When Your Husband Says He Hates You: 16 Things It Means - Olubunmi Mabel

”I hate you!”

The words you never thought you would hear from your husband.

Your husband should be the man who loves you unconditionally and who stands by your side through thick and thin.

Even a hater will rarely be ever as violently vocal about it.

Now, your own man, the one you share body fluids, says he hates you.

That’s heavy!

But before you panic and start questioning your entire relationship, let’s take a step back and understand what those words might actually mean.

1. He is angry:

Have you ever said something hurtful to someone you love when you are angry?

I have.

In fact, in the first week of our marriage, I sent some text messages to my husband in a fit of anger.

I said things I didn’t mean.

So when your husband says he hates you, it could simply be a result of anger and frustration rather than genuine hate.

He might be saying he hates you because he is angry, but deep down, he still loves you.

This is especially true if, after he says that he hates you, he calms down and apologizes for his words and actions.

Or if his actions afterward show that he still cares for you.

Just give him some space to cool off before jumping to conclusions.

2. He is hurt:

When someone you adore hurts your feelings, it hurts, literally.

You feel emotional pain, and it’s not a pleasant feeling.

So when your husband says he hates you, it might be because you have hurt him in some way.

Maybe you said or did something that really offended him, and he is using those words to express how hurt he feels.

Similar to being angry, when someone is hurting emotionally, they may lash out and say things they don’t mean as a defense mechanism.

3. He has unresolved issues:

Sometimes, things from his past can be like uninvited guests at a dinner party, popping up at the most inconvenient times.

If your husband says he hates you, there might be some unresolved issues from his past playing a game of peek-a-boo with his emotions.

He might be projecting his pain and anger onto you without even realizing it as a result of these unresolved issues.

It can be abandonment issues from his childhood, low self-esteem, issues around growing up in a dysfunctional family, and so on.

He possibly doesn’t mean those words but is just blinded by the shadows from the past.

The past, if not contained, is like a wildfire that can destroy everything in the present and the future as well.

I once dated a guy who didn’t grow up with both parents and had a lot of issues due to that.

He’d sometimes become moody and withdrawn, and I later learned that he was struggling with feelings of abandonment

That was the way he chose to cope with his emotions, by pushing people away.

For some guys, they may resort to using harsh words or even physical aggression as a defense mechanism.

But the truth is, it’s not really about you; it’s their own internal battles that they haven’t dealt with.

You might think your husband is an adult and should have it all together, but in reality, we all carry our own baggage and struggles.

Everyone has their own story and reasons for behaving the way they do.

If your husband has been a good husband and, in a moment of anger, he says something hurtful, like he hates you, that might not be a reflection of his true character or his feelings towards you.

It takes strength and understanding to look past these moments and see the bigger picture.

4. He feels unappreciated:

We all want to feel appreciated by our partners.

When we put in effort and love, we expect to receive the same in return.

If this doesn’t happen, it can lead to frustration.

Your husband may be reacting out of frustration because he doesn’t feel appreciated.

The thing about expectations is that when they are unmet, it can cause a lot of ill feelings to settle on your inside.

5. He’s overwhelmed:

Adulting can sometimes be overwhelming, especially when you have a family to take care of.

There could be external factors like work stress or financial pressure that are causing your husband to feel overwhelmed.

Add that to marital issues, and it’s a recipe for emotional outbursts.

When your husband says he hates you, it could be his way of expressing that he is overwhelmed, and honestly, I’ve been there.

That was the day I understood the impact stress can have on a marriage.

6. He’s seeking attention:

Not only women love attention from their partners.

Some men are really big babies when it comes to attention.

When your man says he hates you, it could be his way of trying to get your attention.

Because feeling invisible or neglected can lead one to make pretty dramatic statements just to get a reaction, any reaction.

It’s like when a toddler says, “You don’t love me!” after being told they can’t have candy for dinner, like my kids do.

It’s not that they truly believe you don’t love them; they’re just trying to express their frustration and get your attention.

If your husband is saying he hates you, he might be feeling neglected or taken for granted and is desperately trying to communicate that need for attention.

7. Lost in translation:

Have you ever said something to your partner, only for them to completely misunderstand or misinterpret it?

It happens in my marriage, and I have to explain and clarify what I meant because sometimes what I said wasn’t what he heard.

This can happen for a variety of reasons, such as different communication styles or language barriers if you come from different cultural backgrounds.

