There are various orientations, so I must clarify that men who desire women should pursue women. Hopefully, this post will be encouragement to the young ladies out there asking about pursuit. In this day and age when more people are demanding accountability for those who disrespect and mistreat others, some are claiming that because of this accountability, men supposedly cannot be men anymore. Some men state they cannot talk to women without being accused of sexual harassment. They are claiming fear of accusation for pursuing a woman.
Part of me thinks this is sad. Another part of me wonders if they are just exaggerating. I think men who have some common sense and have ample practice engaging with women know that being respectful to a woman, asking her questions and honoring her boundaries won’t get them into any trouble. Some men who do not have the courage to approach a woman may resort to saying they will be accused of sexual harassment simply for respectfully engaging with women.
It is a common complaint from some women that men won’t pursue them. As a woman, I know that some men do actually pursue women. Sometimes, women are pursued by men that they are not interested in, but that does not mean that they are not being pursued. In other cases, some men seem to be confused about the fact that they should be the ones pursuing. Maybe this is because of radical feminism, or it could be for other reasons.
Maybe it is the men who have little to no experience with women who think it’s going to get them in legal trouble for approaching a woman. Plenty men still do pursue women. And they should. It is quite a basic and ongoing method. All along, men have approached women throughout history and attempted to get to know them better. That is how couples began their dating or courtships, and then advanced to engagements and marriages.
• Any man should know to be respectful and not entitled when pursuing a woman.
• Treat her with respect; not like an object.
• Understand she is a whole human being with her own human rights, desires, needs and aspirations. If she says no, move on.
Move on without resentment or hatred. She is entitled to her own preferences. It is not in question whether or not a man is entitled to his preferences. Men and women are both entitled to their preferences. There is always a risk that feelings may not be mutual. It is part of what it means to be a man to take the risk in pursuing the one he desires. If a man is a Christian, it would benefit him greatly to keep God first and seek guidance through prayer before making a move. This reduces risk. God can lead a man not to pursue a woman he thought he should pursue. This spares him her rejection.
Women get rejected too-either by stepping into the masculine role and chasing a man who runs the other way, or because the man that she would like to pursue her is not interested in pursuing her. He desires someone else or just isn’t into her. It is equally important for a woman not to be entitled or become resentful because a man is not interested in her also. Rejection never feels great, but it is a part of life. It is best when uninterested parties make it clear, but are gentle when they convey their lack of interest. The key is to always be kind.
If women continue to chase men, I believe we will continue to see some men slack off more, and be even more hesitant about pursuing women.
There are many dating apps available. While some people find dating apps useful, I have heard some not so nice tales from some women about them. It is not so black and white to say dating apps are either good or bad. However, I believe in many cases they could (and in some cases, should) be avoided.
For ladies stating that it’s hard to meet someone, exposure can happen in so many places. For example, at church, while a woman is serving in the community, while on vacation, when enjoying friends and family and during other activities. Exposure can happen at the coffee shop or at home. It could be when the next door neighbor spots a woman and decides to talk to her.
If a woman is going to chase men and take the risk from them, some guys will gladly allow that. Plenty women have done that and are still doing it. People certainly should do as they please. I will speak for myself in that personally, I don’t think it’s my job to run after a man. Not only that, I believe God wired men to pursue. I believe He also wired them to have respect for and to value the lady that they had to work for. If I throw myself at a man, I don’t believe he can respect and value me properly.
Gender equality does not mean men and women are the same.
Equal does not mean same. Equal means equally valuable, equally important in the sight of God, equally deserving of fair treatment, God-given opportunities and freedoms. Therefore, both men and women should be treated as such. Some men imply that it is a ticket out of pursuing, wooing and winning a woman over if women are “equal” to men. NO. There seems to be confusion and chaos nowadays with the different social justice movements, including gender equality.
What used to be obvious to many has become not so obvious to some, apparently. Taking a woman out to dinner, for example, does not mean a man gets to control her or demand sex. It is also important for women to remember a man is NOT a creep for noticing her or for finding her attractive. It becomes creepy if he makes unwanted advances and he knows they are unwanted, but persists.
To me, these are basic concepts. However, with more demand for accountability in how people treat each other, some people are apparently now confused about how to conduct themselves. Some people seem not to understand basic concepts anymore- like respectful male pursuit and respectful female response.
If a woman is not interested for any reason, she should make this clear to the man pursuing her. He should accept that, though he may not be happy about it. There should be no force, no attempting to take over her free will or demanding his own way. Rejection does not feel good. I wish each time a man pursued a woman, he would have chosen the lady who would respond favorably to him. Unfortunately, often, that’s not how it works. People have freedom to choose. God gave people free will and this must be accepted and honored.
I am not for rigid gender roles. Some people are. To each their own. For example, men or women could cook, mow the grass, do the laundry, take out the trash, change the oil, work outside the home, etc. There are certain household chores that women tend to do and certain ones that men tend to do. Each couple works those things out for themselves. That’s great!
But there are certain principles God has established in His design for men and women that cannot and should not be changed. When people attempt to change them, it leads to confusion and chaos. The animals know their lanes. We won’t find two female animals fighting to woo and win over a male or chasing males. At least, I have not seen that. The males of various species either fight, show off beautiful colors, make unique noises, do dances, build nests and do other things in their attempts to win over a female.
Many species of female animals are selective. I talk about how women can learn important lessons from female animals here. God designed male pursuit and female response. Of course, men typically don’t and should not fight over women. The dynamic of male pursuit and female response remains, though. Jesus pursues the church also. The spiritual context is that the people of God are the Bride of Christ. So God set up a similar dynamic in humans.
The analogy is spelled out perfectly in Ephesians 5: 22-33. The Christian marriage is to reflect the relationship between Christ and the church.
In fact, women should not have to explain to men that they want and need to be pursued.
Men pursue women that they desire to pursue. I believe God hard-wired a man to know it is his duty to pursue. In the past, men did it, and some still do. The rest look for an out, for whatever reasons. Due to growing gender wars and changing socialization, it appears that people are deviating from God’s design. Some men like to call it “hunting” a woman when they do seek her. Macho terminology, I suppose. I like to call it pursuing her. He is not her predator (hopefully) and she is NOT his prey.
My understanding is that men who desire women should pursue women. This principle transcends time. Happy pursuits, to all the men who are stepping up and going after the women that they desire. While both men and women are free to do as they see fit, I believe that especially a Christian woman who wants to stick to God’s way, should make sure she gets exposure by not hiding in the house. It is good for a single woman to be places where she can be seen.
Also, if a man is interested in her, she can give a green light to the man she is interested in. She can do this by being warm and welcoming towards him. This could be through smiling, laughing at his jokes, showing him she is paying attention to him, being receptive and showing interest in response to his advances.
Finally, single ladies, it does not say “She who finds a husband…but he who finds a wife.” The man should be pursuing. He should be seeking and finding his wife. ” He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the Lord.” Proverbs 18: 22.
Used with permission from Petrina Ferguson.