4 Things Affair Partners Offer That Marriages May Lack - Olubunmi Mabel

No one enters marriage planning to cheat.

Oh well, except for serial cheaters, but that’s a different story.

Most people expect their marriage to be fulfilling in every way – emotionally, physically, and mentally.

So, we get married to build a life of partnership, trust, and connection.

But sometimes, despite our best efforts, marriage falls short in certain areas, and these areas create a vulnerability that draws people into affairs.

Before I continue, let’s be clear: this isn’t about justifying infidelity.

It’s about understanding why some married people turn to affair partners and what they feel those relationships offer that their marriages do not.

4 Things Affair Partners Offer That Marriages May Lack

1. Undivided Attention

When I was single, I told myself I wouldn’t let my marriage become monotonous with routines because I knew myself. 

I get quickly bored with routines and crave excitement, adventure, and spontaneity. 

But now that I’ve been married for eight years, I laugh at my naivety. 

Marriage functions mainly by routines, and it’s easy to get caught up in the hustle of everyday life—work, kids, bills, and chores.

You and your spouse may be so busy managing your responsibilities that you start to forget to truly focus on each other and take each other for granted. 

Slowly, the little things like sitting down for an uninterrupted conversation or genuinely asking how the other person is doing start to disappear.

Without even realizing it, one or both of you might begin to feel ignored or invisible.

This is where an affair partner can come in and feel like the best thing since coffee (I’m a coffee addict! lol)

They’re not part of the daily grind.

There are no arguments about who forgot to pay the light bill or whose turn it is to pick up the kids.

They’re simply present, giving their full attention.

Imagine a woman coming home, wanting to share her stressful day at work, but her husband is scrolling on his phone or zoned out in front of the TV.

Now compare that to someone who looks her in the eye, asks how she’s really feeling, and listens without distractions.

That kind of attention can feel like gold, especially when it’s been missing for a long time.

It’s not that the affair partner is perfect.

They just don’t come with the baggage of responsibilities or years of routine.

Their attention feels fresh and exciting, and for someone who’s been feeling neglected, it’s irresistible.

Over time, that focused attention can start to replace the emotional connection that’s been lost in the marriage.

This kind of attention isn’t impossible to have in a marriage.

It just requires effort.

You don’t need hours of free time to give your partner undivided attention.

It could be as simple as putting your phone away during dinner or genuinely listening when they speak.

Small, consistent actions like asking about their day or showing interest in what they’re saying can go a long way.

What affair partners offer isn’t magic.

It’s just the intentional focus that every marriage needs.

If you make your partner feel seen and heard, you can strengthen your connection and avoid the emotional gap that often leads people to seek attention elsewhere.

Don’t let your marriage become stagnant, with both of you feeling like you are just going through the motions.

2. Newness and Excitement

No matter how much you love your partner or how strong your chemistry is, marriage can slip into a predictable rhythm.

The same faces, conversations, schedules; it might feel like you’re living on autopilot sometimes.

With time, that electric spark you had initially feels like a distant memory.

Yes, you are still in love and care deeply for each other, but the novelty that once made your heart race has faded into routine.

If you, like me, dislike boredom, this can be a huge challenge in your marriage.

My husband knows this about me, so he indulges me whenever I come up with ideas for new things to try or places to visit.

We go on weekend getaways without the kids, travel to new countries, eat out, etc.

I’m grateful to have a flexible business and a solid support system that helps with our two kids so we can have these experiences together.

But even with all the excitement and variety, there are still moments when I feel like our relationship is stuck in a rut.

Now imagine couples who don’t have the resources or time to break out of their routine.

It’s easy to see how a lack of novelty and excitement can lead to boredom and dissatisfaction in a marriage, making a partner who craves newness vulnerable to outside temptations.

Because really, that’s what affair partners usually offer- something new and different.

Remember that intoxicating feeling of falling in love with someone for the first time?

The exhilaration of getting to know someone and discovering new things about them?

Some people often miss this in marriage and want to experience it again. 

If they are not intentional about re-creating that feeling with their spouse, they may seek it elsewhere. 

