Low Standards, Low Expectations, And Too Much Tolerance, Part 1 - Impacting Righteously
Infidelity, disrespect, dishonesty, laziness, violence from their partner, deadbeat dads…why have so many women been so overly tolerant in relationships with their men?
For one, women have been taught through social conditioning to put up with it. It is important to acknowledge that there are some nice men still out there. Regardless, some ladies have not been equipped to choose wisely, and have taken coinciding actions in their relationships with men.
Some women choose to be with men who are not good to them or for them. Somehow, the idea that it is more important for women to behave than for men to behave seems to have influenced society throughout history, and this idea and the application of it is not supported by God’s word.
Double standards and wrong conditioning influence women’s behavior and their judgment when it comes to their relationships with men.
No where in the Bible does it indicate it is more important for a woman to live righteously than for a man to live righteously. This biased mentality is within some churches too. It is preached from the pulpits in certain religious groups and cults. This ideology was perpetrated by certain men, and affirmed and sustained by society.
It has caused women to have lower expectations for men than they should have. This perspective has helped people to continually ignore or downplay the bad behavior of many men. There are a variety of other reasons women tend to be too tolerant of men misbehaving as well.
Women have been deceived into believing we should have lower expectations and standards for men than for women. Girls and women have been influenced by societal and familial double standards, along with false religious teachings.
Here are some other common reasons women settle for the wrong men and tolerate unhealthy relationships:
Ignorance – Sometimes, women are not taught any better, don’t know any better, so they don’t expect better from men.
Low self esteem- For various reasons, sometimes, a woman does not feel good about herself and relies heavily on relationships with men for feelings of validation and worthiness. She sticks it out in an unhealthy relationship, being happy that she has a man.
Low standards– Some women simply do not require of men what they should require. A reason for this is because society has had certain allowances and standards for men that cause women’s expectations of men to be rather low.
Idolatry – Women typically long for love and relationship, and some do not prioritize and keep God first. They seek men above God, to satisfy their longings.
Self loathing– Some women do not love or even like themselves, or they may even hate themselves. They may believe they do not deserve to be loved and cherished. Instead of seeking real healing, they seek approval from men and relationships. These types of women are sometimes willing to remain in abusive and otherwise unhealthy relationships.
Loneliness– Sometimes, loneliness causes women to become co-dependent. These types of women need their man in an unhealthy way, and may feel as if they absolutely cannot be without a man.
Desperation– Many women become desperate, drop their standards, and consequently settle for less.
Self-blame- It is common for women to blame themselves, even when they are not at fault.
I have slipped into this particular pattern before. I blamed myself when I shouldn’t have. I believe this is because women are conditioned to have lower expectations for men, while being pressured and held to a higher standard as women.
Particularly, in their relationships with men when something goes wrong, it is not uncommon for women to automatically blame themselves. It is common for some men to automatically blame their women.
In her relationship, a woman’s man may do something wrong, and spin the facts, helping her to believe she is at fault so that she blames herself. Sometimes, she believes him, seeks to change herself, and stays with him.
Fear– Sadly, some women are in a relationship with a man they are afraid of. They would rather not risk personal harm by leaving him, but stay, in hopes to keep him appeased. They may also fear the unknown of stepping out and being alone after having been involved with a man for a season.
Soul ties– Probably in most, if not all cases, soul ties play a factor in why a woman cannot leave an unhealthy relationship. She knows in theory that the relationship is not good for her.
She knows she is tired of having to deal with him and to get out would be far better for her, but she can’t remove herself from the situation. If she does remove herself, sometimes she goes right back to him.
Lacking resources to be independent- Some women feel stuck, because they do not have the finances and ability to pick up and leave.
Please note that none of these are good or healthy reasons to stay in an abusive or otherwise unhealthy relationship.
For so long, many men and women have not required men to do better when it comes to certain character flaws (such as infidelity, anger, impulse control, poor relationship skills with others, especially with women).
The supply of men who have self-awareness and a willingness to change is in severe deficit.
No matter how these types of men have behaved, they have been able to get whatever they wanted from women, and live however they want to live, while suffering few, if any consequences.
Women are not responsible for their man’s behavior, but they are responsible for putting up with it. These problems are certainly not something that can be fixed with human effort, and it will not be fixed overnight. It will take supernatural transformation in the heart of a man or woman to change their ways.
