7 Signs He’s Staying for the Kids, Not for You - Olubunmi Mabel
When wise women are dating, they don’t just look out for men who would make good husbands; they also want men who would make good fathers.
That’s if they want kids.
These days, more and more women are choosing not to have children.
However, for women who want to start a family, finding a partner who is also ready and willing to be a father is crucial.
After all, what’s the point of getting married to a man who would make parenting hell for you?
So it’s adorable to have a husband who’s all in with the kids—making their lunches, helping with homework, spending time with them, and cheering at their soccer games like he’s their biggest fan.
As a mom of two young kids, I know having a supportive co-parent by your side is a big deal.
But what if you’re starting to wonder if he’s staying in the marriage because he genuinely loves you or if he’s sticking around to keep the family unit intact for the kids’ sake?
This isn’t an easy question to ask, but if it’s popping into your head, then maybe it’s time to explore the signs (which you’ve likely been noticing anyway).
7 Signs He’s Staying for the Kids, Not for You
1. You Can Feel The Emotional Distance
Parenting together is fun, but there’s more to marriage than packing lunches, driving kids to soccer practice, or whatever it is you guys do together as co-parents.
Yeah, it’s adorable how he shows up for the kids, but what about that connection between you?
Remember how you used to spend hours talking about anything and everything?
Name it.
Your dreams, past, fears, gossip about the neighbors, or even which Netflix show to binge next?
If, now, the moment your little ones are out of earshot, the conversation turns into awkward silences or forced small talk, something is definitely off.
He’s only energetic and chatty when the kids are around, but the second you try to share something personal, he gives you that distant, zoned-out look.
You know?
It seems he’s reserving his emotional energy solely for the kids or even putting up appearances for them.
When it’s just the two of you, he’s quieter, more withdrawn, and less likely to engage in heart-to-heart conversations.
He only perks up when the kids are in the room, happily discussing their day or making jokes with them.
It’s almost like he’s a completely different person around the kids, and sometimes, it makes you wonder if you even know him at all.
It feels like you’ve lost what once made you feel close to him.
Now you are wondering whether he’s actually there to build a life with you—or just filling the “Dad” role for the kids.
Since he’s more interested in what’s on the family calendar than what’s on your mind.
Not an experience I’d wish for my archenemy.
I don’t just want the best dad for my kids; I want my best friend, too.
2. Intimacy Feels Forced or Nonexistent
I was sharing with my husband some days ago about how marriage offers the highest level of intimacy any human relationship can achieve—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
You know, that feeling of truly seeing and knowing each other.
But what if now, when you try to be close, it feels like you’re forcing a hug on someone who can’t wait to wriggle free?
That’s not a great vibe.
No one likes to be rejected, feeling like you’re not wanted.
So, if he’s barely making eye contact, turning away in bed, shows no enthusiasm for date nights, avoids any situation that might bring closeness, even sex feels like a chore for him….
I don’t blame you for questioning what’s changed.
Sure, some weeks are busier than others, and everyone has off days, but if the warmth and chemistry that once bonded you two has suddenly vanished, it’s enough to worry.
How will you know if he’s staying for the kids and not for you?
He pretends to be intimate with you when the kids are around.
He might kiss you and put an arm around your waist when the kids are present, but as soon as they’re gone, he’s back to being distant.
3. The Focus Is Always on the Kids
Yes, it’s wonderful that he’s involved with the children.
It’s heart-melting to see him light up while talking about their report cards, soccer goals, hospital appointments, or school play.
But if your conversations revolve exclusively around who’s picking up whom, which parent-teacher conference is next, their grades, their bedtime, their weekend plans, or what’s on the kids’ dinner menu, you might start to feel like you’ve been relegated to the role of co-manager in a child-centered enterprise.
When was the last time he genuinely asked about your day, your feelings, or your work?
When?
It’s completely normal for life with children to be full and busy.
I know kids take up a lot of time and attention.
I’ve got two.
But your relationship is supposed to be the foundation on which your family thrives.
A happy marriage needs room to grow and thrive outside of parenting duties.
