Back

WHAT’S THE INVISIBLE HAND HOLDING YOU BACK FROM CREATING A NEW, PURPOSEFUL LIFE AFTER DIVORCE?


You can rise up after divorce!

Guest post by
Donna McGo
Life Transition Coach

Gail has been divorced for several years. She’s recovered and healed enough so that she is ready to take the next step to create a new, purposeful life for the future. The bold move for her is to begin taking steps to make it a reality.
She hopes to start her own business and attract a healthy, romantic relationship. Gail creates a goal plan and feels the time is “NOW”.

Why Doesn’t Gail Move Forward?
As she takes the leap and goes for one of her dreams; suddenly, she can’t move forward. It’s as though an invisible hand holds her back. She feels stuck.
There’s an inner struggle. As she strives to go after what she wants, an overwhelming feeling of dread and extreme discomfort settles in her stomach. All she wants to do is get rid of that feeling.
The feeling is so unpleasant and unnerving, it paralyzes her. As a result, it stops Gail in her tracks. Consequently, she stays where she is. Allowing the negative self-talk that comes up in her mind, it reminds her of all the reasons why SHE CAN’T instead of why she can.
As a result, where she in her present life feels secure. Instead of breaking out of her old life, she does nothing and goes nowhere. She makes excuses in her mind to convince herself that it is all right to stay where she is now.
Settling is not success, is it?

What Is A Paradigm?
Some experience an uncomfortable feeling that paralyzes them from rebuilding their lives. The feeling is called a paradigm. A paradigm is a habit, pattern, or belief system that is deeply embedded in the subconscious mind.
When Gail thinks of doing something different and out of her comfort zone, her paradigm holds her back. Unless she can push past it so that she can begin to create a new life after divorce, the paradigm will keep her right where she no longer wants to be.

Where Does A Paradigm Come From?
Up until the age of seven, some researchers say even earlier, the conscious mind is not fully developed yet. At that early age, we experience limited experiences and perceptions.

As a result, we’re not sophisticated enough to take the data we have and make informed, conscious decisions.
During those early years, our minds are like a sponge that takes everything in which goes right into our subconscious mind.
Therefore, our environment, experiences, and genetics give us our belief system; and thus, our habits and behaviors give us the results we are NOW getting in our lives.

Where Are These Paradigms?
Paradigms can cause limiting beliefs and mental blocks preventing us from achieving our goals. Because they are in the subconscious mind, oftentimes we don’t even know they exist until we ask the hard questions to discover them.
Here is an example:  Jane is over 50 and recently divorced. She works her way up to a top position in the company she presently works for. Secretly, she wants to start her own company.
Jane is smart, fair, and is well-liked. Deep down, she feels that she could really be a huge success on her own. She can see it in her mind. She can see herself building her own company. Somehow, though, she just can’t get herself to go for it.

What Does Jane Discover?
Jane needs to discover the paradigm that is holding her back and replace it with a new one so she can move forward. Here’s an exercise I suggested Jane complete to discover the paradigm that is holding her back from achieving her goal.
First, Jane writes down all the positive reasons she can think of as to why she should start her own company.
Next, she writes all negative feelings/thoughts that come to mind when she thinks of going for this life-changing goal.

The negative associations, particularly the strongest one, will reveal what her paradigm is; that is, what is holding her back.
In her case, it was the FEAR OF FAILURE. (It is not necessary to go digging in the past and analyze why there is a fear of failure.) All she needs to know is that there is that fear.

What Can She Do?
Once she knows the paradigm, Jane can begin to do the work to change it so that she can move forward. How does she change the paradigm? The same way it got there in the first place. It is THROUGH REPETITION.
If you think about it, how is the fear of failure a problem if it’s not experienced over and over again? It has become part of her belief system.
There are several ways to change paradigms. The most commonly used one is to change the negative thought pattern. Replace it with a new, positive one. Through repetition, the neural pathways to the subconscious mind will eventually push out the old paradigm and replace with the new one.

How Does She Do It?a
It’s simple but takes desire and discipline. Jane changes the way she thinks about starting a new business:

  • Replace old negative thoughts that create anxiety; and additionally, she replaces them with thoughts of confidence and success.
  • Repeat positive statements to herself over and over that describe how she wants to be and feel for the future.
  • Learn to become aware of what situations, people, and conditions that “trigger” anxious, fearful feelings.

Every time the self-talk of fear, worry, and unease come up in her mind, she changes the thoughts right away. She can change her thoughts in an instant. The trick is to be aware of when they come into her mind.

Why Is Repetition The Key To Changing Her Paradigm?
For Jane, the old fear of failure is firmly established. As she repeats the positive self-talk over and over; eventually through repetition, the new thoughts are passed on to the subconscious mind and become a part of her belief system.

She begins to believe in them. As she slowly changes her mindset, she begins to believe in the words that she repeats over and over. With repetition and her belief, she begins to become aware of ways to overcome her FEAR OF FAILURE.

What Triggers The Paradigm?
Jane is able to discover when the old paradigm surfaces. She becomes aware of how she feels inside. The feeling inside is the “trigger”. If she starts to feel anxious or fearful, it is the internal signal (trigger) that she needs to push the old paradigm aside.
Then, she repeats the new one over and over again. For example, “I am so happy and grateful now that I am confident to start my new business. I will be successful and know I can make this happen”.
Eventually, Jane accepts the new statements as her truth. It becomes part of her belief system. Belief is more than half the battle.
We can achieve any goal we desire. Once we discover what holds us back, the anxiety, fear, and uncomfortable feeling will be replaced with confidence and a driving force that comes from the power within.
As a result, we will have access to a belief system that enables us to go over, under, or through any obstacle getting in the way. Why?  Basically because we believe we can.
It is really that simple. All it takes is a fresh perspective, a strong desire, discipline, and persistence.

