10 Tough Conversations The Happiest Couples Always Have - Olubunmi Mabel
Every time you see a happy couple, just know that it took a lot for them to get to where they are.
And I’m talking about couples who are genuinely happy together, not pretending or forcing it.
It may look effortless, but it isn’t; a lot of effort is required, one of which is having difficult conversations.
These conversations may not be the easiest to have, but they make life better.
It’s like taking the pain to plant seeds so that you can reap and enjoy a beautiful garden or harvest.
Perhaps you’d like to know what these conversations are so that you can learn from them, too.
Don’t worry; I’m here to tell it all.
1. Individual expectations
Talking about your expectations may not be fun, but it has to be done.
Many people, especially women, dream of having a husband who can do everything perfectly and at the right time.
A man who knows when to say the right thing and when to do the right thing.
A man who can differentiate between when her “leave me alone” actually means she wants to be left alone and when it means she desires a hug.
But I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news; unless you get married to a mind reader or a magician, that’s unlikely to happen.
When expectations aren’t communicated, disappointment can quickly become resentment and unhappiness.
This is why happy couples never fail to talk about their expectations with each other.
They have individual hopes and desires for their partners, and they know that the best way to avoid disappointment is to communicate them.
This way, they’re always on the same page, and nobody has to suffer in silence.
Even when their expectations fall short, they talk about it instead of sweeping it under the carpet.
2. Sex
Sex is a major part of marriage, but for some reason, many couples find it hard to talk about it.
Sexual expectations, fantasies, trauma, preferences, needs, and boundaries have to be discussed.
Imagine coming from a conservative background where sex is a shush topic, only to get married and all of a sudden being expected to throw all your covers away and start spitting sexual stuff.
That’s not an easy thing to do.
Talking about sex requires a lot of vulnerability, and that’s not an easy thing for everyone.
But happy couples do their best to ensure they’re not held back from having those discussions.
They know that a deficiency in their sex life can affect the overall health of their marriage, so they do their best to prevent that.
3. Family
This was one of the toughest conversations my husband and I had to have when we got married.
We both really love our individual families, but we had to talk about boundaries and agree on the fact that we were starting a new family, which is now our priority.
This is not an easy thing to discuss because emotions and sentiments are always attached when family is involved.
But we knew we had to do it.
In-laws issues can be frustrating, and we didn’t want to have to get to that point, so we talked about it.
Navigating in-law relationships, understanding family traditions and expectations, and setting boundaries with family members are important parts of every union.
Talking about family, the subject of children also comes into play.
Happy couples talk about whether to have children or not, how many, and parenting styles like discipline, education, and faith.
4. Money
If there’s one thing I don’t like to talk about, then it’s money.
I just find it so stressful to think and talk about.
But when my lack of knowledge about it began to cause issues in my marriage, I had to adjust.
Finances remain one of the leading causes of marital crises, which tells you that it needs to be taken very seriously.
Happy couples wouldn’t be so happy if they hadn’t settled discussions surrounding finances.
Talking about financial habits and goals, spending, saving, debt, and so on is super important.
It might be little things like talking about your salaries and how they’re spent or major ones like aligning long-term goals to buy a house or invest.
But whether you have a little of it or a lot of it, money has to be discussed.
5. Responsibilities and commitments
Sharing chores and managing household duties may not sound like a tough topic until you’ve lived together for some time and things are not going as you expected.
At that point, you realize that it’s better dissected and distributed.
Handling disagreements over cleanliness or lifestyle habits is not a bad thing if you’re able to arrive at a good agreement.
People have different expectations and ideas about marriage and its commitments.
Happy couples share their opinion on what marriage means to them and find a way to marry both their ideas in a way that is fair to both parties.
6. Past relationships
Of course, they don’t talk about their exes every day, but when it needs to be talked about, there is no hiding or shying away from talking about it.
In the first place, they’re both aware of each other’s past relationships and any necessary or major occurrences.
But if there’s any development in that area that needs to be talked about, it is freely done.
Although exes are meant to remain in the past, so no developments should ordinarily be coming up.
7. Other relationships
Couples don’t just talk about their past relationships or relationships with family; they also talk about other relationships in their lives.
You don’t stop having friends or a social circle because you’re married.
However, when you get married, those relationships may be affected.
Happy couples talk about managing the time they spend with friends and other people in their lives.
They also set boundaries for relationships outside their marriage, especially if their partners have concerns about those people.
8. Goals
Whenever I see a marriage falling apart because of the partners’ individual goals, I know they didn’t take the time to have this difficult conversation.
Sharing individual aspirations and looking into how they fit into the relationship is an essential part of every marriage.
This way, they both know where compromises may be required and how to make those compromises.
Happy couples talk about these things, and this helps them find a way to balance their goals with their marriage goals and reach an agreement that works for both of them.
9. Hurts
Is it even possible to be happy if you have unresolved issues in your heart?
I don’t know about you, but for me it’s impossible.
Talking about hurt and disappointments in marriage may not be the easiest thing, but it’s the best thing for closure and healing.
Happy couples aren’t happy because they never step on each other’s toes.
Far from it.
They have just found a way to talk about their issues and resolve them.
When one party hurts the other, they can easily apologize and commit to doing better.
Keeping hurt and anger in is the fastest route to a bad marriage.
Even when it comes to issues like infidelity, some couples have weathered that storm and come out of it strongly because they didn’t sweep things under the rug.
They willingly worked on what needed to be worked on and cleaned up the mess together.
Many people think that the grass is greener on the other side, but if you know anything about gardening, you’ll know that it takes a lot of intentional effort.
Hence, the grass is only greener where it is nurtured and watered.
I think the key to having tough conversations is having foundational transparency in marriage.
I recall a time when sex was on hold due to postpartum trauma, and although my husband understood, it extended for up to two years.
Our friendship in the marriage survived and grew stronger, but one day, he was vulnerable enough to share how he found himself desiring another woman.
This was a tough conversation to have, but we did, and we eventually fixed our sexual intimacy and were happier for it.
10. Beliefs
This is especially important when both parties have different beliefs or religions.
I’d usually advise people to marry people with whom they share the same beliefs, but the truth is that that is not everybody’s story.
Some people find love in the most unusual of places.
If couples who have different faiths or mindsets about it want to make things work, they have to have hard conversations about it.
Talking about these things may not be easy, but they make the marriage easier in the long run.
There’s more understanding, empathy, and cooperation because there are no grey areas.
This gives the marriage the opportunity to flourish and the people in it the freedom to be themselves and be happy with each other.
Finally, the happiest couples check in with each other.
During these check-ins, they ask dee[ questions and confront issues, thrashing out knotty issues and reinforcing their commitments.
While it is easy to see the sweetness of their bond and go “awww,” it is instructive to acknowledge the deep work that brought them to that point and established them there.
