8 Signs Your Marriage Has Become Emotionally Toxic - Olubunmi Mabel

I watched a TikTok video recently in which a woman was interviewed on the street about the impact of her parents’ marriage on her. 

She mentioned that, yes, her parents’ marriage was toxic, and she had to tell her mum to leave because she noticed she was staying for her and her sister. 

It got me thinking about what that lady and her sibling must have gone through for her to tell her mum it was time to move. 

It must have been traumatic, showing that a toxic marriage takes a toll on both the couple and the children involved. 

However, even if children are not involved, an emotionally toxic marriage is not the goal; marriage should be your haven.

It should be one’s solace from the usual day’s stress. 

But when it adds to the stress, it can be heartbreaking. 

However, despite that, some people might not even know when their marriage is becoming toxic. 

They may think it’s the usual downs that marriages go through because, as we know, marriages do go through that. 

So, how do you differentiate between the two?

How do you know your marriage problems are beyond the usual and it has become emotionally toxic? 

I will be addressing this question in this post. 

Let’s go straight to it. 

1. Constant Criticism

It is not out of place for couples to criticize or call each other out when they feel they are not doing something right. 

However, there is a point where it crosses the ideal to toxic – when it’s constant. 

No two people who love each other will constantly criticize each other. 

In fact, your strong feelings can make it easy to ignore some things because you might be reluctant to hurt them by calling them out. 

But when criticism becomes constant without any regard for the other’s feelings, it’s clear that the marriage is becoming emotionally toxic. 

When you and your partner always feel like nothing you do is good enough or that you can never get anything right, the situation is not ideal. 

2. Lack Of Support

The concept of two becoming one in marriage is not a cliché. 

Although it is a religious concept, even irreligious people would agree that a married couple is a united team, and they must work together to help each other become the best possible version of themselves. 

So, your spouse is expected to be your best friend and your greatest support. 

Apart from yourself, your partner should be the next person most interested in your success and progress because they realize your success is theirs. 

So, when you find that they’re not there and it’s for no reason, it usually points to something deeper. 

I say “for no reason” because sometimes people experience issues that make it challenging to be there for someone else at a particular time. 

Let me give you an example. 

There is a Nigerian series that I follow religiously, Skinny Girl in Transit.

In one season, the wife suffered a miscarriage, which she blamed herself for; she felt it was because she was overweight. 

During that period, she withdrew from her husband and couldn’t help him much, even when he was going through his own issues. 

I’m not making excuses for her or saying she shouldn’t have looked outside herself. 

But we are humans and can, sometimes, struggle. 

So, in such a case, I believe we can understand why she couldn’t be there for her husband before she healed. 

But when there is nothing wrong, and the lack of support is from a noticeable lack of care, then it is safe to say the marriage is emotionally toxic.

3. Increased Emotional Distance

Initially, I wanted to list his point as a lack of communication. 

But I decided to change it to emotional distance because, first, I feel like people are probably tired of hearing about communication whenever they read a relationship or marriage post. 

You shouldn’t, though, because it became a cliché for a reason – it is true. 

Communication is indispensable in a relationship/marriage that wants to last. 

However, I understand how tiring it can be, so I decided to indulge. 

But more importantly, I felt like emotional distance is more all-encompassing because there is a way people can think communication is just talking. 

No, it is not. 

The point of communication in any relationship is to form a connection; you naturally want to talk and bond with someone you feel close to. 

So, if communication is lacking, it is either because one party struggles with communication or because, in this context, there is emotional distance. 

In an ideal marriage, like I said earlier, your partner is your best friend. 

So, when it becomes toxic, one of the more noticeable signs is that you will drift apart. 

You will notice that you no longer share your thoughts and feelings because staying guarded feels safer. 

While you might still be talking, it will be like two strangers living under the same roof, not like two lovers connecting at a deep level.

4. Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Some people confront issues directly, while others naturally hide their feelings but become passive-aggressive because no matter how they try, they cannot hide their true feelings. 

However, when a marriage is becoming emotionally toxic, passive-aggressiveness is likely to be the order of the day. 

This is because both partners are still trying to hold on by a thread at this point. 

Although they might not know that things are becoming toxic, they will surely know that things are bad and will likely be trying to keep the marriage together. 

Therefore, direct confrontation will likely not happen. 

But as I mentioned earlier, you cannot hide your feelings, so they will creep out in passive-aggressive ways. 

A marriage is likely crossing the toxic threshold when you or your partner starts saying one thing but means another or gives the cold shoulder instead of openly discussing an issue. 

Before you know it, you’re walking on eggshells because you’re never sure what’s going on. 

The problem with this is that it keeps the issues simmering under the surface until it finally implodes. 

5. Disrespect And Dismissiveness

If you or your partner start rolling your eyes, ignoring each other’s opinions, or brushing off feelings, it’s a huge sign of an emotionally toxic relationship. 

Respect and consideration for each other’s feelings are evident in a healthy relationship. 

In an ideal situation, both parties treat each other respectfully and care what the other is feeling. 

They listen to each other and make adjustments within reason to accommodate the other person. 

So, when the situation is the opposite, it is clearly because something is wrong. 

When the situation continues for a while, the marriage becomes toxic. 

6. Feeling Drained Or Unhappy

We always say nobody should enter marriage expecting their partner to be their sole source of happiness, and that’s still true. 

However, couples who care about each other make it a priority to make the other person happy. 

Of course, they may not always get it as they aren’t God, but they will try. 

Therefore, it is not customary to feel drained after spending time with your partner and to be constantly unhappy in your marriage. 

Even when downtimes make you unhappy, you will know that the marriage is still solid in a healthy relationship. 

But a situation where the marriage is what is making you unhappy is a big sign of emotional toxicity. 

A healthy relationship should feel like a safe, uplifting space, not something that weighs you down. 

If spending time together feels more like an obligation than a joy, it’s time to look closely at what’s happening.

7. Lack Of Trust

There is nothing that screams toxic more than a lack of trust. 

Trust is one of the most basic foundations of any relationship, so when it’s lacking, it can quickly turn things toxic. 

Usually, when trust is broken, it is due to dishonesty, keeping secrets, or constant suspicion, which are signs of something deep. 

So, ultimately, a lack of trust indicates something is wrong in the marriage. 

When you start to question everything in your marriage, it will be difficult to keep it together after that because constant doubt can be exhausting and damaging over time.

8. Persistent Resentment

Resentment builds up when little things pile up without being addressed; it does not happen over time. 

Most of the time, when a couple or one-half of them start resenting each other, it is because of minor annoyances that have piled up over the years. 

So, for it to get there, a lot must have happened. 

That’s why, more often than not, resentment can be incredibly hard to break down. 

If nothing is done, it will eventually destroy the marriage.