Stop Settling for Pain and Misery. Choose Love!

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There are still people out there who show love, kindness and generosity to others. Their light seems more and more bright as the rest of the world becomes darker. We live in a world where plenty others operate out of hatred. This post will address what I am seeing around me- increasing hate against women inside and outside of the churches.

For this reason, dating and relationships are more difficult than ever. Especially, for women. The reason things tend to be more difficult in this regard for certain women is because some women depend unhealthily on relationships a lot more than men do.

A lot of women’s difficulties are self-inflicted. I’m talking about in the free world. Not in countries where women are heavily oppressed. In the free world, some women still allow a lot of problems in their lives, just to keep a man around. I’m not trying to be insensitive. Too many women suffer a lot unnecessarily and I hate this fact. Their lives are a lot harder than what God intended.

Women historically have been willing to put up more with nonsense and problematic relationships. This causes a lot more difficulty than what is necessary in their lives. Part of the reason for this is unfair pressure on women from various sources. Some of that pressure is from toxic influencers who make derogatory comments about women’s ages and their statuses as single women after a certain age. More on that later.

One thing that will help certain women is if they understand that they don’t have to be in a relationship all the time. Ladies must learn contentment, regardless of whether they are in a relationship or not. They must avoid falling into the snare of manipulation of others who have convinced women throughout history that their value is dependent upon being married with children. This pressure causes a lot of women to settle.

It is better to be in a healthy relationship if one so desires and pair up with a loving and faithful man. Otherwise, it simply isn’t worth it. The problem is that there is a big deficit of integrous men. There are women who don’t seem to understand how to be single, so they live miserable lives with their toxic men. They are willing to do so in order to avoid being single. This is why I say relationships are especially difficult for women – at least for those women.

These particular women are more likely to be in an unhealthy relationship and to remain in an unhealthy one. Life is hard enough! Why make it harder than it has to be? But so many women have been willing to do this, just to have a man. I do understand that some women are in complicated situations where they have moved in with a boyfriend and depend on splitting the rent, or they have children with him and they feel it is worth it to stay for the sake of the children. Still, it is not worth it.

Also, there is also a lot of toxic influence spreading rapidly, thanks to social media. In fact, thanks in particular to various influencers out there, hate between the genders seems to be on the rise. As women and girls breeze through life, still dreaming of men and love, they should remain aware and be educated about the hatred some men feel for women in general.

Some women are not warned appropriately about these things before they start dating or get married. Not surprisingly, their father would be a great person to help them in advance in this regard! But do most women start out truly knowing what is out there lurking in the real world? No. However, I believe many are learning later through their hardships.

I think that there is still not sufficient, proactive conversation or obtained knowledge for young women on these issues. While some girls and women fantasize about being in a relationship, they should understand that many of the women who are in one are absolutely miserable, because they have settled for a man who is not good to them or good for them.

Those ladies who stay in such a situation likely believe it is better than not having a man at all. That’s what they have been taught. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to make my life harder than it needs to be. I am on a journey of healing. I feel pretty content too! Like many women are already doing, I will disrupt these things I have going for myself if I choose to be with the wrong man.

I want to see other people healing too. I desire for men and women, boys and girls to be safe in their relationships. I desire to see men and women have loving and respectful relationships. This is God’s will. Because it is God’s will for people to have loving relationships that glorify Him, we see instead, all of the hatred, violence and mistreatment between people. This is due to demonic influence. Satan’s will opposes God’s will. Women are particularly vulnerable. People perish for lack of knowledge also.

Women should prioritize knowledge. This will help them to have better judgment when it comes to dealing with men.

Young (or older), inexperienced Christian (or non-Christian) women would benefit from actually knowing what kind of a man they should be with. Some just don’t know. They did not grow up witnessing a healthy dynamic between their father and mother. Perhaps, their mother had boyfriends and a volatile relationship with them, but she put up with it.

Maybe their parents were married, but did not have a healthy marriage and they saw it as normal. Lots of women have friends who are in very unhealthy and dangerous relationships. Again, they may see this as normal. Toxic relationships may be typical, but they are not normal. So how will women know how they should be treated?

For one, by reading and understanding the Bible. Bible knowledge is crucial. Yet, our circumstances tend to be one of our most impactful teachers. However, I know my experiences and circumstances are not the blueprint that I should be guided by. The Bible is the source of all truth.

