Overcoming Divorce Shame: Part II
In my previous post, I explored the causes of feeling shamed by one's divorce. Here are some strategies for overcoming divorce shame.
- Surround yourself with people who want to support you. For me it was a mix of family, a divorce recovery group, and new friends I found through a Christian singles group. Search for a non-judgmental faith community.
- Be willing to accept where you failed in your marriage, but don’t obsess about it. In and article for "Psychology Today," John Amodeo, Ph.D wrote, “Differentiate toxic shame from healthy, friendly shame. Recognizing the toxic shame that holds us back from being and affirming ourselves is a helpful step towards reducing it. Noticing healthy shame that informs us when we’re violating another’s boundaries and dignity can attune us to how we’re affecting people.” Understand you are learning and growing and becoming a better person from your experience. You are not defined by your past mistakes.
- Be open to self-compassion, recognizing and accepting your wounds. Don’t expect to make a quick recovery. You’re probably experiencing many changes since the divorce and need time to adjust. There may be days you feel paralyzed, and that’s normal.
- You may think you’ve conquered shame, only to have it show up again. If you can’t seem to let it go, make an appointment with your counselor. Believe it or not, simply by acknowledging you need help is progress.
- Be bold in finding the right professional with whom to talk. Be an advocate for yourself, and insist on finding someone who is right for you. I quickly discovered my first post-divorce counselor didn’t understand my faith issues. Once I was able to articulate what I needed, it was easier to find a counselor who suited me.
- Make an inventory of your worth and achievements. If you have trouble getting started, pretend you are your own best friend. What kind things can you tell her you see in her.
- Bring your shame to Jesus. He understands shame, having been mocked, spat upon, and finally allowing Himself to be killed. His Word reassures us of our worth (read Romans 8:1). If you are aware of any wrongdoing on your part, bring those to Him and He'll forgive you, releasing you from your shame.
If you've been suffering from divorce shame, I pray these suggestions will lift your spirits, and that you'll be able to move beyond shame into the light.
Blessings,
Linda M. Kurth is a writer and a divorced and remarried Christian. In going through the divorce, she experienced a dichotomy of responses from the Christian community. After sharing some of those experiences in her upcoming memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce, she's heard many stories of divorced Christians who have struggled with the same issues. Linda advocates for the healing of divorce Christians, She invites them to tell their stories with the goal of encouraging churches to resist condemnation of divorced people and become a source of healing and grace.
Do you have a divorce experience to share? Have you been shamed by a church because of your divorce? Or encouraged? There are hurting people who would like to hear your story, who need to know they are not alone, and who need to be encouraged. If you are interested in sharing your story, email Linda for guidelines: Linda@LindaMKurth.com
