The Need for a Playmate
It is quite common for marriages to succumb to a joyless routine, to a hum-drum existence that offers little excitement. Eventually, both marriage partners begin to wonder why their love isn’t as strong as it used to be.
The real reason for this isn’t exactly a mystery. It is attributable to the fact that what these lovers did during courtship they quit doing.
That extra measure of thoughtfulness, those frequent words of appreciation, the fun times spent in leisurely enjoyment—all that dwindled dramatically.
In his book, His Needs, Her Needs, Dr. Willard Harley writes: “I have noticed that when they are courting, men and women generally spend over fifteen hours a week in recreational activities together.”1
So how many recreational hours a week are they enjoying together after they get married? It reduces radically, doesn’t it?
Drawing on more than twenty-five years of marital counseling that included extensive surveys of his clients, Dr. Harley discovered that the second greatest need for men in marriage is recreation. They want their wives to play with them!2
Typically, what occurs is this: Men become less conversational after marriage and women become less recreational.
Appreciating and cultivating relationship dwindles for both husband and wife, as their focus shifts elsewhere. This shift results in missing or omitting moments that could have been meaningful.
I remember one day when Dr. Julian Cave, my doctoral supervisor, asked me the kind of question my philosophical mind loved to engage, “What is life?”
I don’t know what erudite answer I gave, but I’m sure it was global and grandiose.
Without even a hint of rebuttal, Dr. Cave simply said, "For me, life is Sherry and Bob and Fred and Nadine”—people in his home, in his office, in his church. And I remember sitting there stunned, thinking, “You poor man.”
Of course, Dr. Cave was right. Life’s meaning is intertwined with those people whose lives presently intersect ours. We must see that!
Daniel Goldman, the former editor of Psychology Today, tells us: “The brain has two memory systems, one for ordinary facts and one for emotionally charged ones.”3
So are we living our life in such a numbing, uncreative way that only the first system is being supplied? One of the reasons we should “date our mate” is to create precious memories.
So why not be good to ourselves and start planning some creative dates? A good way to begin is to sit down with your mate and make an extensive list of all the mutually enjoyable activities the two of you could share together.
Some of these won’t be overly inventive—for example, most wives love to go out to dinner. So go! Only go with a desire to cultivate an atmosphere that will add joy to your relationship.
While brainstorming possible activities, you may think of things you’ve never done before. If there is something about an idea that even remotely hooks you, check it out. Life doesn’t have to be limited to the tried and proven.
In Stephen Arterburn’s and Carl Dreizler’s book, 52 Simple Ways to Say “I Love You,” the suggestion is offered to celebrate your mate’s birthday for an entire week.
You could arrange for a different friend to contact her each day so that, depending on that friend’s creativity, your wife will be blessed. As well, you could give her a gift each day, even if your budget is limited.4
In his book, Creative Romance, Doug Fields surfaces other possible ways to enrich your marriage. You could write a love story of how you and your spouse met and have it bound.
Or you could build sandcastles on the beach or fly a kite in the park.5 Or you could have a “Yellow Pages Scavenger Hunt.” Mr. Fields describes this expedition in the following way:
When she finds page 263, she will notice that you highlighted the ad for Bob’s Florist Shop and scribbled a note telling her to look in the bathtub.
Leave a note on top of the Yellow Pages instructing your spouse to turn to page 263.
When she checks the bathtub, she finds a rose accompanied by a note with the words “Retail—page 598.”
When she looks up page 598 in the Yellow Pages, she will find Betty’s Cards and Gifts highlighted with a personalized footnote instructing her to check the junk drawer in the closet.
When she searches the closet drawer, she will find a card from you. Inside the card is a torn-out yellow page with a heading “Restaurant”.
When she finds the highlighted restaurant there’s a scribbled note reading, “Dinner at 7:00 ”6
There are motorcycle dates, hiking dates, and work-out dates—for those who are more athletically inclined. There are music dates, slumber party dates, and play-with-the-pet dates—for those who are more homebodies. And for those who are particularly adventurous, there are surprise travel dates, jungle safari dates, even meet-you-under-the-waterfall dates.
Some parents protest, “but we can’t because of the children.” There is either a limitation of time, or money, or some other concern.
What isn’t being considered is that one of the best things that parents could ever do for their children is to model a love before them that they would want to later emulate in their homes.
There must be some purposing in this endeavor; the power of the calendar must be compelled to work for you, not against you.
So ponder! Plan! Promote! Pursue! And have the time of your life as you start making memories together.
Notes:
1. Willard F. Harley, His Needs, Her Needs, (Grand Rapids: Fleming H. Revel, 1986), p.83.
2. Ibid., p.74.
3. David Goleman, Emotional Intelligence, (New York, Toronto, London, Sydney, Auckland: Bantam Books, 1995), p.21.
4. Stephen Arterburn and Carole Dreizler, 52 Simple Ways To Say “I Love You” (Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1991), pp.38,40.
5. Doug Fields, Creative Romance, (Eugene: Harvest House Publishers, 1991), pp.70.
6. Ibid., pp. 82-83.
