9 Things I Stopped Doing To Show More Respect To My Husband - Olubunmi Mabel
I hear people say that men always desire respect and want their women to show love to them by respecting them.
I don’t know about that because what I believe is that respect is a two-way street and both parties in a relationship need it, not just the man.
Intrinsically, we all desire to be held in high esteem, especially by our partners.
It goes without saying that if one person in the relationship is at any point doing stuff that shows a lack of regard for the other, that needs to be looked into and stopped.
I’m volunteering to be the guinea pig for today’s article, sharing my personal experience.
To get a healthier marriage, there are certain things I had to let go of because they weren’t communicating respect to my husband.
I’ll tell you what they are; perhaps you might find an area of improvement for your marriage, too.
Thank me.
Oh, don’t mention it; that’s what friends are for!
1. Interrupting him
My husband could be saying, “Babe, I was thinking about…”
I would immediately interrupt, “Oh yeah, the event, right? I know that the…” and go on and on and on.
There’s a finishing each other’s sentences that is cute and even romantic, and then there’s flat out interrupting your husband when he’s speaking, which is not cute.
It was even worse in my case because it didn’t happen once or twice; it happened over and over again.
Sometimes, what I brought up was related to what he was saying, but other times, it was completely different.
Either out of excitement, impatience, or just eagerness, I would talk over him, and in his usual calm fashion, he would keep quiet and let me have my way.
But I soon realized how unpleasant that was and how it didn’t communicate respect to him, so guess what I did?
I simply stopped doing it.
I allow him to finish speaking before I respond because I want to be intentional about showing that I value his thoughts and opinions.
2. Making plans without him
Sometimes, it was just a little casual decision, but other times, the decisions were a little serious.
Being a spontaneous person, I could wake up one morning and finally have a choice for something I’ve been considering for weeks.
I may just go ahead and work with that plan, perhaps before my husband gets up from bed or gets back from work.
My husband is not spontaneous like me; he’s more orderly and calculating, wanting to plan for everything properly and count the cost before doing it.
On the other hand, I sometimes just want to do stuff as the idea lands in my spirit.
This used to make me do many things impulsively without letting my man know.
I’d only remember to inform him after it’s already been done.
Interestingly, most times, he didn’t mind, especially if it wasn’t something major.
But on a few occasions, he voiced out his reservation and communicated that it’d be nice if we discussed some decisions first before they’re carried out.
This opened my eyes to see how my unilateral decisions didn’t communicate honor to him.
For a man I call husband, one who tells me everything and seeks my input in all his decisions, I needed to do better.
So, I began to Involve him in virtually all my decision-making processes, considering his input and preferences.
3. Wearing certain clothes
Before some women begin to protest and tell me that a man can’t dictate what they wear, hear me out.
A man truly shouldn’t dictate your choice of clothing even if he’s your husband.
After all, he saw your sense of style before he married you, and you’re allowed to maintain your individuality, so even if you want to change your style, it’s okay.
However, couples should have a say in each other’s choice of appearance.
I come from a home where my dad radically transformed my mum’s sense of style after marrying her.
My mum went from being a stylish girl in her prime (I saw pictures from her younger days) to being a conservative, unfashionable married woman wearing dull colors, long dresses, and traditional outfits because that was my dad’s preference and religious beliefs.
My mum didn’t mind and happily let go of her previous sense of style because she now subscribed to my dad’s religious beliefs and mindsets, but it kind of rubbed me off the wrong way.
Even though I’m a hundred percent certain that my mum wasn’t coerced or manipulated in any way, I still didn’t like the idea of changing something as major as your style just because you got married.
So naturally, when I got married, I never took my husband’s suggestions on outfits and style, I had a wall of defense in my head that said “You can dictate what I wear,” obviously coming from a place of past experiences.
So, I’d wear anything I felt like wearing, even stuff my husband hated.
I completely disregarded his opinions in that area and although he didn’t force me to do anything, I saw how it made him feel less important, almost like his words didn’t count.
I could tell him to change his shorts or wear a different shirt, and he’d do so in a heartbeat, but he couldn’t tell me anything.
To show more respect for him, I gradually began to change, listening to his opinions more and changing certain outfits that he wasn’t comfortable with me wearing, like extremely revealing ones.
I didn’t overhaul my wardrobe, far from it.
I just learned compromise and met him halfway and that did something to my marriage – the sense of value it brought to my husband is beautiful to see.
4. Fault finding and excessive criticism
If we’re being honest, even children don’t deserve harsh and excessive criticism because it does something unpleasant to their minds.
How much more a full-grown adult?