So if he’s only focused on the welfare of the kids and doesn’t care about your marriage, he might just be there for the kids.
4. Your Future Plans Don’t Include ‘You and Him’—Just the Kids
When couples plan the future, they usually dream about personal adventures, couple goals, and activities they can enjoy long after the kids have grown up.
Because, let’s get real here- the kids will grow up and leave.
Hello, empty nest syndrome!
But if he talks about the future as if the kids are the only factor—where they’ll go to school, what car you’ll buy to accommodate their schedules, what happens when they go off to college—and never mentions getting closer as a couple, that’s telling.
Instead of focusing on how you two will evolve and support each other later in life, he’s fixated on being there until the kids reach a certain milestone.
It’s as if his timeline ends when they become independent, leaving you uncertain where you stand in his life after that point.
He might have a different plan in mind.
5. He Avoids Relationship Check-Ins
Couples who are intentional about their marriage generally take time to check in.
They ask, “How are we doing?” or “Is there something we need to talk about?”
Some couples even go on a date or weekend getaways to do this check-in.
All to strengthen their bond and address any issues that may arise.
If he dodges these questions or gets annoyed whenever you bring up the state of your marriage, it’s obvious he’s not interested in maintaining or improving your bond.
He may treat any attempt at honesty or reflection as an unnecessary hassle.
This resistance often comes from not wanting to confront the reality that he’s not emotionally engaged in your marriage.
And would rather coast along for the kids’ sake than face the hard truth of what you need from him.
6. He Has No Problem Living Separate Lives Under the Same Roof
What’s the point of living under the same roof if it feels like you’re both existing in totally different worlds?
Sure, everyone needs personal space.
Maybe he’s into gaming, and you’re into reading.
But when your day-to-day lives barely overlap, it’s like you’re just two people who happen to share a mailbox.
You might notice that outside of coordinating the kids’ schedules, your paths rarely cross.
He’s off doing his own thing while you’re left to handle your side of life, almost as if you’re roommates who rarely have a reason to hang out.
When you can’t remember the last time you bonded over something that didn’t involve the kids, it’s a heavy hint that he might be sticking around just for them.
7. Your Gut Tells You Something’s Off
Our instincts, especially as women, are often more honest than we give them credit for.
You know that uneasy feeling you can’t quite put your finger on?
The one that whispers, “Something’s not right,” even when everything seems fine?
It’s time to trust that voice.
You’re not being paranoid or dramatic, sis.
When you share a home and a life with someone, you pick up on the subtle shifts because you know them better and you know how things used to be between you.
So you are not crazy.
If your heart sinks every time you think about your relationship, or if you find yourself making excuses for his lack of effort, pause and ask yourself why.
You may already know the truth: he’s not fully there with you; he’s just going through the motions to keep the family image intact because of the kids.
Give yourself permission to acknowledge these feelings.
Don’t brush them off as “just a phase” or blame yourself for being “too sensitive.”
Your instincts are a form of inner wisdom, guiding you toward what’s real.
If your gut keeps nudging you, don’t ignore it.
Instead, listen, reflect, and consider having an honest conversation about what’s going on. Sometimes facing the truth is the first step toward finding a solution—or at the very least, finding the clarity and peace of mind you deserve.
So, what can you do if these signs are hitting a nerve?
First, know you’re not crazy for wanting a partner who’s truly present for you and not just for the kids.
This is your life and your happiness we’re talking about.
You’re not asking for too much.
Consider talking to him about your feelings.
Start gently, share what you’ve noticed, and see if he’s willing to engage.
Be honest about your feelings without throwing accusations his way.
If he’s unwilling to talk, consider seeking help from a therapist, counselor, a trusted friend, or a family member who can create a safe space for both of you to express your truths.
And if it turns out he’s really only staying for the kids, know that you deserve more than that.
While the kids are an amazing part of your lives, you deserve someone who wants to be there for you—heart, mind, and soul—not just the children you share.
You’re allowed to crave that kind of love, and you’re allowed to take steps to find it.
I’m rooting for you!
