8 Ugly Truths About Marriage We Don't Want To Admit - Olubunmi Mabel
Marriage isn’t the paradise it is painted to be.
Beginning with the Disney animations we loved so much as kids, so much effort has gone into creating the unrealistic impression that marriage is all about “happily ever afters.”
Kids grow up watching these movies and forming several unrealistic expectations about marriage.
In reality, there are no happily ever afters.
Not even in happy and successful marriages.
There are no fairytale-like aspects about the journey of marriage.
It takes a lot of patience, commitment, and trust to make any relationship work.
This is especially true for marriages.
Many people get married without realizing this truth, and when they finally do, it is a rude shock for them.
There are several truths about marriages that you need to know before deciding to get married…
Some are not so pleasant, but it is better to be prepared for the reality of marriage.
Below are some ugly truths about marriage we don’t usually want to admit.
8 Ugly Truths About Marriage We Don’t Want To Admit
A quick disclaimer before we get started…
I apologize if my intro overcompensates and makes marriage look bleak.
Marriage is beautiful.
You will experience many magical moments, especially when you are married to someone who loves you and is ready to work hard to make the relationship successful.
Let’s get started!
1. Love isn’t always enough
I know…
You are shocked.
I was shocked, too, when I realized this.
Growing up, the movies and books seemed to make us feel that all we needed to do was find someone we loved to enjoy a happy marriage.
In reality, this is not so.
Admittedly, love is a powerful force, but it is always enough to sustain a successful marriage.
In the early phases of your marriage, you may feel like this is impossible because you are so in love that love has become tangible to you.
You still feel flutters in your belly when he talks to you…
The passion is so strong that you can’t imagine a time when all of these feelings will fade away.
I hate to break the news to you, but sometimes, in marriage, you will look at your partner and wonder why you married them.
These are the times it feels like the butterflies are dead and passion only pulses weakly.
These are the times when your commitment and determination to remain with your partner are the only things keeping you moving.
Love isn’t always enough to sustain a marriage.
Without commitment, trust, and effective communication, a previously happy marriage may soon be in chaos.
I am not saying love isn’t important.
I am saying that love can only play its part in your relationship.
Love is a significant force in relationships…
However, trust and commitment are also important.
Never focus on one at the expense of the others if you want a successful marriage.
2. Marriage is not the cure for lust
I am a Christian, and one of the core tenets of my beliefs is a strong dislike for all forms of premarital sex.
Well, in a generation where thirst traps, barely dressed, and nude models are easily seen on social media and in our physical environment, this is quite a difficult task, right?
Our pastors developed a way to help people achieve this.
They would usually advise mature youths to get married if they feel like they can’t control themselves.
While this may have worked in some cases, I have realized this harsh truth…
Marriage is not the cure for lust.
If a lustful young man gets married to avoid having premarital sex, what is the assurance that he won’t still lust after another woman?
Many people are getting married with the intent that whatever lustful desires they may have held will be satisfied by their partners.
I agree that sex with your partner may go a long way in satisfying your raging libido.
However, if you have always battled with lust, marriage is not a cure for this.
In fact, before getting into marriage, you need to start working on yourself.
Self-control is vital for everyone, especially married couples.
Work on self-discipline…
Your desires shouldn’t always control your actions.
Otherwise, you will most likely cheat on your partner.
3. You won’t have sex all the time
One of the reasons why I said marriage is not a cure for lust is the fact that you won’t always have sex in marriage.
If you have been dreaming about daily sexual gymnastics, you had better wake up to the harsh reality.
Every marriage goes through periods where they may not have sex with their partners for a long time.
It may start out as just going for days without physical intimacy.
However, it most likely may increase to weeks or even months without it.
While I don’t like the idea, it is something you must be prepared for.
Contrary to what you may feel, this doesn’t mean that the love in the marriage has run out.
Rather, it could be influenced by a variety of factors.
When couples start having kids and more responsibilities, physical intimacy may become less of a priority.
However, even when it may look like you no longer make love frequently, you should realize that there are other ways to remain intimate with your partner.
Physical intimacy can include affectionate gestures like hugs, kisses, and holding hands.
Most importantly, intimate conversations are necessary.
Conversations may not be physical gestures, but they help couples stay connected.
4. Communication breakdowns can end a marriage
We usually tend to underestimate the power of communication in relationships.
The truth is communication is the key to having a successful relationship.
Maybe I should rephrase that…
Effective communication is the key to having a successful relationship.
While normal communication involves an exchange of words between two people, effective communication involves understanding.
When communication doesn’t result in understanding, we can infer that it results in misunderstanding.