When your man says he hates you, it could be a result of this miscommunication.

Maybe he said something in anger or frustration, and you heard it as a declaration of hate.

For example, when your husband says he hates you, it could be his way of saying ”I hate this situation” or ”I hate how things are between us right now”.

It may not necessarily mean that he hates you as a person.

8. Past hurts surfacing:

There’s a reason couples divorce due to irreconcilable differences, and that reason is often past hurts that resurface in the relationship.

Hurts and conflicts that weren’t resolved and kept piling up until they reached a breaking point.

At this point, there are just too many issues that couples don’t even know where to start.

If your husband is saying he hates you, it could be a sign that unresolved issues from the past are coming back to haunt your relationship.

He may have never fully dealt with certain hurts or conflicts, and they are now manifesting in his words and actions towards you.

9. Depression or mental health issues:

Depression and other mental health issues can greatly affect one’s perception and behavior in a relationship.

When all is well with your mental health, you are better equipped to handle issues and communicate effectively in a relationship.

However, if your husband is struggling with depression or another mental health issue, he may have a distorted view of the relationship and may say hurtful things without fully meaning them.

So, ”I hate you” is an outlet for their own internal struggles, not what they feel for you.

10. Lack of emotional intelligence:

Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize and manage one’s own emotions, as well as understand and empathize with others’ emotions. 

A husband who lacks emotional intelligence is more likely to say or do things that hurt his wife without realizing the impact of his actions. 

I mean, it takes a great deal of emotional maturity to not say hurtful things in the heat of an argument and to apologize sincerely when you have. 

But if your husband struggles with emotional intelligence, he will throw caution into the wind and say anything that comes to his mind, regardless of how it may hurt you, even if he doesn’t really mean it.

11. Lack of empathy:

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. 

A husband who lacks empathy may be unable to put himself in his wife’s shoes and truly understand how she feels. 

This can lead to misunderstandings, disagreements, and hurtful actions or words. 

Without empathy, a husband may struggle to effectively communicate with his wife and address any issues that arise in their relationship.

12. A reflection of self-hate

They say hurt people hurt people, and this can be especially true in marriage.

If your husband struggles with self-hate or low self-esteem, he may project those negative feelings onto you. 

He may criticize you constantly, belittle your accomplishments, or even try to control your behavior in an attempt to feel better about himself.

Saying he hates you here means he hates himself.

But how many people can admit to hating themselves?  

It takes a lot of self-awareness and courage to acknowledge one’s own flaws and negative thoughts.

For a man who cannot do this, he’ll express his self-hate in other ways, often hurting those closest to him, aka YOU.

13. Financial stress

Finances are a common source of conflict in marriages. 

Money is key, guys, especially in a marriage. 

If your husband is struggling to provide for the family or is dealing with financial stress, it can cause him to lash out at you.

He may feel inadequate or frustrated that he cannot live up to societal expectations of being a provider, and saying he hates you might mean he hates himself for not being able to meet these expectations.

14. Experiencing relationship burnout

If you’ve ever had to solely pull a heavy load then you’ll understand how exhausting it can be. 

Being in a marriage requires a lot of work, compromise, and sacrifice. 

If your husband is feeling burnt out from constantly giving to the relationship, he may express his frustrations by saying he hates you.

This doesn’t necessarily mean he actually hates you, but rather that he needs a break or some form of support to recharge and continue contributing to your relationship.

15. Health issues

We learn from childhood that health is wealth. 

But unfortunately, life happens and we may experience health issues that can affect our emotions and behavior.

If your husband is going through a health issue, he may be struggling to cope with the changes and express his frustrations by saying he hates you.

Good health is indeed everything, honestly.

16. He hates you for real 

Okay, I’ve been trying to be positive from the first point, but let’s face it, sometimes a person may genuinely hate their spouse.

It could be due to past unresolved issues, recent conflicts, midlife crisis, or he’s in love with someone else.

If your husband is truly saying he hates you and his actions support this claim, then that’s how he feels about you, unfortunately. 

Hate is too strong a word or feeling to express toward someone you once loved and vowed to spend the rest of your life with.

However, it is also a human emotion that can arise in any relationship, including marriage.

If your husband says he hates you, don’t let it go.

Talk to him, find out what’s causing these intense feelings, and try to work through them together. 

No one deserves to be in a miserable marriage.

Absolutely no one!