8 Signs He’s Torn Between His Wife And His Lover - Olubunmi Mabel
Can a man love two women at the same time?
This is a very important question that many people have different answers for.
I remember writing an article on it and if you want to read what I had to say, just click here.
Ideally, marriage is supposed to be a simple and beautiful relationship: a man and his wife loving each other and living a happy life together.
That’s what I see when I think of an ideal version of marriage.
However, in our world, there are several marriages that depart from the ideal version of marriage.
When we speak about men cheating in marriage, we focus on the signs and condemn the act.
But we have never really given much thought to the turmoil a cheating husband experiences when he is torn between his wife and lover.
Serves him right, yeah?
No one is going to make excuses for anyone who cheats on their partners.
It is a despicable act and should be called nothing less than that.
However, when a man is torn between his wife and his lover, subtle signs reveal his state of mind, which we may normally ignore.
Here are some telltale signs that a husband is struggling with divided loyalties;
1. He is inconsistent
There’s one true sign of love that people don’t pay much attention to – Consistency.
A man who loves you will show you affection consistently.
It won’t be something that fluctuates like power supply in my country.
This is especially a sour spot because as I speak (write) to you, my community has been engulfed by blackouts for days.
The best way to determine whether a man truly loves you is to observe the consistency in his actions around you.
In the same way, the best way to check if your husband’s loyalties are still undivided is to check how consistent his behavior is around you.
If he is attentive and affectionate to you this minute and the next while acting distant and cold, it could be a sign of the inner turbulence he is feeling.
I know some people may refer to it as mood swings.
But this is something more deep-seated than mood swings.
It is almost like he can’t decide how to behave around you.
He doesn’t know for sure what he feels for you.
So, sometimes, he showers you with love and affection and makes you feel like the only woman in the world.
Then, sometimes, his lover wins the unending tug of war within him, and he becomes distant and very irritable around you.
When a man acts this way regularly, it could be a sign that he’s torn between his wife and lover.
2. He has conflicting priorities
Sometimes, people have trouble getting their priorities straight, and I wonder why.
A married man’s major priorities should be his wife, family, and friends, usually in that order.
However, when a man is torn between his wife and his lover, he starts having a conflict of priorities.
He no longer seems to have a clear order of priorities, so sometimes, he does things that may make his wife question whether he truly loves her.
I grew up in a community where polygamy was rampant.
Most men were married to two or more wives, and even those married to one wife were serial cheaters.
I saw their lives and wondered how they managed to juggle everything.
How did they manage to be productive at work, cater for two wives, and still have time to search for new ones to add to their harems?
I still don’t understand how they do it.
But one thing I know is that one thing has to suffer for the other.
So, if your husband is torn between you and his lover, you will notice a conflict of priorities.
Sometimes, he spends so much time away from home that it makes you feel unnecessarily needy to complain about his absence.
At other times, he spends so much time with you that you feel like the only woman in the world.
You must note that this only happens because he is torn between you and his lover.
If a man is totally captivated by his lover, then the wife probably has no chance of getting him to spend quality time with her.
3. Intimacy also fluctuates
Picture a chart showing the prices of a crypto asset over a period.
Consider the spikes and the ebbs in the chart- they signify the fluctuating prices.
The prices are either rising or falling, hardly ever staying in one place.
Do you know what else those charts can represent?
The s*x life of a wife whose husband is torn between her and his lover.
Intimacy usually takes a hit when a man is torn between his wife and lover.
Or, preferably, it fluctuates.
Sometimes, he ignores his wife and refuses to be intimate with her.
By intimacy, I mean physical intimacy.
However, you can also include emotional intimacy as well.
At other times, it feels like he can’t get enough of her.
It’s like something takes over him and makes him so hungry for his wife.
Passion, affection, and lovemaking are usually out of this world during such periods.
But the fact is, it is just a phase that he phases into and out of every now and then.
If your husband behaves this way, chances are he is having an affair, and he is torn between you and his lover.
4. He has frequent mood swings
Growing up, I used to think only females had mood swings because most of the males around me seemed to be simple and easy to read.
I could always know when they were having a bad day and stay away.
And they didn’t suddenly get angry or sad in the middle of a conversation.
Now, I know everyone has mood swings occasionally.
However, when a man is torn between his wife and lover, he has frequent mood swings.
One minute, he is all jovial and having fun with his wife.
The next, he is withdrawn and sober.
His mood swings are so pronounced and easy to notice because of how sharply they occur.
