Put Him in His Place!
One of the deepest needs in a man’s life is the need for respect. Appreciation, admiration, adulation—take your pick; the typical man will be glad to have any or all of that.
Perhaps this is so because in the highly competitive world where men exist, criticism and self-doubt are the venue of the day. Even when men are succeeding, they can still identify with Prime Minister Disraeli’s sentiment, “I’ve climbed to the top of a greasy pole.”
A Man's Need for Respect
Not every husband comes home at night brimming with confidence. Why, even the best of men have experienced their share of ego-shattering frustrations. Dr. John Drakeford, the founder of integrity therapy, gives this account of Michelangelo.
As a youth he lived in the home of the Medicis, working as an apprentice in their garden of sculpture. But following the death of Lorenzo the Magnificent, the sculpture school was abandoned.
Piero deMedici, the sorry son of a noble father, now occupied the seat of power, and as there was bad blood between him and Michelangelo, the embryonic sculptor rapidly lost hope of getting enough practice to develop the skills that would make him a master craftsman.
Then came the summons from Piero, and Michelangelo, full of hope that at last his fortunes had turned and his opportunity had come, hurried to the castle, only to discover to his chagrin that the commission was to carve a snowman to please the whim of the children.
So he who loved the firm, solid marble spent his energies building a snowman that melted away as he worked.1
Talk about being unappreciated! How marginalized Michelangelo must have felt to see his genius melting away like that!
In such a world, praise becomes an oasis in a wilderness of self-doubt. How heart-hungry a husband can be for a reaffirmation of his worth!
In his book, What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women, James Dobson says, “Let’s reduce it to a useful oversimplification: men derive self-esteem from being respected.… ”2 William James, a keen student of human behavior, said that respect represents man’s deepest desire.
The Evolving Definition of Headship
Prior to the fall, you will recall, there was no instruction given indicating that Adam was the head honcho, the ruler of the roost, the main man in charge.
Woman was not taken from man’s head or foot, suggesting superiority or inferiority. She was taken from his side, indicating equality.
At the time this great miracle occurred, there was no indication of any attitude emanating from Adam that conveyed condescension. Instead, with a scarcely contained excitement, he seemed to have regarded Eve as a “Prime Rib Special.”
After the fall, however, this situation certainly changed. In response to the independent spirit Eve displayed (that set into motion a defeat of the entire human race), God informed Adam that he was to rule his wife.
When we come to Ephesians 5, however, we see a further evolving of the headship concept. According to this chapter, women are still to submit, but—this is so important to see—men aren’t told to rule; they’re told to love.
The Struggle with Submission
The reason many women fear this concept of submission is because of what they suspect is lurking behind it.
They don’t want to be reduced to the old Japanese view of women—where, with the clasping of the hands, the wife suddenly appears, receives her orders, and then with body bowing, shuffles out of the room backward, ever so grateful to do her husband’s bidding.
In the Broadway musical, “The King And I,” Anna mocks this kind of treatment of women when she sings this song to her Siamese women friends:
“Toads! Toads! All of you women are toads! Yes, your majesty; No, your majesty; Tell us how low to go, your majesty. Give us a kick if you would, your majesty. Give us a kick if you please, your majesty.” And then in mock pleasure she adds, “Oh! That was good, your majesty!”
Of course, no one is espousing anything like that!
It should be pointed out that Ephesians 5 first talks about the Spirit’s filling and then it talks about the wife’s submitting. One empowers the other and is critical to its success.
The submitting the wife is to do isn’t to be a coerced arrangement, reluctantly undertaken. Instead, it is to be “unto the Lord.”
Ever grateful to the Lord (because she knows that God’s will is good and that His resources are sufficient), she is to voluntarily support her husband in every way she can.
Her first motive in doing this will be to please God; it’s just that her fortunate husband will be getting the benefit of the overflow.
A very common problem encountered in many marriages—one that can sabotage submission—is that of a wife trying too hard to change her husband.
At the time she married him, she just assumed in her sentimental optimism that his not-so-good-points would be altered after marriage.
When this didn’t happen as she had hoped, she, in time, took it upon herself to make it happen. She began to persuade and even pressure her husband to make these changes.
Some wives will do it aggressively; others will do it in a more coy and cagey manner.
This tempts a husband to adopt the cynical view: that marriage is like an arrest—everything you say can and will be used against you.
Even in the Old Testament we see a husband’s resentment to marital dynamics like that. Proverbs 21:9 says, “It is better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.”
Proverbs 21:19 says, “It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.” So he's moved out: from roof to wilderness!
Be clear on this. The Bible says that the wife is to be fit for her husband and not that she is to give him fits!
Dennis Rainey addresses this issue in a very humorous way. He writes:
There is a story of a man who died and arrived at heaven to find two signs above two different lines. At the head of one line the sign said: “All Those Men Who Have Been Dominated By Their Wives, Stand Here.” That line seemed to stretch off into the clouds into infinity.
Off to the side he saw a second sign: “All Those Who Have Never Been Dominated by Their Wives, Stand Here.” Under that sign stood only one man.
He went over to the man, grabbed his arm and asked, “What’s the secret? How did you do it? That other line has millions of men and you’re the only one standing in this line.”
The man looked around with a puzzled expression and said, “Why, I’m not sure I know. My wife just told me to stand here.”3
Amusing! But over time, a wife will detest her husband if he lets her dominate.
True, she doesn’t want to be dominated, either. What she really wants from her husband is a confident, wise, and gentle leadership.
Unfortunately, husbands contribute to this problem when they want to be sons to their wives and not husbands.
The Solution for Submission
Perhaps the most important thing that a wife can then do is to simply believe in her husband. When I Corinthians 13:7 says that love believes all things, it doesn’t mean that love is naive or deluded.
The basis for believing in her husband is knowing that as a Christian he has a new nature. This new nature is love, joy, peace, patience and all the other parts of the recreated spirit’s fruit. Therefore, whenever there is a gap between what she sees and what God says, she will rivet her attention upon what God says.
Then, whenever the opportunity presents itself, she, in a non-manipulative but very encouraging way, will verbalize to her husband these very positive thoughts about what she knows is in him.
What an extraordinarily powerful thing to do! Something hardly ever tried! And because this isn’t vain flattery or a fluffy, puffy positivism that has no foundation in the truth, this is hardly a gimmick.
Here the wife can stand with complete confidence, knowing that all she could hope for and more is already inside her husband.
This new nature, the very life of Jesus inside us, provides reasons and resources for the giving and receiving of respect.
The husband will then discover—in the Lord’s timing, in the Lord’s way—that he prefers his wife’s view of him more than his own view. Therefore, enamored by that view—indeed enticed by it and drawn by it—he will exhibit qualities he had not done before.
What a far better way—than what a misguided frustration tried to do—to put a husband in his place!
Almost totally ignored by Christians is that the best way to reverse the marital meltdown from sizzle to fizzle is to activate the true heart of marriage, the new nature.
Notes:
1. John Drakeford, How to Manipulate Your Mate, (Nashville, New York: Thomas Nelson Inc., 1974), p.22.
2. James Dobson, What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women, (Wheaton, Tyndale House Publishers, 1980), p.64.
3. Dennis Rainey, Lonely Husbands, Lonely Wives, (Dallas, London, Sydney, Singapore, Word Publishing, 1989), p.139.
