Is He Abusing Her when He Takes Her Phone Away?

My husband and I gave a recently wed couple a “try-out” to do some work for us. We had seen them individually in the community but knew little about them. They proved to be knowledgeable and hard workers, so we hired them. Soon after, I began receiving text messages from her. (I have edited these so as not to reveal their identities.)

• Sorry I didn’t let you know we’d be late. He took my phone away!
• We will be there soon. I told him to wash his hair. He wanted to divorce me this morning, what an awful patient!
• %#&?!!!! He has been roped into doing a good deed, so we will be late.
• I should never have told my husband that I was feeling a little tired. He got all concerned and took away my phone and made me take a “short” nap. I turned out to be nearly three hours! Now it’s too late to come.
• My husband just informed me that he doesn’t want us to work today and that we will work tomorrow morning. I’m sorry.
• I almost got my husband up at 5:30, but only almost and cranky.
• Would have come now, but horrible fight, might leave!
• I am worried. He did it again …
• Just a scared boy afraid of losing me so he pushes me away to make sure I love him.​

• In America, marriages are partnerships. Neither party can dictate to the other. Each is free to come and go as he/she pleases. Husbands cannot hold hostage their wives’ cell phone—not if they want to preserve their marriages.
• No, it is not all right. But then again there are certain groups of people who still live in the dark ages and the women allow the men to boss them around. It is very sad, but the woman is the one allowing herself to be treated this way.
• I would leave a controlling man like this. She needs to speak up for herself or get out of this relationship. Nothing is right here, and I don’t things will change. It’s very controlling.
• Are there other things he does to control her behavior and her access to the world? Call a domestic violence shelter and ask them to advise you on controlling behaviors. If you have this knowledge you might be in a position to help this friend and others down the road. You can at least tell them what you’ve learned and send them to the shelter.

• Do not accept any more apologies. Tell them that you don’t believe they are sorry, because they do not change their behavior … If they do not change their behavior quickly, cut ties as much as possible. If you are part of a group or family with this person, explain to the other people what is going on. Tell them that you are no longer accepting this kind of behavior.
• Sorry is just a word. If they keep repeating the same actions, they are showing you by actions that they aren’t willing to change. Also, you are allowing this behavior by not calling them on it. I’m not trying to be mean, but if you are staying silent and accepting their stories over and over again, then the behavior will repeat because there is no reason for it not to change. Stand up for yourself and tell them the behavior must stop … Remember, actions speak louder than words.
• You deal with them in one of two ways. You remove them from your life, or you remove yourself.
• (This one from a licensed clinical worker) Abusers especially of Domestic Violence are well known for this behavior. They, use their tactics of abuse, then apologize, saying they are sorry and will never happen again. That lasts until a situation, emotion, etc., occurs and they need a target to release their anger on. They don’t change, they don’t know how to. Without help they do not get better.

Recently married? Uh, oh, to the new wife.

It was Maya Angelou who said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” I wonder if the wife ignored some red flags along the way. Though they may try counseling, I would not judge the wife for leaving as this controlling behavior will probably persist.
They are fortunate to have you, a caring friend. (I’m guessing there may be a follow-up to your story.)

Right, Marian. And I know for a fact that this is neither his first marriage or hers. I did reply that his taking her phone was very concerning, and I urged her to set some boundaries. I don’t feel I can say anything more unless/until she tells me more. Of course the hub and I are praying for them.