For those who are not Christians, hopefully they have healthy self-love, some good examples and will use their common sense to help guide them as well. Regardless of whether she is a Christian or not, a woman is typically very intuitive. This is a blessing. She should not ignore her intuition in order to have a boyfriend or husband who is not good for her.

Christian women and girls benefit from being armed with Bible truth and also being armed with the knowledge that some men who call themselves Christians are VERY problematic men.

The Bible does not start at Ephesians 5: 22 and end at Ephesians 5: 24. These verses are very important. However, some men and women are captivated with and fixated almost solely on these verses. Many Christians were raised in an environment where this is how submission is taught within churches and homes. A much bigger emphasis is placed on a woman’s submission while omitting the man’s submission (Ephesians 5: 21).

A woman’s submission is taught as if it is the greater sacrifice, as if it is the prime focus and responsible factor for the wellness of a marriage. Yet, the Bible is clear that the husband is the one who has the greater responsibility in leadership as the head; to love his wife, even as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it.

In some homes and churches, the wife is taught to basically be the martyr for the husband. Yet, Christ is the one who died for the church. Many religious women are misogynistic too, because they learn it through the leadership they follow. Each spouse and each individual is responsible for fulfilling their own God-given role, regardless of what anyone else is doing.

I just wanted to point out how the Bible has been twisted- often, at the expense of women. This has unfortunately sparked a retaliation, where now, some women reject certain aspects of God’s true design. A Christian woman must have Bible knowledge and understanding. The Holy Spirit brings understanding. This will protect and guide her.

The truth will be a source of healing and freedom for her. Women need to know how valuable they are and how God has commanded their husband to love and care for them. God says a man should love his wife selflessly and sacrificially. Yet, some women are dating and marrying men who abuse them. If a woman truly knows how valuable she is, she won’t have crippling low self-esteem. If she doesn’t have crippling low self-esteem, a woman will be a lot less likely to seek attention and validation from men.

She will also be unlikely to put up with various types of abuse and general mistreatment from a man. Plenty girls and women have not learned how a man should treat a woman by watching their own father’s demonstration with their mother. This is key and some women’s tolerance of mistreatment. It would make no sense for a woman to marry a man who lies, cheats on her, controls her due to his own fear and abuses her.

This is opposite of how the Bible clearly commands a husband to love his wife as himself, and furthermore, to love her, even as Christ loved the church. ” Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.” Ephesians 5: 25- 27.

“Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.” Colossians 3:19).

You see, God loves women clearly. He has also commanded men to love women. However, Satan often expresses his hatred of women through certain men.

Satan has a problem with mankind in general, because people were created in the image of God. But he seems to have a particular hatred for women. This is manifested globally. Perhaps, he has never gotten over the fact that Mary gave birth to Jesus Christ our Savior.

Now, satan can’t lure everybody to hell to be with him, since our Savior paid the penalty for our sins. Satan seems furious. People now have an opportunity to believe on Jesus and receive the gift of salvation. Satan seems to be enraged ever since our Savior was born.

There was enmity spoken of between the serpent and the woman (Genesis 3: 15) and enmity is still very alive today globally. It is expressed against women all around the world. Unfortunately, chronic global hatred of women is not highlighted enough, including within it’s spiritual context. It is not spotlighted a lot even by pastors or within some households.

Timeout! A great deal of men do not hate or seriously harm women. They are gentlemen, and I appreciate them so much. My goal in addressing these issues is to keep reminding women to be careful prayerful and aware; to love themselves and know their worth. This world is an increasingly dangerous place. Seeing women in their miserable relationships reminds me to speak on these issues.

It reminds me to remind women of reality, every time I see a news report of another woman being assaulted, kidnapped or killed. There are incels (involuntary celibates), MGTOW (Men going their own way), and other groups who are against women. They are spreading their messages across many platforms online and offline too.

Ladies must have the wisdom and strength to steer clear of these types of men online and offline. My prayer is that women are strong enough to not be manipulated into believing their cruel words. Why am I being loud about these issues? Because too many other people are not. There are many online influencers with a message that is toxic and against women.

There was Kevin Samuels, who passed away recently. He was an influencer/ YouTuber. He stated that women over 35 and are not married are leftovers. He criticized women for their weight and health issues. Ironically, he’s reported to have died of high blood pressure himself. I think that to tell a woman she is leftovers if unmarried at 35 is a manipulative tactic to cause women to panic and marry men that they shouldn’t be marrying.

