12 Signs Your Husband Isn't In Love With You - Olubunmi Mabel

“… To have and to hold… to love and to cherish…”

These are words from the famous traditional marriage vows, and every lady on the aisle dreams of experiencing the essence of these words.

However, what happens if the one you have vowed to love and cherish doesn’t reciprocate the gesture?

Deep sigh!

I sigh deeply because of how heartbreaking it is to find out that your husband isn’t in love with you.

This article will be beneficial for both married and unmarried women.

For married women, as painful as facing the stark reality may be, it may be the beginning of healing for you and your marriage.

Unmarried women approaching the marital phase can use the relevant signs that apply to their situation to gauge the “love meter” of their future husbands.

Please read on.

12 Signs Your Husband Isn’t In Love With You

1. He doesn’t care about you 

One of the signs that a person truly loves you is embedded in how they show care for you or how they care about what you care about.

Marriage feels like a locked-in space for two people to stay knitted together and serve each other.

Warren Barfield puts it so succinctly:

“Love is not a place to come and go as you please.

It’s a house you enter in and commit to never leave…”

I love how he highlights the commitment of love and the care that comes with it.

It is never fun to be stuck in a house with someone who doesn’t care a hoot about you.

This is the same way it feels like being married to a man who isn’t in love with you.

He won’t care about you or care about what’s happening in your life.

I recall my dad becoming very unsettled every time my mum travelled, and he couldn’t reach her.

The ex-military officer in him, who always put forward a hard exterior, could not mask the care and concern he felt.

Do you know why?

This was because he loved her.

When your husband isn’t in love with you, he will show little or no care for you.

2. You have little or no influence over him

Part of what happens when two people get married is that they become accountable for each other.

It also affords them the opportunity to influence and advise each other.

As a wife, I have spared my husband from making costly decisions because I advised him, and he listened.

In fact, many times, my husband comes to seek my opinion on matters that pertain to himself and his business, and I don’t take it for granted.

This speaks to the fact that my husband loves me and can trust me to give him the right counsel.

In a situation where your husband isn’t in love with you, your words won’t make a difference to him.

You will have little or no influence over him.

He might, in fact, get angry when you try to speak to him or counsel him.

He does as he pleases without being accountable to you because he isn’t in love with you.

Love is an incredible force that transforms people.

I have seen hard-core guys become softies because they fell in love.

So, if your husband is still so hard and totally independent, the issue might just be that he isn’t in love with you.

3. He is emotionally disconnected

How can you truly love someone and yet keep your emotions at bay?

This is frankly impossible.

Your husband may be so emotionally disconnected because he isn’t in love with you.

I recall a certain guy who wanted my hand in marriage.

He pursued me and tried everything he could to get me to love him, but I just didn’t feel that way about him.

Obviously, he loved me and worshipped the ground I walked on, but because the feeling wasn’t mutual, I was emotionally disconnected from him.

In fact, the things he’d do that would make other ladies “ooh” and “ahh” in love as the butterflies in their bellies jump for joy made me feel indifferent.

This is what it looks like when a person is emotionally disconnected.

It is like pouring water into a basket: it won’t hold it! 

4. His eyes reveal what’s in his soul

The legendary singer Michael Bolton had so much to say about “When a Man Loves a Woman” and how accurate he was!

When a man loves a woman, the truth is that it shows.

One of the places you get to see how your husband feels about you is in his eyes.

Don’t they say that the eyes are the window of the soul?

Do you see that glint of joy and passion in his eyes?

Or do his eyes look passive or angry?

It is even worse if he won’t look you in the eyes.

Look into his eyes sis… the telltale truth awaits you.

5. He struggles to show affection

My disclaimer is that some men may actually love you and yet struggle to show affection due to their upbringing and other factors.

My dad was one of such people.

He rarely showed affection to his wife, even though he loved her.

Anyway, shyness or a dysfunctional upbringing is not my focus.