At some point in my marriage, I observed that I was becoming feisty and always complaining about something my husband did.
His flaws seemed to be super amplified before me and I never failed to point them out to him, like I was perfect myself.
I failed to see his efforts and thank him for them; instead, all I saw were his mistakes.
This one did a number on our marriage, my husband felt very disrespected and began to avoid me.
That broke my heart and I came to a painful realization of my actions.
Men, especially husbands love to have a sense of authority, not because they want to be dictators or tyrants but because they want to be leaders and just have a sense of authority in them.
Scolding them like children and constantly highlighting their mistakes or flaws are sure ways to demean them.
Especially when this is done in public or front of others, it has a terrible effect on the man.
Thankfully, I realized early enough and made a U-turn.
I learned to focus on my husband’s great sides and appreciate him for how much he supports me.
I also learned to address my concerns and issues privately and respectfully, as he did with me.
Now, I avoid embarrassing him or undermining his authority in any way.
5. Ignoring or disregarding him
I said goodbye to every habit of carelessness and disregard for my husband.
Things like dismissing his suggestions, requests, and needs, or being subtly sarcastic in an unpleasant way, I waved goodbye.
Even if you didn’t set out to be disrespectful, the habit can gradually creep in over the years and you’ll find yourself disregarding your partner and even insulting if it’s not watched.
I didn’t want this in my marriage, so when I noticed the subtle patterns in me, I had to call myself to order.
My husband loves and respects me, and I want him to always feel honored and revered by me too.
I want him to feel like a king at all times because, in my kingdom, he’s king.
So, I made a conscious attempt to constantly listen attentively to him, considering his perspective before expressing mine and showing understanding even when I did not fully agree with his perspective.
I pay attention to everything: his interests, hobbies, career, and preferences.
And I pay extra attention when it comes to his opinions on important stuff like life, faith, parenting, and so on.
6. Comparing him to others
There will always be a temptation to compare your partner with someone else, don’t fall for it.
And even if you do fall for it, don’t make the mistake of making that comparison to your partner’s hearing.
I made the mistake so learn from me.
This was one major issue but thankfully it didn’t have to last long because my husband immediately protested.
I’m glad he did because it may have gone on longer than that if he didn’t make me immediately see how wrong it was.
7. Micromanaging
Maybe because I’m a first child and always had to supervise what my siblings were doing, micromanaging became a natural part of me.
I used to try to supervise and influence everything my husband was doing.
That includes basic things like stuff and chores around the house.
He’d tell me he’s got it and do it well.
But for some reason, I would still want to see what he’s doing and make some input.
This habit was helpful sometimes but irritating most times.
I had to learn to respect his decisions and let him handle things himself without policing him like he’s a five-year-old.
8. Withholding affection or intimacy as a form of punishment
I’m sure not alone on this table.
A lot of women are guilty of this.
When we don’t feel too pleased with our husband, he’s not having a happy time in bed with us.
Lovemaking is as mental and emotional as it is physical for a lot of women.
So, I naturally would withdraw from intimacy with my husband, and not show him any warmth to make him feel as unhappy as I was feeling.
But on the flip side, if he was ever upset with me and I craved him in bed, he was always willing to put his reservations aside and satisfy me, and his anger never reduced his kindness and affection for me.
I saw how my actions weren’t serving my marriage and weren’t showing respect for his desires and needs, so I had to adjust.
I now address conflicts and disagreements separately and I don’t let them influence my affection and kindness to my man, or let them hinder intimacy.
Of course, it depends on the gravity of the issue on the ground, but whatever the case may be, I try to approach it healthily without resorting to emotional manipulation.
9. Ignoring his boundaries
I’m a person who believes that there’s nothing like personal space in marriage.
Once you’ve agreed to marry someone, you’ve officially agreed to have your personal space invaded.
However, sometimes your partner may need a little space or have reservations about you going to certain areas in their lives.
I didn’t understand this before, so I would disregard my husband’s request for space and push all the boundaries.
My husband is phlegmatic.
Sometimes, he just wants to take a few minutes or hours to sit in the living room, or his office and think things through.
I’m different from him, so I couldn’t comprehend his needs.
That led to me disregarding them which didn’t communicate respect for his feelings and needs.
However, as I grew, I learned to respect his personal space and boundaries more and avoid pressuring him to do things he was not comfortable with.
It’s all about creating a healthy marriage and home where everyone feels loved, valued, and appreciated.
I knew it was unrealistic to desire a healthy marriage and still be engaging in actions that sabotage that marriage.
So, I had to switch things up, letting go of habits that weren’t serving us, and embracing better habits.
