Trauma of adultery and resource reframing "forgiveness" - Divorce Minister

Yesterday, I came across an interesting article about forgiveness and trauma care from a mental health provider, Anastasia Pollock, LCMHC.

It is entitled:

“Why I Don’t Use the Word ‘Forgiveness’ in Trauma Therapy”

Pollock writes,

As soon as I say, “You don’t have to forgive,” the person usually breathes a sigh of relief.

Once we have determined that forgiveness is not necessary, we work on finding a word that will be more congruent for the person in his or her trauma work. I like the word unburdening…

I honestly believe this is really just a semantics game. “Unburdening” is another way of giving the burden of the injustices over to God or someone else.

What the author calls, “unburdening” is what I consider is forgiveness in cases where reunion with the perpetrator is unwise–e.g. the perpetrator is belligerently unrepentant.

The author is simply exchanging the term, “forgiveness” for another, in my opinion, with less baggage. She does not bother to challenge the misconceptions of the term “forgiveness” but rather just jettisons it while still doing the important work.

Remember, adultery is traumatic. The spiritual reality is such is soul rape. The same gentleness advocated by this author ought to thereby be offered to victims of this awful trauma as well.

She goes on:

It is equally important for others to refrain from pushing someone into forgiving a perpetrator. Even if the intention is coming from a good place, trying to get someone who has been violated to forgive can feel like being victimized all over again… The person needs to be able to have a voice and express what he or she is feeling and thinking without the fear of judgment. [Emphasis mine]

I can’t tell you how often I have had “well-meaning” people ask me about whether or not I have forgiven my ex-wife. Maybe you can relate? They don’t “get it.”

Interestingly enough, I do not remember anyone asking me about the efforts–or lack thereof, in reality–of my ex-wife to repent before asking me this question about my forgiveness of her. They do not make the proper biblical connection between repentance THEN forgiveness (see Luke 17:3).

But I wish more people would understand this basic principles of care for trauma victims and include adultery victims in that number. It would go far to making the church a healing place!

The trauma of discovering a spouse’s infidelity is no minor trauma. It leaves the victim forever changed.

If you would hesitate to admonish a rape victim to forgive her rapist, then I suggest you extend the same reticence to your care for soul rape victims as well.

*A version of this post ran previously.