"But I Don't Wanna Be Strong!" : The Christian Temper Tantrum

I recently went back to work at the hospital. With Covid restrictions there’s a single point of exit and entry for patients. Down this long corridor there were decorated wreaths along the wall for various reasons. One of them caught my eye, however. It said that God only gives His toughest battles to His strongest soldiers. And I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I don’t know why, but every time I walked that hall I looked for that wreath. It just made me feel a way.

I wasn’t happy about it. There was no sudden “aha!” or light bulb moment that went off for me. It didn’t all suddenly make sense.

Instead, I felt angry.

You’re wondering why, right? You’re probably wondering why it made me so angry. And you’re probably wondering even more so that if it made me so angry, then why did I look for it every time.

Well, let’s start with the first part.

I was angry because, well, shoot…I felt like I had every right to be? All I could do was think, “Lord, You think I’m so strong that you hit me with ALL the things. ALL the time.” I couldn’t help but feel like I just wanted to come up for air and BAM! Here goes yet another wave tumbling over my head and pulling me down underneath the rolling, angry waters.

And I’m not saying it’s all God. I’m not foolish enough to believe that it’s all the devil, either. But what I do know is that nothing that happens in our lives can happen without God’s say-so. And I just couldn’t stop wondering when God was going to say, “Ok. She’s had enough.”

Because honestly it doesn’t feel like he’s ever said to give me a break. I mean, even in boxing they get a break before the next round! And yes, God may be so proud of me that He’s saying I can handle it and constantly handing me yet another test—yet another thing—but sheesh. Can a sista get a break, please?

People tell you to feel proud that God thinks so highly of you. Shoot, I’ve used the line myself, a time or two. And I’m grateful for people that can gather me together right quick and encourage me in the same breath. But honestly, when you’re in the thick of it, you don’t feel proud. You certainly don’t feel happy. You don’t want to hear what anybody has to say about anything. Nobody is saying, “Thank You, Lord for my car being repossessed. Thank You, Lord that my bank account is overdrawn. Ooh and yes, Lord, this cancer?? This is lit!”

No! Sometimes you wonder does it have to be this much? And I did! I didn’t want nobody to tell me to pray. I didn’t want anyone to encourage me that I could handle it. I didn’t want any parts of it. I love them for it, but in that moment, I was plain sick of church folks. I’m sorry. It’s true!

And I know. I’m not dumb. I know how strength training works. I know that the only way I can bench-press more than what I do now is ONLY if I add more weight each time. I GET THAT. I only want to get some time (a breather) to bench-press this current weight that I just became comfortable with!

For me—a prayer warrior—I know the battles are usually that much more intense. I mean, prayer warriors are the first line of defense. If you can attack them and break them down, get them to stop praying—to shut their mouths—then it makes the enemy’s job to wreak havoc and chaos that much easier.

Now, listen…I was giving that devil a black eye left and right before this moment. Every time he tried it, I would come this close to shutting up and saying I’m done. But then I’d remember, that’s not who I am anymore. I’m not the same Cristal. I’ve got some hutzpah now! I was looking at the devil like, “You’re gonna have to come harder than that.” But be careful–or rather, be prepare–when you use those words. Because trust me, if there is anything that the enemy has…it’s time! He always gonna come back and come harder than before!

And he did just that. And what did I do? Just what he wanted me to do. I shut my mouth. And I opened it too.

That doesn’t make sense, does it?

Well, let me make it plain. I shut my mouth on the things that I should have been speaking; like love, life, peace, and telling that ugly ole devil just where he could go. And instead I opened my mouth and spoke the exact opposite. Y’all know the words. Oh, you don’t? Well let me bring it to your remembrance.

“What next? It’s always something. If it’s not one thing, it’s another.”

Listen to me just welcoming the bad into my life instead of praying for God to prepare me and help me get through this.

Or what about,

“Things will never change. It’s always the same thing.”

There I go, just speaking death, hopelessness, and instilling bitterness.

Oh, and don’t forget this one,

“I’m tired! I can’t take anymore. This is too much!”

Now you may be asking yourself what is wrong with that one, exactly. Well, a lot. Shoot, I WAS tired. Good and tired. But just because I felt it–even though that was my reality–it didn’t mean that I had to speak it. Our tongue is so powerful. We can literally speak life (or death) just by saying so. And instead of me saying, “I can handle this. This too shall pass. God will take me through.” I was saying that I’m weak and that was all the foothold that the enemy needed to find his way right on in.

Now here is the place where I come and talk to y’all. I mean come on…y’all know how this goes by now.

You might say, “I am weak.” And you may be right—if you’re doing it without God. But we’re NOT doing this without God. He literally would never leave you; even when you feel lost and alone. He’s always there. And this brings me back to that wreath hanging on the hospital wall: He wouldn’t have given it to you if He didn’t think that you could handle it!

He didn’t say it would be a breeze. He never said you would come out without any scars. He never promised that you would love every minute of it. But what He did promise was that He would never leave you nor forsake you. And if He said, it He meant it.

And maybe that doesn’t give you much hope. Maybe it doesn’t make you feel any better. And if you’re in any place like I was, then you’re probably rolling your eyes all up and through this post. But I’m going to say it anyway, the same way my people said it to me anyway. (Thanks, B! <3)

YOU’VE GOT THIS! You will get through this.

Know this, there is a reason why we become so tired, so overwhelmed. It’s because we are carrying and trying to handle things we were never meant to handle or carry. That’s God’s job! If you knew what you were doing, you wouldn’t need God. So, what is Your job? To go through it, but by letting God fight it for you!! Why take the unnecessary beating if you don’t have to? No baby. Sit pretty and let God handle your light weight! That’s an easy win!! Take it!

Is this easier said than done? YES!! But it can be done.

Trust. Me.

Don’t throw a temper tantrum! Don’t stomp your feet telling God how you would rather wish things to be. Don’t ask him to take it from you to make your life easier. That’s selfish! We’re more mature than that. Because what you’re going through is needed. It’s helping!

Think about how frustrated you get with your kids when they throw a tantrum. Now think about your last temper tantrum you had with your Father (God). God is just so God that He doesn’t even get angry with you when you throw one. He doesn’t yell at you. Put you in time out. Ignore you or even punish you more. He just lets you go through it. He lets you have your moment.

Well, you’ve had your moment. Now get up off that floor and remember there’s still some fighting to do.

Listen again, soldier. Be encouraged. Keep your head up. God gave you, what seems to be, the toughest battle and He gave it to you for a reason. YOU’RE JUST THAT STRONG!

You’ve got this! No if, ands or buts!

Now, strap those boots up. Get your war paint on. Get your weapon ready. It’s time to go to battle. But this time, let God go for you. I’m not saying it will be easy, but I’m saying you’re going to win.

And you can quote me on that.