9 Signs You Are In A Difficult Marriage - Olubunmi Mabel

No one dreams of having a difficult marriage.

Everyone wants happily ever afters.

Since they don’t really exist, we are ready to settle for a successful marriage with little ups and downs.

Think of it as a relatively smooth sea journey involving a little turbulence along the way.

Ideally, marriage is a journey filled with love, companionship, and shared dreams.

Of course, it is impossible to be married without experiencing a few conflicts.

Conflicts are just par for the course in successful marriages.

However, sometimes marriages can be rocky.

These are the times when the “downs” occur far more frequently than the “ups” in the marriage.

Recognizing the signs that the stormy periods you are experiencing are no longer just the normal ones in marriage but something more is essential if you want to address the issues before they become too widespread to be handled.

So many marriages have suffered because of couples’ inability to discern that their marriages are gradually becoming rocky.

Here are some telltale signs that you are in a difficult marriage…

1. You constantly criticize each other

One of the reasons I talk to my mother more is because, as a kid, I found it easier to talk to her.

Sometimes, she turned little gist into lectures, but there were few.

On the other hand, my dad tended to turn any little discussion into a long-winded exposition of Joseph’s behavior in the Bible and criticism of mine.

So, I kept to myself.

I didn’t say much to him.

We had a strained relationship.

Just like my father and I, some couples experience this in marriage.

Examining your conversations is one of the most obvious ways to know you are in a difficult marriage.

When every conversation turns into a critique session, it is a sign of impending issues and increasing resentment.

Especially if one person is always at the receiving end.

They may begin to feel like they can’t do anything right.

If you are the recipient, the constant criticism and contemptuous remarks may leave you feeling unappreciated and undervalued.

After all, you can’t do everything wrong.

So, why does it seem like your partner seems to criticize you all the time?

Also, you need to be honest with yourself.

Are you also over-critical of your partner?

If you are, it shouldn’t shock you that they are returning the energy.

You are in a difficult marriage, and if the issues are not addressed in a timely fashion, you may end up losing your marriage.

Am I saying you shouldn’t criticize your partner?

No!

Instead, your criticism should be constructive.

Any criticism that doesn’t appreciate what they have done right and points out room for improvement is not constructive.

2. You don’t communicate well

Healthy communication is the pillar of any successful relationship.

If communication goes wrong, then the relationship will feel the impact.

Even in friendships, this actually happens.

However, in marriage, it becomes really worse.

If conversations with your spouse are becoming rarer than ever before, and it seems like the occasional conversations you have are usually superficial, it is a sign of underlying issues.

It gets even worse when it seems like your conversations are so fraught with misunderstandings.

It feels like you no longer understand each other.

Conversations are hard to sustain without them degenerating into quarrels and conflicts.

If this is happening in your marriage, it is a sign that you are in a difficult marriage.

One time, I had this married couple as my next-door neighbor.

It felt like they couldn’t even have a civil conversation with each other.

I have seen even the most innocuous topic degenerate into a fight between them.

It got me thinking: How could two humans who once claimed to love each other have transformed into two people who seem to snap at each other every time?

This is an example of a marriage where couples ignored the signs until they became so obvious that even outsiders could see the signs.

Don’t let your marriage degenerate into this before trying to do something about it.

3. You have frequent arguments

This is the most obvious sign of a difficult marriage.

Frequent arguments and quarrels in a marriage are a big billboard flashing “difficult marriage” in capital letters.

Really, I don’t even think it is advisable to wait until you start seeing this sign in your marriage before addressing the underlying issues in your relationship.

Don’t get me wrong, it is normal to have disagreements occasionally in your marriage.

In fact, it is even beneficial for the marriage because you learn how to handle conflicts practically.

However, if you are fighting all the time, it means you haven’t been learning anything from previous conflicts.

Recently, my mum told me about a man who physically assaulted his wife just because she didn’t press the toothpaste the proper way.

I didn’t even know there was a proper way to handle a toothpaste tube.

The fact that their marriage had degenerated to that point saddened me, and if I could advise the woman, I would have told her to get out of that marriage on her two feet before she was carried out of it, lifeless.

I am a fan of encouraging couples to work things out, but once domestic violence is involved, my stance is usually “Run for your life.”

The truth is that waiting to see the sign in your marriage before realizing that you are in a difficult marriage may be too late.

In marriage, arguments should be geared towards resolving conflicts, not winning or making a point.

And there are certain things that should be too trivial to cause an argument.

One time, someone said he had a fight with his wife because she left soap suds on the shower wall after bathing.

It felt too trivial to me.

That shouldn’t bring about a fight.

You could correct her, but it shouldn’t be a problem.

If you fight with your partner over trivial matters, it is a sign that your marriage is difficult.

The reason you are fighting with your partner is not a trivial matter.

The reason is something far deeper than that, perhaps a deep-seated resentment.

4. You live separate lives

You know that feeling you get when you share a flat with someone you don’t know.

Those were the initial days when everyone just went about their personal business without paying much attention to each other.

Are you living that way with your partner?

Does it seem like your lives are on parallel tracks?

In school, one of the easiest rules to learn in trigonometry was the rule of parallel lines.

Parallel lines can never meet unless they cease to be parallel lines at some point.