These fluctuations are usually caused by pangs of guilt or the stress of maintaining different relationships and keeping them secret.
It could also result from him questioning what he was doing or feeling at that moment for his wife.
Does he love her, or does he feel guilty?
All these questions and confusions have an uncanny way of popping up when he is having a good time with his wife or lover.
When your husband experiences intense mood swings regularly, you need to start considering the fact that something is wrong and he isn’t telling you about it.
5. He overcompensates
When a married man cheats, there is one feeling he can’t escape- Guilt.
He can’t escape the feeling that he shouldn’t be doing what he is doing to his wife.
This could be another reason for the turmoil within him.
He doesn’t know what to do.
If he goes with his lover, he fears that the guilt will eat him up.
But he can’t decide whether he wants to stay with his wife.
This is the problematic situation many married men find themselves in by their own design.
When he is torn between his wife and his lover, guilt may drive him to overcompensate in his marriage.
To relieve himself of his guilt, he may shower his wife with compliments, expensive gifts, and extra attention.
He does this because he wants to believe he is doing well as a husband.
I am not saying that you should start suspecting your husband because he showers you with gifts and affection.
Some men do this in their happy marriages.
However, if your husband exhibits signs that indicate he may be cheating as well as this sign, then it could be a sign that he’s torn between you and his lover.
So, you should look for signs of secrecy, inappropriate communications, and suspicious trips before even thinking of anything remotely similar to this.
6. He avoids committing to future plans
I know a man with two wives.
This man sat down and warned a group of us never to consider having two wives.
He said it was not a flex.
It was actually a serious burden, one he wished he had had enough sense to avoid.
He told us that he can’t make any concrete plans for the future because, at any time, one of his wives can truncate his plans.
So, he just lives his life a day at a time.
This is also applicable when a man is torn between his wife and his lover.
He can’t make any concrete plans for the future because the future is quite uncertain.
He doesn’t know if he will still be married or in an affair in the future.
So, he refrains from making future plans.
Apart from the uncertainty of the future of his marriage and entanglement, there is also the issue of coincidences always coming up to spoil whatever plans he makes.
So, if he has made plans to spend the weekend with his lover, his son may fall sick and require his presence during that period.
If he also has made plans to take his wife to dinner, his lover may call to complain of something or the other.
The reality is that a cheating man is trying to juggle two things that should never be juggled in the first place.
When he is now torn between the two of them, it can be really confusing.
He doesn’t have a clear path forward and doesn’t know how to retrace his steps backward.
7. Frequent arguments
Conflicts and arguments are just par for the course in marriages.
Everyone has disagreements from time to time.
However, when it becomes frequent, it is indicative of something being wrong in the relationship.
When he’s torn between his wife and his lover, frequent arguments and conflicts can arise as a result of his internal struggle.
He is unsure of the next step to take and is under a lot of pressure to make a decision.
His wife is expecting him to fulfill his responsibilities as a husband.
His lover is expecting him to leave his wife and be with her permanently.
It is like a tug of war, and he is the rope they are pulling.
It’s not unusual for the stress and strain of this internal tug of war to flow into the external and cause outbursts from the man.
The stress and guilt of maintaining two relationships could cause heightened tension in the house.
I have seen this happen before.
This man had a mistress but couldn’t leave his wife.
So, he had to juggle everything.
On some days, he was happy.
On other days, only very small things set him off, and he would get into arguments with his wife.
Later, we discovered that he was cheating on her, and some of the causes of the fights were simple questions like “Where have you been?”.
However, this is not a definitive sign that he’s torn between his wife and his lover.
It could mean other things.
So, please be careful what you do with this information.
8. He isolates himself
The end result of being tugged here and there is that a man who’s torn between his wife and his lover may seek solitude to set their goals straight.
He is not thinking straight and needs some alone time to think.
If your husband has exhibited all the signs above and requests some alone time to think, it could be a sign that he is torn between you and his lover.
If these signs are evident in your relationship, you are probably wondering what to do.
Well, the actual truth is there isn’t much you can do.
You can’t confront him because you have no definitive proof of his infidelity.
However, one thing you can do is talk to him and invite him to confide in you.
Tell him you have noticed that he seems disturbed recently.
Ask him if he needs your help and show a readiness to be of help.
Chances are he wouldn’t tell you that he is actually torn between you and another woman.
But he may share some of his struggles with you.
You need to be ready to help, or advice him to get professional help.
Dear men, try to do better.
You can be better than this.
Infidelity only digs a deeper pit for you.
Avoid it!
