6 Difficult Conversations Many Couples Struggle To Have - Olubunmi Mabel
“We need to talk”
Everyone in relationships has heard or said this at some point.
When you are on the receiving end of this, there is usually this nervousness that comes upon you.
Just four words, but they carry so much weight.
I used to hate hearing those words because they usually meant something was wrong in the relationship, and I kinda preferred the illusion that all was well.
It used to feel so weird.
Why would I prefer to deceive myself that all was well when I could work out a solution to whatever was wrong?
Well, your guess is as good as mine.
In reality, as weird as it may seem, many couples are like me.
They struggle to have difficult conversations.
They just want to spend their time having fun and whispering sweet words to each other.
Sadly, reality always sets in.
In every relationship, there comes a time when it becomes imperative to have difficult conversations.
These conversations are the ones that test the strength of your bond and how well you understand your partner.
They are topics that can cause fractures in a relationship if they are not handled delicately.
And most people may prefer to avoid talking about them totally.
While avoidance may be a source of relief in the short run, not having these difficult conversations may cause issues in the relationship.
This article will explore a list of difficult conversations couples usually struggle to have.
As a bonus, we will also explore some strategies to employ when having these difficult conversations.
Even when we advise you to take the bull by the horns and have that conversation, you should never forget that these topics should be dealt with delicately.
Let’s get started!
1. Money conversations
Discussions surrounding finances have never been easy to have.
Money is a common cause of conflict in relationships.
Perhaps this may be because many couples follow an unwritten rule that outlaws discussion about money.
Well, if any rule outlaws such discussions, the rule is wrong.
Money matters can be the cause of many conflicts in marriage.
This is why couples need to discuss their financial situation and goals in the relationship.
I understand that this discussion is usually difficult because couples may have different financial goals and orientations.
One person may want to save as much money as possible, while the other is willing to spend without inhibitions.
Financial goals will always be a sensitive topic to discuss, especially between couples with different financial orientations.
However, the fact that it is a difficult conversation to have doesn’t make it any less important.
You need to set aside time to discuss this particularly sensitive issue with your partner.
Discussing finances will help you and your partner make important decisions about budgeting, spending habits, or financial goals.
Ignoring it will only cause conflicts in the future.
Don’t be lulled by the false sense of peace you have when you avoid having difficult conversations with your partner.
2. Sex and intimacy
I am sure you were expecting this one.
We live in an age where there are so many materials on sex out there.
People are discussing sex more.
Sexually explicit videos and live shows are all over the place.
Yet, amidst all the massive sexual orientation out there, married couples still struggle to have conversations about sex.
A Christian friend of mine once told me that he feels it is inappropriate to talk about sex with his wife.
I was shocked, “Bro, she is your wife! You have sex with her, but you can’t talk about it with her?”
People need to set aside this archaic mindset.
There are some extremely conservative ideas that people hold that can lead to problems in their marriages, and this sex talk “prohibition” is one of the major ones.
Talk to your partner about sexual matters because they actually matter.
I know someone is probably wondering, “What do I say?”.
No one is asking you to give a dissertation on sex.
All you need to do is to talk to your partner about how you feel about your sexual life.
Talk about your needs and expectations, and ask for your partner’s input too.
When couples can discuss sexual matters with each other freely, it improves their sex life and the relationship.
3. Household responsibilities
Marriage comes with its fair share of responsibilities.
While I love it when people know what they are meant to do and do it without being told, it doesn’t always work that way.
A couple I know once had a very serious and loud quarrel.
When we intervened because it seemed like the quarrel could get really violent, we discovered that they were fighting over who was supposed to do the dishes.
Let me give you some insight into the issue because I know you are wondering how doing the dishes became such a big deal.
So, they had just gotten in from a particularly strenuous day at work.
The husband was angry and demanded that his wife fix something for dinner.
His tired wife walked into the kitchen to fix something for him because she was hungry herself, and she met a mound of dirty plates in the sink.
Apparently, they hadn’t done the dishes before heading out in the morning.
The tired woman asked her husband to do dishes if he wanted her to cook, and boom, ‘World War Three’ starts in a small household in Nigeria!