     As a result, we’re not sophisticated enough to take the data we have and make informed, conscious decisions.
During those early years, our minds are like a sponge that takes everything in which goes right into our subconscious mind.
Therefore, our environment, experiences, and genetics give us our belief system; and thus, our habits and behaviors give us the results we are NOW getting in our lives.

Where Are These Paradigms?
Paradigms can cause limiting beliefs and mental blocks preventing us from achieving our goals. Because they are in the subconscious mind, oftentimes we don’t even know they exist until we ask the hard questions to discover them.
Here is an example:  Jane is over 50 and recently divorced. She works her way up to a top position in the company she presently works for. Secretly, she wants to start her own company.
Jane is smart, fair, and is well-liked. Deep down, she feels that she could really be a huge success on her own. She can see it in her mind. She can see herself building her own company. Somehow, though, she just can’t get herself to go for it.

What Does Jane Discover?
Jane needs to discover the paradigm that is holding her back and replace it with a new one so she can move forward. Here’s an exercise I suggested Jane complete to discover the paradigm that is holding her back from achieving her goal.
First, Jane writes down all the positive reasons she can think of as to why she should start her own company.
Next, she writes all negative feelings/thoughts that come to mind when she thinks of going for this life-changing goal.

The negative associations, particularly the strongest one, will reveal what her paradigm is; that is, what is holding her back.
In her case, it was the FEAR OF FAILURE. (It is not necessary to go digging in the past and analyze why there is a fear of failure.) All she needs to know is that there is that fear.

What Can She Do?
Once she knows the paradigm, Jane can begin to do the work to change it so that she can move forward. How does she change the paradigm? The same way it got there in the first place. It is THROUGH REPETITION.
If you think about it, how is the fear of failure a problem if it’s not experienced over and over again? It has become part of her belief system.
There are several ways to change paradigms. The most commonly used one is to change the negative thought pattern. Replace it with a new, positive one. Through repetition, the neural pathways to the subconscious mind will eventually push out the old paradigm and replace with the new one.

How Does She Do It?
It’s simple but takes desire and discipline. Jane changes the way she thinks about starting a new business:

  • Replace old negative thoughts that create anxiety; and additionally, she replaces them with thoughts of confidence and success.
  • Repeat positive statements to herself over and over that describe how she wants to be and feel for the future.
  • Learn to become aware of what situations, people, and conditions that “trigger” anxious, fearful feelings.

Every time the self-talk of fear, worry, and unease come up in her mind, she changes the thoughts right away.
She can change her thoughts in an instant. The trick is to be aware of when they come into her mind.

Why Is Repetition The Key To Changing Her Paradigm?
For Jane, the old fear of failure is firmly established. As she repeats the positive self-talk over and over; eventually through repetition, the new thoughts are passed on to the subconscious mind and become a part of her belief system.

She begins to believe in them. As she slowly changes her mindset, she begins to believe in the words that she repeats over and over. With repetition and her belief, she begins to become aware of ways to overcome her FEAR OF FAILURE.

What Triggers The Paradigm?
Jane is able to discover when the old paradigm surfaces. She becomes aware of how she feels inside. The feeling inside is the “trigger”. If she starts to feel anxious or fearful, it is the internal signal (trigger) that she needs to push the old paradigm aside.
Then, she repeats the new one over and over again. For example, “I am so happy and grateful now that I am confident to start my new business. I will be successful and know I can make this happen”.
Eventually, Jane accepts the new statements as her truth. It becomes part of her belief system. Belief is more than half the battle.
We can achieve any goal we desire. Once we discover what holds us back, the anxiety, fear, and uncomfortable feeling will be replaced with confidence and a driving force that comes from the power within.
As a result, we will have access to a belief system that enables us to go over, under, or through any obstacle getting in the way. Why?  Basically because we believe we can.
It is really that simple. All it takes is a fresh perspective, a strong desire, discipline, and persistence. Knowing what holds you back, you are halfway there.

Author

Donna has a Masters in Human Development, Counseling, and Family Studies. She is a retired educator and counselor who is now a certified life coach. It’s her passion to help women to embrace a new beginning creating a new life, purposeful life after divorce. Rise Up After Divorce – Recover, Reconnect, Reinvent is her five step results-driven process taking women from the transition after divorce to their personal transformation. Donna’s website is https://www.livingabovetheordinary.com

Linda’s note: Thank you Donna, for giving hope and tools to those who are experiencing the challenges of life after divorce.
Blessings,



RSS Feed

Order Here!

Categories

All

Blended Families

Christian Marriage

Dating After Divorce

Divorce And Faith

Divorce And Kids

Divorce Decision

Divorce Humor

Divorce Recovery

Divorce & The Church

Domestic Abuse

Forgiveness

Holidays And Divorce

Memoir

Re-designing Your Home

Spiritual Abuse

The Bible And Women

​My Perspective
What I believe God wants us to know about Christian divorce.
Recommended Reading
Instone-Brewer, David. Divorce and Remarriage in the Church: Biblical Solutions for Pastoral Realities,


Divorce and Remarriage 
 | 
Andrew Farley
Is Divorce the unforgivable sin? | Andrew Farley

​Quoting and Linking
Unless otherwise noted, all contents © 2017 Linda M. Kurth. If you quote this blog, please cite and provide a link back. Thank you.

If you’re interested in sharing your story of divorce and the response of other Christians, email Linda at Linda@LindaMKurth.com for guidelines.

Republished with permission from Linda M. Kurth from her blog at https://www.lindamkurth.com/.

Related Blogs