He’s Not A Ladies Man After All

(Photo: Pixabay)

This is a post about awareness. There is a lot of relationship fraud going on. There are various types of relationship fraud. This post is not about bashing anyone because of their personal lifestyle choices. That is between them and God. However, if someone brings another person into their life, both people need to be fully aware of what they are getting into.

The point is for people to live honestly and in awareness. Ladies should understand that there are some men who seem to be conventional or traditional men who marry women. Meanwhile, on the side, they are sexually involved with other men.

There are numerous stories reported of women finding out that their husband is on what is called the down-low. Many people have already heard of the phrase being “on the down-low.”

A colleague of mine reported to me that she was told by her male friend that most of the men he deals with sexually are “straight” married men.

Yikes. Clearly, the men he described are not straight men if they are dealing with men in this way. This issue is a sobering reality that does not get talked about much. I don’t think that it is talked about nearly enough.

The down-low definitely has been talked about and continues to be talked in the past, mainly outside of the church. There are reports going around about it. There have also been talk show episodes where this topic has been discussed.

This issue transcends race. This crisis is worsening and not getting better. It is something women need to understand. Some men seem not to be interested in mature women of wisdom, but prefer more immature and vulnerable, inexperienced women. Some men don’t even want women at all.

Previously, many women have been concerned about praying for the right man, praying and hoping that he will be faithful. Usually, the concern was about him straying to be with other women.

Well, not only is this a very legitimate concern, but perhaps just as often, some men are cheating with men. Women need to understand this, be aware of it. Some men don’t even like women, but they will marry a woman to keep up appearances. This is yet another reason for a woman not to be overzealous or desperate for a man.

Satan capitalizes on a person’s loneliness. A woman who is desperate for a boyfriend or husband will be a very good target for a man who is on the down-low.

This type of man likely will know she wants to get married probably more than anything. He has his own need to marry her so that she can be…well, ‘his beard’ as they say. If he marries her, he can appear conventional as a heterosexual man married to a woman.

This is something that’s good to be aware of. Contrary to being worried, there is a great need to be aware, careful and prayerful. That is the purpose of this post, is to once again highlight something that is not talked enough about in the church or elsewhere really.

• This is not the time to be without discernment.

• This is not the time to ignore intuition.

Some of the men practicing these closeted lifestyles are pastors. Some are single and some are married to women.

The lifestyle people live is their business. However, it is wrong to marry fraudulently. When a man or woman gets married, but they are dealing with other people on the side, this is obviously very wrong. For men who are in same-sex relationships while involved with women, it brings extra health risks to the women as well.

This is not the time to be ignoring red flags. People make their own personal choices and enjoy the benefits or suffer the consequences.

Women who are in extra-marital same-sex-attracted relationships could bring diseases to their man, but on average, it is the man involved sexually with other men who may bring many diseases, including HIV to his partner or spouse.

According to the Center for Disease Control, men who have sex with men are at greater risk for the acquiring and transmission of STDs. Of course, heterosexual people also acquire and transmit diseases.

It is important for all people to be careful and to live in awareness. Women can be particularly vulnerable. Those who follow Jesus Christ and live with Kingdom purpose can benefit from being extra vigilant to avoid the snares of the adversary. The adversary really loves to attack followers of Jesus Christ. Church buildings seem to be one of his favorite places.

One way the enemy comes between God and some people is through the hurt that he inflicts on them by using other people to hurt them. Some people blame God for the terrible situations they end up in. Confusion, perversion and the mistreatment of people by others is not of God.

God honors our free will. We can honor God and our own free will by using it very wisely.

People must be careful and prayerful to avoid the traps. They must be very wise about how they use their own free will. Christians understand that God is first with no other gods before Him. It is wise to pray pray, pray, and pray some more!

Trusting in God and being led by the Holy Spirit is so important. He will not lead His daughters into a marriage with a husband who likes and is involved in this way with other men. God does not lead His sons or His daughters into a fraudulent marriage.

