Emotional Affairs Vs Physical Affairs: Which Hurts More?– 3 Perspectives To Consider - Olubunmi Mabel
I remember overhearing a couple of girls discussing affairs and how it is impossible for most guys to stay loyal to one lady.
They ended their conversation with a rationalization that still gets my blood boiling now, “If it’s just sex, I will accept it so far I am the main partner.”
It made me upset.
I mean, we are talking about the worst betrayal you can face in a relationship, and you are so chill about it.
Their excuse was that a purely physical affair wouldn’t get to them as much as an emotional affair.
This got me thinking: emotional and physical affairs are both betrayals.
But which hurts more?
The answer to this question is not as straightforward as it may seem because people have different perspectives.
Let’s explore this through the eyes of different people, each with their own story to tell.
Quick disclaimer: I won’t be using real names as all experiences were shared confidentially.
Emotional Affairs Vs. Physical Affairs: Which Hurts More?– 3 Perspectives To Consider
1. The Idealist
“Emotional affairs cut deeper.”
For Dean, love is all about emotional connection.
It is all about being vulnerable and intimate with the person you love.
That is his definition of love, and he has practiced it for months in his relationship.
According to him, it would feel like a dagger pierced his heart if he discovered his girlfriend ever cheated on him emotionally.
He thinks he has something special going on with his girlfriend, and the thought of sharing it with anyone else is downright disturbing.
“If my girlfriend shares her deepest thoughts, dreams, and fears with someone else, it’s like she has given away a piece of her soul,” he said.
When I asked if he didn’t think a physical affair was also a painful betrayal, he had this to say…
“A physical affair could be something that just happened during a moment of weakness. One-night stands can be classified as a physical affair, but I don’t think I would be as hurt by a one-night stand as much as by an emotional affair. An emotional feels like a slow but deliberate betrayal. It’s not just about sex. It’s about trust. The thought that she trusts another person enough to share the most intimate parts of herself with them is heartbreaking.”
Dean’s perspective is all about the pain of being replaced on an emotional level.
The sad betrayal of trust that comes with being with someone who shared something sacred with a third party.
When you look at it this way, it is actually a very painful experience.
2. The Pragmatist
“Physical affairs are worse –they are tangible signs of betrayal”– KB.
The friend who made this quote is the most practical one of all my friends.
She literally always seeks the most practical solutions to things.
When asked if emotional affairs are more hurtful than physical affairs, her initial response was shock.
She didn’t know anything like emotional affairs existed.
After explaining to her, she still stuck to her guns and insisted that physical affairs are worse than emotional affairs.
Her reason for saying this was that she believed emotional affairs are vague and ambiguous.
She insisted that there was no way to clearly define what was classified as an emotional affair.
In her words, “You can’t always prove what someone is feeling, but a physical affair? That’s tangible. It is physical evidence that they crossed a line. It’s not only the feelings that matter. The actions are also important”.
For KB, physical affairs are far more hurtful than emotional affairs.
It is a clear-cut betrayal.
Anyone who is involved in a physical affair has crossed a line– the same line people who have emotional affairs haven’t crossed yet.
It is not just the violation of the sacred intimacy shared between partners.
It also includes the risk, the secrecy, and the potential outcomes like STDs or pregnancy that make a physical affair an unforgivable act.
3. The betrayed partner
“It all hurts. There is no competition or comparison”.
These were the words of the one friend I know who had experienced both types of infidelity in past relationships.
He refused to rank the pain because, to him, all infidelities are hurtful betrayals of trust.
“When I found out my ex was emotionally involved with her coworker, it felt like she had checked out of our relationship. I felt really terrible because it felt like she had given something valuable away so cheaply. I tried to move on from this, but it took a long time to build up the trust to get into a relationship, and when I finally did, I had my heart shattered again. She had a one-night stand with a guy she met after we had just had an argument. She claimed she wasn’t herself that night and didn’t mean to hurt me. But the excuses just made it worse. It felt like I had been punched in the guts and left to wallow in pain. Both events left me feeling worthless and wondering if I wasn’t the problem.”
He went on to narrate the long struggle he has had with fighting his insecurities.
“For two ladies to have cheated on me consecutively, I felt like maybe I was at fault. Maybe I wasn’t good enough. Maybe something about me didn’t deserve to be in a relationship”.
He mentioned how all of these happened two years ago and yet he hadn’t been able to think of developing a relationship with someone else.
For him, the real issue isn’t about which kind of affair is worse.
It’s the betrayal itself that gets to you.
“Whether it’s emotional or physical, cheating simply means you have made a choice to deliberately go against everything you have shared with your partner. That’s what hurts the most– thinking you had something special and realizing it wasn’t even close to special”.
He is yet to recover from the hurt and insecurity but still believes in love and hopes that one day, he will be able to find true love and healing from the scars of the past.
The truth is that when you look at the bigger picture, there really is no one-size-fits-all answer to the question.
The answer varies across all individuals.
Most importantly, for people who have experienced it, it is not a competition about which infidelity hurts more.
To them, both affairs bring a lot of pain into their lives–pain they would have been better off without.
Here’s the kicker: emotional and physical affairs are not necessarily mutually exclusive events.
Also, a purely physical affair can gradually morph into an emotional affair as the couple begins to connect more.
The betrayal of trust is what makes both affairs devastating.
Whether it’s emotional or physical, affairs shake the foundations of trust on which the relationship has been built.
It makes the victim question everything, including their own judgment.
It can be a terrible situation to experience.
Healing could be a very low and difficult process, but it definitely will come.
If you are on the receiving end, know that your pain is valid.
Don’t let anyone invalidate your pain with their life’s experience and how they stuck to a cheating partner.
Decide how to move forward yourself.
Has your partner shown enough remorse for you to consider forgiving them?
You could decide to stay or exit.
Some couples rebuild their relationship stronger and better than before.
Others walk away, choosing to prioritize their own well-being.
The choice is yours.
Don’t let anyone demonize you for your choice.
And if you are the one who committed the act?
Own up, admit your mistakes, and be ready to make restitution.
Be ready to embrace transparency with your partner, moving forward or in your next relationship.
You also need to critically examine why you did what you did.
Was it a lapse in judgment or a moment of weakness?
Or was it indicative of deeper issues in your relationship?
Your self-reflection will yield answers that show you which areas of your life you need to work on.
Working on them is the only way of ensuring history doesn’t repeat itself!
You can’t continue to go around being a walking red flag.
Be a better version of yourself!
