"Why Do I Feel Used By My Husband?"– 7 Reasons You Feel This Way And What To Do About It  - Olubunmi Mabel

Some time ago, I took a moment to think about my relationships.

I was feeling particularly low that day, and it felt like my closest friends weren’t there for me.

The truth is that I was feeling quite used in my relationships.

I had always been there for them through tough times, but right when I was going through a tough phase, I was abandoned to deal with my issues.

This got to me.

I wondered if I was overthinking things; perhaps they had stuff going on for them as well.

I wanted to be angry and just nurse the resentment in me, but I couldn’t.

I spoke with them, told them how I felt, and we resolved everything.

The truth is that feeling used by someone you love can be a very painful experience.

It can leave you questioning yourself and the foundation of your relationship.

It may begin to feel like everything you have shared and experienced with your husband has all just been your imagination.

In fact, you may even begin to question yourself.

Perhaps you are just making things up.

Maybe things are not as bad as you are making them out to be, and so on…

If you’re feeling used by your husband, it’s important to understand the possible reasons behind these emotions and what you can do about them.

Here are some of the reasons you feel used by your husband.

“Why Do I Feel Used By My Husband?”– 7 Reasons You Feel This Way And What To Do About It 

1. He doesn’t appreciate you

One of the major reasons you may be feeling used by your husband is if he doesn’t appreciate you.

Growing up, I used to find it difficult to say “please,” “sorry,” and “thank you.”

I got into a whole lot of trouble because of that.

Now that I am all grown up, I am shocked at how remarkably stubborn I was.

While it is understandable if a child doesn’t display the tendency to be appreciative (children are not mature), it is not acceptable.

They have to be taught the importance of appreciation.

So, if children have to be taught the importance of appreciation, what’s stopping an adult from appreciating his wife?

When we do things in our relationships, we expect gratitude.

It doesn’t really matter that we are just doing our duties.

We still deserve appreciation.

If you are feeling used by your husband, it could be because he never seems to appreciate your efforts in the marriage.

He just acts like he is entitled to everything you do for him.

He doesn’t seem to notice when you have cooked his favorite meal.

He doesn’t seem grateful that you have always supported him over the years.

When a man does all of these to you, you feel like you are being used in your relationship.

I once visited a couple in their house and was shocked by how the man treated his wife.

It was more like the relationship an army commander has with his subordinates.

“Bring my food for me.”

“Take the plates away.”

“I have some dirty clothes.”

It felt like he was addressing his domestic help.

Even if he was addressing an actual domestic help, I would have still been shocked.

Domestic helps are humans too and after they execute your commands, it is just proper to say “thank you”.

I know you pay salaries, but the fact that you appreciate them shows that you see them as more than house helps.

Well, I won’t be surprised if that woman feels used.

Her husband sent her on so many errands while I was there that I wished I could snuggle her out of that house when I was leaving, just like Prince Paris in the movie Troy.

Husbands need to do better in terms of appreciating their wives.

Women do too many things that go unnoticed and unappreciated.

Let’s cultivate a culture of appreciating our partners.

2. You are the only one investing in the marriage

Marriage is a two-way street.

If partners don’t contribute mutually to the success of the marriage, it is likely to collapse.

Just like a building that stands on only one pillar.

If you are feeling used in your marriage, the reason may not be so farfetched.

You may be the only one making an effort in the relationship.

That’s really bad.

You can’t always give without receiving anything in return.

That’s a terrible thing to experience in marriage.

This was why I changed my circle of friends some years back.

These guys literally took all I had to offer but didn’t even offer the slightest support when I needed help.

I will never forget how lonely I felt.

You are probably feeling the same way right now if this is what you are going through in your marriage.

You feel like you are the one doing everything in the house.

From emotional support to household responsibilities, you bear the burden without receiving any help from your husband.

Sometimes, you may even have to make financial contributions all by yourself.

If this is what is happening in your marriage, it shouldn’t be so surprising that you are feeling used by your husband.

Dear husbands, don’t be a deadbeat husband and father.

You don’t want to be the type of father and husband that your sons vow to never be like and your daughters vow to always avoid.

Do the right thing.

3. Your husband emotionally manipulates you

This is a more subtle manifestation of being used in your marriage.

It is so subtle that many people don’t realize that they are being manipulated.

For a long time in my life, I used to feel guilty about many things.

I felt guilty that I didn’t do any physical labor with my classmates in school.

Their looks always made me feel guilty.

But who actually feels guilty for being asthmatic?