3. Validation and Compliments

One of the complaints many women have about their husbands is that they don’t give compliments.

Yet when they asked them out, they were full of compliments and affirmations. 

”You are so beautiful.”

”I’m in love with you.”

”I want to marry you.”

”I can’t imagine my life without you.” yen yen yen.

Some of us believe them, swoon over their words, and agree to marry them.

Now, in marriage? 

Crickets. Nothing. Nada.

But why? 

Why do men stop giving compliments in marriage?

Is it because they feel it’s no longer necessary since they have already won us over?

Is it because they have seen us in our vulnerable moments and don’t find us as attractive anymore? 

Is it because they are comfortable and assume we already know how much they love us? 

It could be a combination of these reasons. 

Whenever I accuse my husband of being stingy with compliments, he’d usually say things like:

”You know you are always beautiful.”

”If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t have married you.”

”I don’t need to say it all the time, you should already know how I feel.”

I usually don’t accept his excuses and would still nag him for compliments, which he ends up giving. 

Marriage is work, fam. 

We all want to feel noticed, valued, and appreciated.

It’s a basic human need, and in relationships, it’s one of the simplest yet most powerful ways to make your partner feel loved.

I mean, in the early days of a relationship, compliments and validation come naturally:

“You look amazing in that dress,”

“I’m so proud of you,”

or even a simple “You’re incredible.”

These words flow easily because you want to impress each other.

But in marriage, life gets busy.

The compliments and affirmations that were once abundant can fade into the background, replaced by reminders about errands, bills, or daily chores.

But affair partners, even though they have impure intentions, usually notice what a spouse might overlook.

“You’ve got such a beautiful smile,” 

“You’re so smart and capable.”

These words can feel like a lifeline to someone who hasn’t heard them in a long time.

It’s not that the affair partner is doing something extraordinary—they’re simply offering what the marriage has stopped prioritizing.

Validation and compliments shouldn’t stop after you say, “I do.”

They are the fuel that keeps a relationship alive. 

Don’t assume your partner knows how you feel—say it.

Notice the effort they put into things, and let them know you see it.

4. Freedom From Conflicts

I wish there was a magic formula to guarantee a conflict-free marriage, but there isn’t, dear.

Conflicts are a natural part of any relationship, especially in marriage where two different individuals with unique backgrounds and personalities come together.

So, if you think you’ll be so in love with your partner that you’ll never fight, hmmmm,  sorry to burst your bubble, but it’s not a realistic expectation.

By fight, I don’t mean physical altercations with exchange of blows and glasses shattering. 

No, please.

I mean disagreements, arguments, differences in opinions, and even heated discussions.

These conflicts can actually be healthy for a relationship if handled properly.

They allow you to express your thoughts and feelings and help you understand each other better.

That’s marriage for you. 

It isn’t all romance and butterflies.

That’s why one of the most enticing things affair partners offer is a relationship free from the constant friction that marriages face.

No fights about finances, no awkward discussions about your mother-in-law’s surprise visit, no unresolved tension about who was supposed to fix the leaky sink, no debates about parenting styles…

It’s all fun, light, and easy.

Of course, it’s expected. 

Because affairs are based on stolen moments and fleeting encounters, there’s no time for mundane problems to arise.

And you want to make the most of the limited time you have together. 

If your spouse is the person you argue with the most, and the affair partner is the one showering you with compliments or texting you “how’s your day going?”—where would you rather spend your emotional energy?

Fights and frustrations are normal—they’re part of building a life together, but they can become so draining and exhausting. 

However, instead of escaping to a conflict-free bubble, think about how to bring some of that lightness back into your marriage.

When was the last time you had a playful, no-stress conversation with your spouse?

When did you last laugh together without it being forced?

The lightness and fun you see in the affair partner? It’s not something they own.

It’s something you and your spouse can create—if you’re both willing to put in the effort.

Marriage might never be 100% conflict-free, but it doesn’t have to feel heavy all the time.

A little humor, kindness, and joy can transform your marriage.

And trust me, the satisfaction of building a real partnership beats the temporary escape an affair could ever provide, no matter how tempting.