When a man has not been trained properly during his childhood, or held accountable by his parents and others, there should be accountability in the present. A pastor or a mature, godly friend could help. An accountability partner who can serve as a mentor for him is a healthy, good influence and source.
A woman cannot change a man, but she can influence him greatly.
• A woman influences a man by holding him accountable to righteousness.
• A woman influences a man based on what she puts up with, and what she disallows.
• Ideally, the majority of women around the world should withold themselves from men who don’t measure up to right standards. Why reward his bad behavior?
• He has no incentive to change if he can act up and still get all the women he wants, and get everything he wants from them.
It is not up to a woman to take a man on as her project to try to fix and patch him up. A woman can greatly assist however, by 100% rejecting any foul behavior, and being a good example to him. She ought to set and keep high standards. If every woman did this, the men who need to, would shape up. Why?
Men would realize they have two options: get right, or get lost and go without a woman. When it comes down to these two options, by far, the majority of men would realize that they have to get right. Men are wired by God to desire and pursue women, so for that reason, going without a woman is not an option for most!
There are exceptions…not every man desires women.
There are men who may devote their life to God without dealing with women in relationships, but these types of men are rare.
Also, there are other exceptions, who are men that experience sexual confusion, sex perversion, or have other preferences. They aren’t interested in women for those reasons.
To complicate things, even though there are men who go against God’s natural design for a man and a woman in marriage and in intimacy, these men may fraudulently pursue and even marry a woman, just to appear to be conventional.
This is actually quite common. It is cruel, dangerous, selfish, and destructive. Unfortunately, some women are so bent on getting into and staying in a relationship, that they ignore red flags in these situations.
It is important that a woman lives life prayerfully and carefully, to avoid the numerous schemes and traps.
Many women have not been properly prepared and equipped to handle the hardships of life, including their relationships with men. Plenty women have been failed beginning in childhood, not only within their homes, but by society in general.
No one is perfect, including parents. However, I’m seeing a pattern of girls being discriminated against by their parents, and held to higher standards than boys. The relevance of this is that the resulting negative repercussions on society are nasty.
The double standards set the tone for dysfunctional relationships which affect society overall. God’s will is not being done in these situations.
How can women rise above all these issues?
1) First, to live in truth will be freeing and healing for a woman.
God protects. A woman’s priority is her relationship with God, and the truth is God’s infallible Word.
– She can study the word of God and develop a consistent and fervent prayer life.
– If she knows the word of God, then she knows what is right and wrong, and will know what God requires of both men and women.
– Even in a society where people have deviated so far from the truth, those who have the truth will know error, because they know the truth of God’s word.
– This is of the utmost importance: If we know the Bible, then we know when society’s pressures and influences are ungodly and should be rejected. We should apply our Bible knowledge to our relationships.
2) A woman needs to know her worth. Then she will not settle for the man who doesn’t value her.
3) It is also important to attend a church that teaches God’s unadulterated truth, worship there, and serve others.
– True friendship is not easy to find, but a woman should have godly friendships. A support system is important.
God knows how to bring people together, including in godly friendships. I will acknowledge that based on my own personal experiences, it is not easy to find true friends-in particular, godly friends.
– As the saying goes, the best way to have friends is to be a friend. We should aim to serve and be a blessing to others. “A man that hath friends must show himself friendly- and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.” Proverbs 18: 24.
– Jesus is the best and closest friend one can have. We also need friendships with people. Healthy friendships provide support, encouragement, accountability, and other benefits.
Stop the hate, the cattiness, the unhealthy competition with other girls or women.
-Women should love, support and encourage one another. We are called to love other people, following the example God shows us, since He loves us. Loving one another shows the world that we are disciples of Jesus Christ (John 13: 35).
– Women have a unique plight because of chauvinism, violence against women, objectification, sexual assault, exploitation, workforce discrimination, etc.
– Not every woman will be affected by all of these harmful things, but all women are impacted in some way, somehow.
-Women have enough to cope with, without tearing each other down, and competing with one another in an unhealthy way. Women benefit from each other’s love and support.
4) Accountability. Finally, Christian women must hold themselves and others in their life, including their man, accountable to the standards found in God’s word.
– This means setting righteous standards and boundaries.
– Men or women were not created to be abused, denigrated, or mistreated in any way.
– People should walk in love, in truth, and should set healthy, holy standards for how they treat others. Healthy boundaries should be set for how we allow others to treat us as well.