It is very important for the people of God to be discerning and also very important for them not to idolize leaders, pastors, or anyone else, and defend or cover up sins. Many congregants are very defensive of their church leaders when their sins are exposed.

Fraud In the Pulpit.

It is wise to never automatically trust someone because of their position or title. Many people become taken with a position or title and are blindsided to the reality of the character of the person in that title or position. For example, it is very important not to automatically trust someone around your child just because they are a pastor or in some other noble position or title.

Some women become captivated with men in certain positions and titles. Some want to be known as a pastor’s wife or girlfriend. Well, there is a former pastor and former sheriff deputy who was arrested for allegedly having sex with male prison inmates. Later he was convicted of the crimes. His name is Pastor Matthew Mellerson [1].

Married Pastor John Martin of a fundamentalist Baptist Church in Florence reportedly admitted to sexually abusing at least one boy. Allegedly, the boy was in sixth or seventh grade when the abuse began [2].

There are many, many other occurrences of these types of abusive and fraudulent situations happening. There are plenty current cases circulating, such as Pastor Dwayne Dawkins, who, according to Dawson Speaks TV, very recently has acknowledged the sex tape of him with another man that was leaked. Pastor Dawkins congregants had previously denied it was him in the tape. Now Pastor Dawkins is reportedly apologizing for his actions. He is also married to a woman and has children.

According to NPR.ORG, there are many black members of the church who are closeted and “gay.” Many are in leadership positions [3]. To clarify once again, the issue I am referring to is not someone’s lifestyle choice. The issue that I am highlighting is the dishonesty of those who are dating or marrying fraudulently.

I highlight demographics because such details are also important. The communities need healing. Knowledge is necessary. People need to protect themselves and remain prayerful. It is about awareness. It is a reminder to be extra prayerful and discerning.

It has become obvious to me that just because a man preaches against a certain lifestyle, it does not mean that he is not involved in that particular lifestyle himself.

It is one thing if people are open about who they are. It is one thing if they disclose all necessary details to their partner. Sadly, this is often not the case. Many of the pastors who are involved with other men marry women and even have families.

There is too much at stake to keep this hush-hush. It is no one’s duty to condemn or harm anyone because of their lifestyle choices. However, people need to be educated on the deception and fraudulent activity going on inside some of the churches as well as outside the church.

There are platforms that particularly address black men being on the down low. It seems to be a prevalent and growing problem in the black community. It is a danger for the women who don’t know who and what they are dealing with.

There are numerous YouTube videos with men and women trying to give women clues and signs to help them identify a down low man. All one needs to do is search YouTube about the topic.

I am not one for shirking unpleasant topics. I am not one who wants to push things under the carpet. Again, there is too much at stake. Prayer and awareness are crucial. There are plenty of women who give their testimony to and for all who will listen. I do not automatically discount what they say, but I listen. I observe.

They report they married a man who was into men. Or they had a boyfriend who was into men. Some were given HIV. They have a message, including tips to help other women. I know personally of a case where a Christian woman married a man from the church who was into men.

Some of the men having sex with men on the side are pastors and many are not. Some are worship leaders. Some are coaches for sports. They are in various titles and positions. I wanted to spotlight pastors, because some people seem to put faith in church positions and titles.

This issue is going on inside plenty of the churches. How much more outside of the churches? The church is increasingly a haven for all kinds of debauchery. The Bible warns us numerous times about deception and to be careful and prayerful in these evil times.

“So be careful how you live. Don’t live like fools, but like those who are wise. Make the most of every opportunity in these evil days.  Don’t act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do. ” Ephesians 5: 15-17 (NLT).

“These people are false apostles. They are deceitful workers who disguise themselves as apostles of Christ. But I am not surprised! Even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light.” 2 Corinthians 11:13-14 (NLT). It is an excellent reminder of the great deception that is out there.

[1] Pastor Matthew Mellerson:

[2] Pastor John Martin:

[3] NPR report:


Used with permission from Petrina Ferguson.

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