Kevin himself likely knew very well that the pickings are extremely slim and that many women would not be able to find a suitable, safe partner to marry by age 35. Of course, plenty men are not married by 35, but some of them create different rules for themselves. Reportedly, Kevin has been married twice himself. Married twice, divorced twice and he is the common denominator.

When trying to control women, some have taught women that their highest callings are to be a mother and wife. This is taught while plenty fathers are not raising sons to be good husbands and good fathers. Women have often been controlled by such ideology about their value coming from being married, but a lot of women are waking up and using wisdom to be a lot more careful about who they marry.

Women have been shown throughout history that it can backfire to depend too much on men, so many aim to take care of themselves by getting college degrees and careers, so that they are not left stranded. Due to the fact that many women are a lot more careful, this often means marrying a lot later in life, if they marry at all.

Kevin Samuels’ messages still live in a big way. Some men seem to even idolize Kevin. Many love to agree with him. His message appeals to a lot of the guys out there. Some in agreement with Kevin Samuels are women also. Kevin had a toxic message that was laced with some truths [1].

There is also Andrew Tate who appears to be even worse and he has many, many followers, including numerous men that he is influencing [2]. Kevin and Andrew have plenty information about them that can be researched. I encourage you to research for yourselves. These men are major influencers and there are others like them.

I am bringing their names up because they are an example of some of the toxic teachers out there who program and train people through their rhetoric. Positive parental guidance and presence is desperately needed proactively, to counteract such influences. Men who hate women are often nice looking, charming, successful professionals.

Their hatred of women does not stop them from being attracted to, having sex with, dating and even marrying women. There are also times that in a rage, a complete stranger will target a woman he doesn’t even know. So women really need to be aware of the growing hatred and be very careful. Andrew Tate has many men following and admiring him. They look to him for guidance, have a shared contempt of women and may be catering to feelings of insecurity, rage, hurt and inadequacy.

They become allies of other men who also have a problem with women. They encourage each other in their hatred of women. They seem to feed off of each other. Andrew Tate was even investigated for human trafficking and they reportedly did find a woman he was holding on the property. Disturbingly, this man is teaching many boys and men.

Certain boys and men are listening to toxic anti-woman messages and are able to apply this “knowledge” in how they deal with women. We need far more positive, male influencers speaking up, sending the right positive messages to men in need. Unfortunately, a lot of men seem to be very quiet about these issues. Ironically, the positive influencers that do speak up often end up being way less recognized than toxic ones.

When some women respond to the hate, suddenly some men want to play the victim and play the persecuted card. “Why do you hate men?” they say, when women speak out against the oppression, abuse and murders of women. This is indifference, denial, deflection and projection. It is not productive to dance around the chronic problem of contempt of women and call it hating men or “misandry” when women take a stand against misogyny.

Maybe if more people instructed their sons better and modeled differently for their families, misogyny would not have become such a problem. Maybe if more gentlemen had been correcting the misogyny in themselves and discouraging it in their friends and relatives all along, things would not have gotten as bad as they are now.

Sure, misandry exists. It is wrong, and it is typically a response to certain men’s hatred for women. Yet, retaliation is never okay. Although misandry exists, it appears to be a very small issue in prevalence, when compared to misogyny. I believe some people use the term “misandry” in retaliation against people who come against misogyny.

Standing in opposition against misogyny and holding others accountable by demanding respect and fair treatment of women is NOT “misandry” or “man-bashing.”

Overall, women have generally never oppressed men on the same scale that some men have oppressed women. Not even close. Women have not assaulted men and murdered men on the same level. Not even close! Ever since long ago, some of the churches have taught and lived misogyny; not misandry for the most part. Women typically do not pose equal an threat to men and are generally not the same risk to men as some men are to women.

This must not be ignored. It is not a level situation. It’s not balanced. It is not equal. It has to be addressed according to reality; not according to people’s persecution complexes and the fact that addressing it steps on their toes. This does not downplay the fact that hate from women against men is equally wrong. I encourage women to choose love. I’m talking to myself first. I need to choose love in a world of hate.

• One way I can choose love is to love and pray for my enemies. Matthew (5: 43-44). Misogynists are my enemies.

• To love an enemy does not mean to become involved with them in a relationship or marry them!