When you and your spouse start living parallel lives with little interaction, it is a sign that you are drifting apart.

Everyone seems to be minding their business, except for the fact that in marriage, your partner’s business is your business.

You now spend more time apart, at work, or hanging out with friends.

You have separate social circles and no longer spend quality time together.

You don’t even watch the television together anymore.

Your marriage begins to feel like when two strangers are sharing a house.

In fact, it is better with strangers because they may even try to get to know each other.

If this is happening in your marriage, you are in a difficult marriage.

How can your marriage grow when you spend as little time as possible in each other’s presence?

Create time to spend quality time together and hash out whatever differences you may be having.

This may be the key to enjoying your marriage once again.

5. There is a gross reduction in intimacy

A noticeable decline in intimacy in your marriage – both physical and emotional- is a red flag that shouldn’t be ignored.

It’s an ill wind that blows no one any good.

It usually spells a lot of trouble for relationships, so stop feeling like what you are experiencing is normal.

It is not!

You feel like you no longer understand your partner’s emotions.

Their emotions are alien to you.

You don’t even know what is going on in their lives.

Your relationship is now superficial, and on top of it, your sex life seems to be at level zero.

You no longer enjoy lovemaking with your partner.

In fact, it rarely occurs, and when it eventually does, it is usually mechanical at best.

Intimacy is not just about sex; it includes affection, touch, and closeness.

If all of these are absent from your relationship, it is a sign that there is an emotional disconnect in your relationship.

You are in a difficult marriage, and you need to work with your partner to improve the quality of your marriage.

6. You keep secrets from each other

Secrets have no place in a marriage.

So, I will start by saying you are wrong to keep secrets in your marriage.

Transparency is a vital aspect of any successful marriage.

If you and your partner are keeping secrets from each other, it shouldn’t be surprising that your marriage is so tense.

Why wouldn’t it be tense?

Y’all added the major ingredient for tension – Secrecy!

It’s weird, but whenever someone wants to keep something secret, the fact that they are hiding something is usually obvious.

This could also be the reason for a high level of distrust in your marriage.

You both can sense that you are keeping secrets and so this creates suspicion.

It makes everything you or your partner do look like there is an ulterior motive behind them.

If you realize that there is suspicion bordering on paranoia in your marriage, it is a sign that you are in a difficult marriage.

7. You feel unappreciated

A few months ago, I felt seriously unappreciated in my relationship with a friend.

It felt like I was doing so much and she just wasn’t giving me my flowers.

In fact, it felt like she was starting to feel entitled to my efforts.

So, I started distancing myself.

I wasn’t communicating with her constantly.

And for the most part, I wasn’t doing anything for her.

It was my way of making her realize my worth.

I didn’t need to do it for long before she asked what was wrong.

I told her how I felt, and she apologized.

She said she didn’t know that was how I felt and that she actually truly appreciated my efforts.

The truth is that I went about it the wrong way.

I could have just told her how I felt without the cold shoulder.

If you feel unappreciated in your marriage, you may also be doing something like this.

It only worsens things, especially if your partner misreads your behavior.

They may take it as an indication that you want nothing to do with them.

Feeling unappreciated or taken for granted can lead to resentment.

If your efforts and contributions to the relationship go unnoticed or unacknowledged, it can diminish your sense of self-worth and happiness.

However, you shouldn’t let the resentment build up till you can’t control it anymore.

Instead, you should talk things out with your partner.

Although your marriage is difficult, the issues can still be resolved through open communication and understanding each other.

8. You blame each other

If you realize that you and your partner have developed a penchant for blaming each other for problems in the marriage, it is a sign of a difficult marriage.

You and your partner no longer take responsibility for your actions.

Instead, you choose to blame each other.

The problem with this is that it destroys any attempt at resolving conflicts because it fosters defensiveness.

Everyone wants to prove that it is not their fault.

The truth is that when problems arise in marriages, it is usually the fault of both partners.

Acknowledging your roles in your marriage’s dreary state is the first step towards finding a lasting solution.

9. You fantasize about leaving

You know your marriage is a difficult one when all you can dream about is leaving the relationship.

In normal marriages with little issues and conflicts, couples usually think of how to resolve the problems they are facing.

They dream of enjoying a peaceful and successful marriage once again.

However, if you find yourself fantasizing about leaving your marriage or imagining life without your partner, it is a sign that you are getting really tired of your marriage.

No one gets tired of a peaceful and successful marriage.

So, if you are feeling this way, you are definitely in a difficult marriage.

The fact that you are having thoughts of leaving your marriage should be a wake-up call to address the issues at hand before it gets too late.

So, what do you do?

The first step to take is to have an honest conversation with your spouse about your feelings and concerns.

If your partner is ready to work with you to improve your marriage, you can seek a professional to guide you through the process.

Meanwhile, even without the guidance of a professional, you and your spouse need to invest in your relationship.

Start spending quality time together, engage in activities you both enjoy, and make an effort to reconnect emotionally and physically.

You should also spend some time reflecting on how you may have contributed to the issues in your marriage.

This will give you a better idea of what to do differently moving forward.

Every marriage goes through ups and downs.

Recognizing the signs that your marriage is going through an extremely rocky patch and proactively taking steps to address the issues is very important.

Such kind of proactiveness can save your marriage.