7 Real Reasons Some Couples Grow Apart After Kids - Olubunmi Mabel

You know what they say about children – “Children are blessings” – the heritage of God if you subscribe to Christian views.

Even if you don’t, you can still describe them as bundles of joy.

When a couple welcomes a baby, it’s often described as one of the most joyous and transformative experiences in their lives.

There are several couples who actually think that their happiest day was the day they welcomed their first child.

However, despite the bliss and happiness that the new addition to the family brings, raising kids is hard work.

It is not for the weak, as it comes with additional responsibilities and some unforeseen challenges.

Don’t get me wrong…

Parenting is a wonderful experience of love, shared laughter, and fun activities.

However, behind the picture-perfect idea of family lies an unsettling reality: some couples grow apart after having kids.

It usually happens gradually until it leaves the couples wondering, “How did we ever get here?”.

Well, here are some genuine reasons why some couples grow apart after having children.

1. There is a shift in priorities

Before children, the dynamics of a marriage are usually simple.

Couples usually place each other at the center of their world.

They give each other the highest priority.

It’s funny how life gets more complex from the moment you find love.

A single person only prioritizes themselves.

A married person gives the highest priority to their partner.

However, when children come into play, it becomes more complex.

The needs of the children usually come first before any other person can be considered, and if this is not properly managed, it may create feelings of neglect.

I have seen videos online of wives teasing their daughters and claiming that they have been replaced by their daughters.

While it is usually just a joke, the truth is that when kids enter the equation, it may sometimes feel like everything is all about keeping them satisfied.

Couples should also pay attention to each other during periods like this, but it can sometimes be difficult to do so.

So, in taking care of their kids, many couples stop paying attention to each other.

They no longer pay attention to their need for quality time together.

They stop getting thoughtful gifts for each other.

In fact, they stop really talking to each other, and this is when they start losing themselves.

If they are not talking about the kids, it feels like there is nothing else to talk about.

2. Lack of time and energy

Taking care of children can be demanding and exhausting.

The arrival of a newborn baby is greeted with joy, but it is also the beginning of a cycle of sleepless nights, constant feedings, and frequent diaper changes.

This period can leave the parents drained.

When children get older, the work doesn’t reduce.

It’s just the details of the work that changes.

Parents can be so consumed with fulfilling their roles as parents that they literally have no time and energy for each other.

Parenting is a full-time job – add this to their normal jobs, and parents really have overwhelming schedules to deal with.

This can translate into less quality time spent together and fewer interactions.

If this goes on for a long period, couples may grow apart because the sense of connection is no longer there.

Love and emotional connection are like a tender plant grown in a nursery.

With the right combination of care and sunlight, it will thrive.

However, if it is left to survive on its own, it may wither away.

Couples need to keep the atmosphere of their homes right for love to grow, even when they are parents.

In fact, especially when they are parents!

3. They have different parenting styles

As a little kid, I always felt my mum was wicked.

She was the strict one.

The parent who punished you for “minor” transgressions around the house.

Actually, she was always around.

I guess that’s why it seemed like she was harsh.

In my adolescent years, I gravitated more toward her than my dad because, at that point, it felt like I couldn’t talk to him, but talking to her was easier.

The truth is that no two parents can have the same parenting style.

Every individual has their own beliefs and approaches when it comes to raising children.

While some differences can be easily reconciled, others may cause serious disagreements.

In Nigeria, it isn’t against the law for a parent to spank a disobedient child.

Some people feel like it shouldn’t be allowed.

Others feel like as long as the correction is moderate and done in love, it is not a problem.

A marriage between two people from these different schools of thought could bring about many issues.

Especially if they didn’t agree about parenting styles before getting married.

My uncle and his wife had a big fight just because of this.

His wife is a disciplinarian who doesn’t hesitate to punish the kids, but my uncle doesn’t like the kids being punished.

The ruckus caused by this was so much that other people had to interfere for peace to reign.

When parents have different parenting styles, their contrasting styles can lead to frequent conflicts.

Without proper communication and compromises on both sides, these disagreements can drive a wedge between couples.

The best thing to do is to always find a middle ground.

If you don’t like your partner disciplining the kids, you can’t ask them to stop outrightly.

What you can do is find more lenient ways of teaching the kids discipline.

