My Brain is Plotting Against Me…the Traitor! - The DV Walking Wounded:
Cartoon brain dancing dab. Isolated character brain the dancing quirky for hype. Vector illustration in flat style.
No, I am not paranoid! However, if someone commits me that 72-hold might just be the vacation I am needing currently…seriously…I could get maybe 3 or 4 books read in that time…I hope they allow Kindles, but I’m not opposed to regular books.
In all seriousness, my C-PTSD really plays tricks on me sometimes…
I have been out of active domestic abuse for seven years now; however, I still get triggered. I go into flight mode sometimes, to remove myself from the situation (avoidance). I have trouble focusing at work. I have trouble remembering simple things that I need to do or get at the store, which causes turmoil.
Recently, I had to leave and go break up a late-night fight between my adult children. When I got back my boyfriend had accidentally locked the bedroom door when he went to bedk which can be accomplished by turning the door nob in the opposite way. When I returned, already amped up by the disagreement between my adult kids, I discovered the locked bedroom door and it triggered me. I froze and contemplated what to do. I started toward the couch, thinking that I needed to make it up for me to sleep on — then, I snapped out of it! I grabbed a quarter out of my purse and unlocked the door. I got into bed and tried to fall asleep. It took me 45 minutes before I was able to do so.
So, why was I triggered? Because I had been locked out of my own bedroom SO many times before in the past, by my Abuser. It was a power play. I knew my boyfriend wouldn’t do me that way, so I did ask him the next morning about it.
“I did?” he asked, surprised.
“Are you upset with me? Did you mean to? If you are, we need to talk about it,” was my reply.
He apologized. I went on to explain that it triggered me and I almost panicked over it. I stated that I was proud of myself for NOT panicking and thinking about what I needed to do. I told him it wasn’t a big deal and I suspected it was accidental. I just explained that I wanted him to know.
Then, after assuring me the whole incident was accidental, he said, “You really need to stop letting things trigger you. You should get over it. You’re safe and have been for a long while.”
You know, that made me pause in thought. I wish I could just get over it. Wouldn’t that be lovely? I’d love to pay a little extra to a therapist that could flip it off, like a light switch.
“There you are, Laura,” they’d say. “I’ve turned off the Complex PTSD and you can go on living a normal and productive life. No more overthinking or sabotaging yourself. No more crying and raging. Have a nice day! That’ll be $5000.” I’d gladly pay it if that were even possible. It’s not…weeeeeell, it is but it’s called a lobotomy and I’m NOT doing that.
I had to pause, and smile, and pat my boyfriend’s hand and say, “I’m glad you don’t understand. I’m healing and doing the best I can. I can’t turn it off. Wish I could. Thank you for being my rock and for being gentle and kind. I love you for that.” I stood up and kissed him and went into the house for a good solid hour of reading, launching into another full hour of writing. This. THIS is my balm to soothe my irritated and conflicted mind. I can tell I’m growing and healing!
Just to show how my dark, creative thinking goes: I saw a newly harvested field here in rural Indiana, as I was driving back home today. There were individual crows out in the field, I assume getting worms stirred up by the process. I saw one lower his head and skulk toward a group of three crows that had come together…I’m not sure, but I think I just witnessed an attempted murder…
I still think my brain is conspiring against me…she keeps me up at night with the dumbest questions, like: “do penguins have knees?”, “can God make a boulder so big even He cannot lift it?” and finally, “why is a raven like a writing desk?” I mean, really? Where is that damned light switch???? A girl’s gotta sleep!