Really, I am not going to talk about who is wrong or right.
My point is that household responsibilities need to be discussed, and everyone needs to know their role.
In the scenario I mentioned earlier, if they had discussed household responsibilities in the past, everyone would have known what was expected of them.
However, a considerate husband would have tried to help his wife with the dishes even without prior discussion since they both had really stressful days.
A lot of effort goes into having a family, and when couples don’t communicate about household responsibilities, it may create an imbalance, with one partner doing too much while the other does too little.
This may cause a buildup of resentment over time.
Just like what happened with my neighbors.
Hence, couples must discuss these matters when things can be easily addressed.
4. Children
People usually think that talking about children ends in deciding how many children you want to give birth to and the names to give them.
It involves a lot more than this.
Partnering to raise children can be a dicey affair, especially regarding parenting styles and discipline.
As a kid, I had a friend who was usually a point of conflict for his parents.
Admittedly, he was stubborn and naughty, just like most of us were as kids.
His mother didn’t like disciplining her children, but his father was very strict.
Back then, it was really common for parents to use a cane on their kids.
The man used his cane very indiscriminately on his son, but his wife didn’t like it.
So, she’d get angry when she came home from work and meet her son still weeping from his father’s thrashing.
This would cause a terrible fight between the two of them.
It happened frequently until she had to leave her marriage with the kids.
Now, parents still need to discuss things like this.
What kind of discipline do you feel is appropriate for a child?
Discuss scenarios as well.
What do you do when your child throws a tantrum?
Do you send them to their room?
Or just pull out your cane like my friend’s father?
When your kid gets into trouble at school, how do you handle it?
These are important questions you need to ask each other.
Usually, couples may have different ideas of what to do in different scenarios.
However, constant and intentional conversations about your values and how you react to situations will help you handle the conflicts that may arise when raising your children.
5. In-laws
Almost everyone has had issues with in-laws.
It’s really just one of those things that come with marriage.
Even when you are creating a family with your partner, it is important never to forget that your partner has family members, too.
Discussing how to interact with them without affecting your family dynamics is important.
Often, extended families have a way of placing demands and expectations on couples.
If couples avoid discussing the subject, it may later become a source of conflict.
Couples should be able to discuss and create clear boundaries for extended family members.
This will help them present a unified front when dealing with in-laws.
6. Conflict resolution styles
How do you handle conflicts?
The truth is we all have different ways of handling conflicts.
Most couples don’t have similar conflict resolution styles.
Couples struggle with having conversations about conflict resolution styles because that discussion can sometimes lead to conflict itself.
It’s funny but very true.
One time, I was discussing how I handle conflict with my girlfriend and mentioned that I usually prefer to walk away and cool off before I address the issue.
Instantly, she said I wasn’t doing the right thing.
She said it was better to talk things out immediately.
Talking about it led to another argument because she was listening to correct me.
Couples have different temperaments, which means they have different ways of dealing with anger and conflict.
As long as your partner’s conflict resolution style does not involve malice, there’s no problem; you can always make compromises.
Understanding each other’s conflict resolution styles can help you resolve arguments more effectively.
Now that you know the difficult conversations many couples struggle to have, you may be wondering how to go about having these delicate conversations.
Well, I have embedded several tips in the article already.
However, just in case you didn’t observe them, we will review them once more.
My first advice is to choose the right time and place for the conversation.
Some people have this talent for bad timing; please, don’t be like them.
These conversations are sensitive, so you should know when and where you have them.
You should be focused on expressing your feelings.
Don’t start the blame game.
The moment you blame your partner for something, you activate their defensive nature.
So… you can say, “I feel the children need to be disciplined by a firmer hand” instead of “You are spoiling this child o.”
Also, you need to listen to understand.
Truly listen to your partner to understand their perspectives.
If you don’t do this, the goal of having this conversation is defeated already.
Remain calm and be ready to find a solution.
Approach the conversation as a team, looking for ways to improve the relationship.
Be willing to compromise.
Difficult conversations are inevitable in any relationship, but they don’t have to be a source of constant stress.
By applying the tips in this article, you can turn these challenging discussions into an avenue for growth and deeper connection.
