Stay or Leave - You Have a Choice
It was a dark night of the soul. The pain of staying in my twenty-five year marriage was greater than the fear of what my life might be like if I left. Up until that moment, I told myself my husband’s abuse wasn’t all that bad—it was “just” emotional, not physical. I hadn’t wanted to traumatize our son with a divorce. I didn’t want to have to leave my beautiful home with a view of a dozen snow-capped mountains. I had health concerns and hadn’t had steady employment for years. How could I go out on my own? And didn’t God want me to continue trying to work it out?
Still, we’d been to counseling off and on for ten years. Yet my husband’s disdain for me, his emotional abandonment, had only grown worse. All hope of a better outcome had been chipped away. I couldn’t fool myself any longer. That night, I cried out to the Lord as I had many times before. But this time, it wasn’t to ask Him to help me make a better marriage or change my husband’s heart. This time I begged God to forgive me for having to leave. I cried with relief when I felt His understanding of my pain, and I knew I had His permission to make that choice.
God has given each of us an incredible and powerful gift
and that is our ability to choose.* Leslie Vernick
Whether you’re staying in a bad marriage, or you’ve decided to leave, you’re making a choice. If you’re staying, you might not see it that way, but unless he has you in shackles, it is a choice. Let me be clear, I’m not blaming you for deciding to stay. Perhaps your husband is violent, and if you tried to leave, he might harm you and the kids. You know that kind of thing happens—you’ve read such accounts in the paper. I’m not the one to advise you to leave, but I want to assure you that being abused is not part of God’s plan. I want to remind you that you have a choice to do something about your situation. A first step might be to contact your local domestic violence hotline to receive good advice and support. Or if you and the kids are physically safe, you might decide to find ways to focus on yourself and your kids while still in the marriage. Go to counseling to teach you how to become stronger. Stand up for your kids. You can do something. You can choose, even if it’s only one little choice at a time.
If you’re a Christian, perhaps you’ve been told God commands you to stay married unless your spouse has committed adultery. That’s certainly a belief promoted by many conservative Christian churches and pastors. I wrestled with this issue for some time myself, and written articles on this subject that may interest you. I believed, and still do, that unless we are unsafe in a marriage for any reason, we ought to seek counseling and do what we can to fix our marriages. But let’s face it—not all marriages are fixable, and God understands that. He’s given us and our spouse choices.
Leaving my husband was one of the most difficult decisions I’ve ever had to make. The Lord was with me every faltering step I took. Knowing that I wasn’t just a victim, that I had a choice, gave me the strength to forge a new life. Leaving was one of the three best choices I've ever made.
Have you made any difficult choices in your life? How has that worked out for you? *Vernick, May 19, 2020 blog post
Blessings,
Are you a Christian with a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? There are hurting people who need to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. This blog invites divorced Christians to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation and become a source of healing and grace.