• If I love my enemy, it means love them enough to pray for them. Love can be, and at times should be from a distance.

• Love them enough to hold them accountable.

• Love them enough to not enable their hate and bad behaviors.

• Don’t aid and abet a misogynist by dating or marrying him, helping him to believe that what he is doing is okay and that no matter how he behaves, he deserves to have a woman.

Almost every misogynist out there I know is constantly dating or married, because a woman is choosing to be with him for whatever reasons. By not becoming involved with men who hate women, ladies are refusing to be an enabler of or a supporter of these men and their hatred.

Some men seem to have the “need” to dominate a woman the way they need air to breathe. It is as if that is the only way they can feel satisfied and adequate as a man.

Young ladies and girls need to be aware of this. Among religious men who like to dominate, are the kind of men who are obsessed with a woman’s submission, instead of focusing on their own submission and obedience to God’s command for them to love selflessly and be a righteous example. A few honest men I know have admitted that all a man has to do is love like he is told to, and many women are naturally submissive.

For whatever reasons, some men are not satisfied with obeying God’s command to love selflessly and be a righteous example. They apparently think they ought to instead fixate on the woman submitting to them. They need her to submit for their own unhealthy needs, instead of her submitting on her own, for her needs and benefit, as the husband loves and cherishes her. A woman’s ultimate reason for submission is to comply with God’s commands. Still, I take note that God’s design is very beneficial for a woman.

I observe in my personal life, a situation that has been going on for decades. The man is dead-set in viewing and living out headship and submission the way he wants to. He seems obsessed with trying to make it pan out his way. He claims his way is God’s way. Like some others, he seems to have a god complex. The wife’s submission is this particular man’s fixation, so he is not able to sufficiently grow spiritually in his own role.

He is not able to fully fulfill God’s will, because he is so hung up on his wife’s submission, instead of looking at and working on himself appropriately. By being demeaning, controlling and oppressive toward his wife and other women, it possibly makes him feel big. He needs healing. Each wounded person clearly needs healing in order to think more clearly, behave more wisely and with integrity.

Yet, there are still men out there who will make an ideal partner and spouse.

The wise woman must prioritize standards and character over superficial personal preferences, in order to choose wisely. She must not be brainwashed men’s traditions and wrong socialization. There are uncommon men who love and respect their woman. It is just a matter of women choosing wisely, correctly and not being afraid to be single during the possibly long wait. So women should always choose love. If it’s not love, leave it alone!

In summation, it is good to keep the following in mind:

• Don’t retaliate against misogyny with hatred (real misandry).

• Don’t hate men because of the actions of some members of their gender.

• Never forget that everybody sins (including girls and women) and we are all called to repent (Acts 2: 38; Mark 1:14-15). Everybody makes mistakes, and there is hope for everyone as long as they are still alive and breathing.

• Don’t go for the man who hates because he is a smooth talker, ear-tickler, or is handsome.

– He may get a woman’s hopes high, then break her heart.

– He may impregnate her and then abandon her and the child.

• An unhealed man may abuse a woman in various ways. Some unhealed men are known to chronically take out their pain on women.

• Don’t go for the man who hates, just because he is funny and tall or because of any other superficial preferences that are prioritized over his character.

Women have a say in their own plight. It is important for a woman to know her worth and not to settle for the man who doesn’t. It is necessary for a woman to love herself in a healthy way. She should accept only the right one who truly loves her. And she should love and respect her man too.

Choose love. How will a woman know that her man loves her? First of all, Christian women should be praying and seeking guidance from the Holy Spirit. Bible knowledge for those who know it will indicate where love is or isn’t. For example, real love is described in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7.

The Bible shows us this: Love does not harm others. Obviously, the way a person is spoken to and treated all around will be an indicator as to whether or not they are being loved. I understand that not everyone prays, reads the Bible, and not everyone is a Christian. Even women who are not Christian can learn a lot by their man’s actions and by using common sense.

This leads me to the second point. Secondly, love is what love does. Actions speak far more loudly than words. Anyone can throw around the phrase “I love you.” In fact, “I love you” is one of the most overused, misused and abused phrases, because it should not be used unless it is actually true. Yet, some people use it carelessly and dishonestly.

It is wise for women to not be captives of words, but to be prudent and look for actual facts that back up verbal claims. Actions are for sure factual.

“And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.”

1 Corinthians 13: 13.






Used with permission from Petrina Ferguson.

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