. Especially when I’m aware I may have across that way in my past and that it’s something I consciously work on. (More on that here.) I try very hard to write from a place of helping people and to bring encouragement. I do want to say if I’ve written anything up to this point that has been offensive, please know it is not in my heart to do so. I am a continuous work in progress and God will continue to #blessthismess. As you can see, that type of mentality is one that I can’t think about too much about because it has the ability to paralyze me. So, if anyone doesn’t see the heart behind why I’m doing this and takes it in any other way than how I’ve intended, has the potential to be heartbreaking for me. Maybe I should retract my comments invitation?

Tim and I have talked a lot about purpose lately, especially over the last couple years. It’s a painful and longing feeling, the whole purpose thing and wondering why God created you. What that thing is deep down inside of us that gives Him glory and gives us fulfillment. I distinctly remember writing “There’s got to be more” type entries more than a few times in my journal over the last several years. I found one from 2011 and I know I’ve got one from 2008 or 2009 somewhere. I heard Steven Furtick describe perfectly why finding our purpose isn’t always so easy:

“If His primary objective was to get us to know something then it wouldn’t make sense for Him to obscure His will. If His primary objective is for us to know someone—being Himself, His voice, and His heart—then we can see why sometimes He would have to make it a process of hide and seek, and sometimes He hides the answer so we’ll seek Him… What we so often as humans want is the very thing that God will never give, and that is a formula for finding out His will that would make Him unnecessary in the equation.”

Ok, I know this is going to be a bold thing to say, but hear me out. If there’s something you want to do and can do it all in your own strength, I’m not really sure that might be the thing God created you to do. Here’s why—because of that fact alone, that you can do it all on your own. How can we lean on God and his Holy Spirit to help us if we’ve got everything covered by ourselves? How can He help us unless we draw close to Him? Isn’t that really the whole point, anyway? He’d be obsolete and we wouldn’t have any need for Him. Even as I write this, I feel so humbled by that. I heard Bill Johnson once say (and I’m paraphrasing here) that when we abide in the shadow of the Almighty (Ps 91:1) it means we’re in a place where we’re that close to him, to be resting inside of His shadow. I have to rely on Him to help me. It’s a partnership. I can’t do it alone. Where do you think I get inspired and get the words to write? It sure ain’t all me!

Just because I’ve taken some steps forward towards my purpose doesn’t mean the fear of failure affects me any less. If anything, the fight would be greater. I should take it as a compliment the enemy is fighting against me. That punk is threatened by me and my God. The fact there’s an opposing pressure trying to keep me from what I feel called to do is a good sign I’m on the right track. And greater is He in me than he who is in the world. Holla.

Photo by Jake Pierrelee on Unsplash