It’s not so hard.

Try this instead of the usual bluster.

4. Financial strain

Raising children is expensive.

From medical bills to education costs, the financial pressure can be unbearable.

Growing up, I had classmates who hardly ever saw their parents because they left the house very early and came back late at night every day.

I would like to think that the parents did all these things just to earn a living and provide for their families.

But I can imagine the toll such a lifestyle takes on the parents.

First, it is not a healthy way to live.

Then, there is also the fact that they hardly ever spend time with the children they are providing for.

We can also consider what this kind of schedule does to a relationship.

There is barely time to even talk about the most basic things couples should talk about.

The only thing they talk about frequently is paying the bills.

Money problems are one of the leading causes of stress in relationships.

When the focus shifts from enjoying each other’s company to worrying about bills and expenses, the romantic bond can weaken.

So, what do I advise couples to do even after having children?

Never let your life be so filled up with tasks that you have no time for your partner.

Take time out to talk about other things.

Your life shouldn’t be centered on paying bills and worrying about finances.

It’s not healthy for you, your children, and your marriage.

5. Loss of identity

This happens especially with new mothers.

Many parents may experience a loss of identity after having a child.

This loss of identity doesn’t mean forgetting their names or that type of stuff.

What it means is that they seem to forget any form of personal goals they used to have.

They now feel like their whole existence revolves around taking care of their children.

There is so little room left for personal aspirations and self-care.

In Yoruba land, they call parents by the name of their first child.

So, you see a woman called “Mama Yetunde,” which means mother of Yetunde, her daughter’s name.

Regardless of what she used to be called before, everyone calls her by the child’s name.

The same thing happens to the male.

Sometimes, the loss of identity is more than just a name.

It feels like everything has changed, and you can’t do those things that used to matter to you.

While many people consider it just one of the sacrifices parents make for their children, it can lead to feelings of resentment in some people.

This feeling of resentment and frustration can spill over into the relationship, causing unnecessary conflicts and tension.

6. Lack of meaningful communication

Communication is more than just saying something to somebody.

It involves the recipient understanding what is being said.

Most couples can attest to the fact that they had better and more meaningful conversations before parenthood.

This is because they had fewer responsibilities and could take time off to just communicate with each other.

You don’t take time off from parenthood.

With the responsibilities of parenthood, meaningful conversations become rarer.

It feels like every time you talk to your partner, you are talking about logistics and schedules.

“Who is going to pick up the kids from school?”

“Who is taking them for piano lessons?”

“I will be free around 4 pm to watch the baseball game.”

It leaves little room for emotional connection.

Without meaningful conversations, partners will end up feeling unheard and isolated.

It may be hard, but there has to be a way around it.

Parents have to find time to connect with each other.

Do something spontaneous.

Take a walk with the kids.

Get a good and trusted nanny while you and your partner go away for a few hours to yourself.

The truth is that without these moments of quality time together, you may just find that parenting is separating you and your partner.

7. Unresolved issues

Couples have conflicts.

It is normal.

What’s abnormal is not trying to resolve your conflicts effectively.

Many couples are like this.

They bury conflicts instead of resolving them.

Any unresolved issues or underlying conflicts in the relationship can become magnified after having children.

The stress and pressure of parenthood can bring these problems to the surface, making them harder to ignore.

When you don’t address issues, they fester and can contribute to the ever-increasing gulf between partners.

Ultimately, kids are blessings.

They are bundles of joy.

However, if couples are not intentional about their relationship, they may find themselves growing apart after kids.

What couples can do to prevent this is they must be intentional about spending quality time together.

Talk to each other about the kids and responsibilities, and discuss your feelings and emotions too.

Do something memorable with your partner.

Most importantly, resolve every conflict immediately.

Growing apart after the children arrive isn’t a sign of failure—it’s a sign that your relationship is evolving.

The key is to recognize the drift and take steps to bridge the gap because, at the end of the day, a successful marriage isn’t just a gift to yourselves; it’s a gift to your children.

They’re watching and learning what love looks like from your relationship.

And isn’t that worth fighting for?

So, to all the parents out there feeling the strain: you’re not alone.

The journey is beautiful and challenging.

But with more intentionality and lots of love, you can find your way back to each other—and maybe even discover something deeper than you imagined.