Only someone who is experiencing subtle emotional manipulation.

It is the same thing that happens in your relationship.

You know how you feel like you are being used in your relationship.

You know what you feel, but sometimes you feel guilty for feeling that way.

You feel guilty for thinking your husband is using you.

It gets even worse when he wants to get something from you.

He knows how to emotionally manipulate you into giving him what he wants, even if it is to your own detriment.

Through a unique combination of guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or making you feel responsible for your happiness, your husband almost always gets what he wants without giving any thought to what it costs you.

If your husband treats you like this, it is probably the reason you feel used by your husband.

In actual fact, you are actually being used.

4. Lack of intimacy

You feel that there is an utter drought of intimacy in your marriage, and it is not due to a lack of effort on your part.

It’s just that your husband really doesn’t see the need for intimacy anymore in the marriage.

By intimacy, I mean physical and emotional intimacy.

Your husband doesn’t seem to share any deep connection with you and it has been like this for a prolonged period.

He doesn’t touch you affectionately, nor does he make love to you anymore.

It feels like you are in a relationship with a stranger.

This lack of intimacy can contribute to you feeling like your relationship is more about convenience than genuine connection.

5. Your needs are unmet

While I have always firmly believed that expecting your husband to meet all your needs is irrational and unrealistic, he should be able to meet the majority of your needs.

Everyone has needs in relationships, and while you may be driven to think of financial needs when I speak of needs, there are other important needs a wife may have in her marriage.

Emotional and even physical needs are quite important.

In fact, I believe that emotional needs are the most important needs a man needs to satisfy in his marriage.

Not because “women are emotional beings” but because marriage is usually built upon a strong emotional connection.

Imagine a woman is upset.

Her husband is in the best position to calm her down, except if she is actually upset with him.

Even then, he has the ability to calm her down.

Women need their husbands in so many ways, but they mostly need emotional support.

When these needs are left unmet, it is not even surprising for the woman to feel used by her husband.

If your needs are consistently unmet while you are always catering to your husband’s, you may actually feel used by him.

This imbalance can make it seem like you are in a relationship with yourself.

6. Your husband is selfish

I grew up in a community of people who had weird concepts of marriage.

In my community, it was difficult to see a man married to only one woman.

Apart from this, having many children as well as wives was/is still considered a big flex here.

So, I grew up seeing men having many wives and giving birth to more kids than they could take care of if they wanted to.

Most of them didn’t plan on being responsible fathers anyway.

So, you would see a man married to several women with several malnourished children.

Yet, the men keep on glowing and taking care of themselves while their wives and children look like they have just survived a famine.

Self-centered men!

They only care about themselves.

If you are married to a selfish man, it is not surprising that you feel you are being used.

Selfish people only care about themselves.

They think of other people as just tools.

If your husband is selfish, the truth is you have just been a tool to him all this while.

7. He takes advantage of you

Give some men just an inch, and they will take a mile.

They don’t know how to handle boundaries, and even when you set boundaries for your own welfare, they find ways to step over the line.

If your husband has frequently taken advantage of your niceness in the past without reciprocating, you must be feeling used.

One particular man in my area has taken advantage of his wife so much that it feels like the woman can’t get anything for herself.

She got a car once with her money, and he wanted to take it off her hands.

Why?

Because “Why would a wife have a car when her husband doesn’t?”

Those were his exact words.

He kept on pressuring her, but when he realized that she wasn’t going to allow herself to be used like that anymore, he became angry and violent.

Look, the reason you feel used is not so far-fetched if your husband does any of the above to you.

Now that you know why you feel used by your husband, what should you do about it?

Do you just continue to be treated like a tool, or do you do something about it?

Here are some simple things you can do if you are in this situation.

The first step is to communicate your feelings openly and honestly.

Let your husband know how his actions are affecting you.

Telling him how unappreciated you feel in the relationship and how dissatisfied you are.

Then, establishing clear boundaries is crucial.

Let your husband know what you are comfortable with and what you are not.

Also, talking to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist can provide you with the support and perspective you need.

Most importantly, you need to prioritize self-care.

If you don’t care for yourself, no one will.

So, ensure you don’t do anything that will endanger your well-being.

If your husband persists despite your efforts, it might be time to evaluate the relationship.

What’s the point of being someone’s instrument?

You need to consider if the marriage is worth continuing.

You will have to be the one to answer this question yourself.

PS: Dear men, your wives are not tools, and neither are they domestic help.

Treat them the way you want to be treated.