A man who isn’t in love with you will struggle to show you affection because he doesn’t just have chemistry.

He may be particularly aloof or brutal in his rejection if he is in love with someone else.

I used to have a very zealous suitor who I couldn’t stand.

I couldn’t imagine a relationship with him, and listening to him always got on my nerves… Lol!

Affection is an expression of love, so it is almost impossible to be easily and lavishly affectionate with someone you are not in love with.

6. The sex isn’t special

Sex is a physical activity that means much more in the context of marriage.

It is supposed to lead the couple into deeper intimacy and oneness.

Making love with a man who isn’t in love with you will be, at best, only a physical activity.

There will be nothing special about it, and at worst, it will be a nightmare because your husband will want none of it.

Either way, the sexual life of a couple speaks volumes, and how they feel about each other can affect the atmosphere of what Nigerians popularly call “The Oza Room.“

7. He explores options (extramarital affairs)

When your husband isn’t in love with you, he explores other women outside.

He may also constantly speak of the woman he loves.

I have heard silly arguments that men are not built to commit to only one lady, and I can’t begin to tell you how foolish that school of thought is.

It is only an argument meant to excuse infidelity.

Love is what makes people commit, and commitment comes with faithfulness.

A man can never say he loves his wife, and yet he keeps a mistress on the side.

A man who is truly in love with you will not want to hurt you or break your trust.  

If he has some other lady or other ladies on the side, then he isn’t in love with you.

8. He avoids you

When a man is in love with you, he’ll want you in his space and want to be around you.

However, if your husband isn’t in love with you, he may be allergic to your presence.

My husband used to have a senior manager in an office where he worked, who was the definition of a workaholic.

He sometimes slept and bathed at the office; even though he had a wife and children at home, he was always reluctant to go home.

If your husband isn’t in love with you, he will avoid you like a plague.

This may look like him overworking himself and always telling you that he is too busy to come home.

He may also look for opportunities to travel and be far away from you.

This may also look like your husband staying up late and always choosing to hang out with his friends over hanging out with you.

It all boils down to the fact that he doesn’t love you and is avoiding you.

9. He hurts you intentionally

Being stuck with someone who doesn’t love you could be a death sentence sometimes.

We have heard cases of men who beat their wives without remorse, and I believe one of the leading causes of this is because he isn’t in love with them.

When you love someone, you won’t want to hurt them intentionally, but a man who isn’t in love with a woman will hurt her intentionally and without apologies.

It is the sad truth.

10. He constantly criticises you

Is your husband overly critical of you and constantly comparing you with others?

This may be because he isn’t in love with you.

A man who is in love with a woman would more often than not overlook her excesses. 

In fact, this is part of why people say, “Love is blind.”

However, a man who isn’t in love with you will be very aware of your weaknesses, and even if you are straight as a stick, he still won’t be satisfied.

He will be full of criticisms where you are concerned.

It may look like you are too clumsy, undeserving of him or just have so many unresolved issues, but in truth, the issue isn’t you.

His criticisms are masking the truth – He doesn’t love you.

11. He is never vulnerable with you

Men cry, and they have the ability to be vulnerable but only to people they love and trust.

If your husband is never vulnerable with you or lets you into his space, the issue may be that he isn’t in love with you.

12. Your union with him is lifeless or transactional

Someone reached out to me recently and shared how she feels so unhappy in her marriage and how, after her wedding her day, she seems to have forgotten what happiness feels like.

My heart truly went out to her, and I won’t be surprised if many more women can relate to her feelings.

One very sure way to know if your husband loves you is to check the health of your relationship.

Is your union full of life or lifeless?

Do you feel like knitted team members or is your marriage merely transactional?

If your husband isn’t in love with you, you’ll feel very lonely in the marriage.

I have heard stories of men who married women they didn’t love because they wanted material and financial benefits.

The honest truth is that a very vital thing will always be lacking in a union devoid of love and the love of one person can’t carry both parties sadly.