Basically, misunderstanding is the root of most conflicts.
While I sometimes say that “a little conflict is beneficial for your relationship,” if conflicts are not resolved amicably, they could lead to the relationship’s failure.
An ugly truth most people don’t like to admit about marriage is that…
In marriage, those little breakdowns in communication that we overlook are gradually causing a rift between couples.
When you ignore these little things, they later accumulate and become bigger problems that can no longer be ignored.
Honest and effective communication is what builds mutual respect and trust in relationships.
And while it may seem simple in theory, it is actually difficult to communicate effectively in marriage.
Sometimes, talking to your partner calmly may feel like an uphill task.
On days like this, you need to put in the most effort.
Put in the effort on such days because what we do in these times truly matters.
5. Marriage can feel lonely sometimes
The fairy tales didn’t prepare you for this, but marriage can sometimes be lonely.
This is why we say that no matter how beautiful a marriage is, it is not perfect, and things cannot be rosy all the time.
No matter how much you love your partner, there are times in marriage when the responsibilities of life may make you so busy that you almost don’t have time for your partner.
You can’t always meet your partner’s needs…
There are times you won’t meet each other’s needs.
In those times, marriage may feel truly lonely.
At those times, it may feel like it’s just you against the world.
This is why it is crucial to have meaningful friendships with people you can trust.
In times like these, you can always count on a support system that has your back.
Now, the lonely periods don’t last forever.
In fact, the true test of a successful marriage is how couples bounce back from these periods, stronger like nothing ever happened.
Here’s my little advice…
Always try to make space in your busy schedule for your partner.
It’s not really about how much time you spend together.
The quality of the time spent together also matters.
So, make space to spend quality time with your partner regardless of your busy schedule and see the wonders it can do.
It won’t be easy to do it.
But you can do it.
Because…
6. Marriage requires a lot of sacrifices
You may attend relationship seminars and still see no difference in your marriage because sometimes many speakers don’t honestly discuss the sacrifices they make in marriage.
The harsh reality of marriage is that if you are not ready to make sacrifices, you have no business being married.
Just remain single.
Marriage will demand sacrifices from you.
You will need to sacrifice some of your desires to ensure your marriage works.
Compromises are usually necessary in marriage.
How do you resolve conflicts if you are not ready to meet your partner halfway?
The ugly truth about marriage is that sometimes you may need to compromise your career goals, dreams, and desires for the success of your marriage.
Even with considerate partners who are ready to meet you halfway, you still need to sacrifice.
7. Responsibilities are not always 50/50
I see single people on social media discussing marriage like it’s a partnership deal in a firm.
They want to share responsibilities equally in marriage.
They want equally shared household chores and payment of bills.
The questions about who will cook and who will do the laundry are usually only posed by single individuals.
The fact is that in marriage, responsibilities are usually not equally shared.
It’s not a bad idea, but it’s just not the reality of marriage.
In reality, couples are meant to support each other.
This means that when your partner is down, it is your responsibility to keep everything in order.
You may have to carry a larger proportion of the responsibilities for that period of time.
Your responsibilities will differ on different days because sometimes your partner will also be called upon to pick up the slack.
So, really, it’s not about who will cook or who will pay the rent.
Marriage is more about knowing what needs to be done and doing it to the best of your capacity.
8. Prepare for in-law interference
I know you really haven’t thought about it…
But marriage is not just happily ever after for you and your partner; it also comes with your in-laws.
When you were taking the marriage vows, your in-laws were probably looking at you with side eyes because they were wondering why they were not added to the vows.
Well, whether they are added to the vows or not, most inlaws usually love to show their presence in your marriage.
They will try to interfere in your marriage regardless of how private you are.
It is at this point that you need to exercise strength and make them realize that you don’t have any room for third-party interference in your marriage.
One of the best ways to ensure a successful marriage is to be firm when your in-laws try to interfere in your relationship.
However, don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean you should make your in-laws enemies.
You can treat them pleasantly while still maintaining that your marriage is not their business…
Except you invite their input.
A marriage has so many phases…
The bright and the dull.
The peaceful and the turbulent.
On some days, everything feels like heaven.
While on others, you just feel tired of it all.
These are some ugly truths about marriage many people don’t want to admit.
This is not an attempt to discourage you from marriage.
Instead, it is a way of giving you a clear view of the bigger picture.
We spend so much time preparing for the perfect wedding that we don’t focus on what we do after.
Marriage is not just about love; it is a choice that we have to make every day of our lives.
You wake up each morning to renew your commitment to make things in your marriage.
This is how successful marriages are created.
This is what you must do to enjoy a happy and successful marriage.
