8 Signs You’re Losing Yourself In Your Marriage - Olubunmi Mabel
In the past, I often wondered why people changed so much after marriage.
If they were just little changes, I’d understand, but for many of the people around me, especially the women, it was almost as though they had become someone new entirely.
I soon figured it out though; it’s because of how deep marriage is.
It’s such a huge commitment and investment that threatens to change you into someone even you may not recognize.
Don’t get me wrong please, marriage can be a beautiful thing when done with the right person.
Personally, it’s one of the best decisions I’ve made.
But the truth is that it can also lead to a gradual erosion of your individuality if you’re not careful.
The chances of this happening multiply when the blessing of kids comes into the mix.
Perhaps you’re married, and you suspect that the core of who you are is slipping away, and you just want to confirm.
There are signs, and I’ll share them with you so you can easily figure out if that’s the case.
As you know, early diagnosis and timely intervention are key for every condition.
8 Signs You’re Losing Yourself in Your Marriage
1. Your life now revolves around your marriage
Marriage can be all-encompassing; I won’t even lie.
It’s a huge commitment that takes a huge chunk of your life.
So naturally, it’ll influence most parts of your life.
But this is meant to have a limit.
You’re still supposed to maintain some things that make you YOU.
Your hobbies, passions, career, practices, and so on.
When you find yourself neglecting the activities you once loved and being entirely consumed in your marital life, your individuality might have taken a back seat.
You no longer paint, sing, read, or dance like you used to ever since you got married.
Imagine once enjoying weekend painting classes or Saturday morning exercise sessions, only to realize they’ve been replaced by your partner’s preferences.
Perhaps you used to lose yourself in the adventure of a good novel, but now your evenings are spent binge-watching shows chosen by someone else.
The excitement you used to feel has now been overshadowed by a routine that doesn’t include your passions.
The reality is that marriage is meant to change you in some ways and even influence some of your choices.
If this happens, it can leave you feeling hollow, as if you’ve sacrificed a piece of your identity on the altar of marriage.
Your eagerness for life starts to burn out when your life now revolves solely around someone else’s interests.
But identifying this anomaly is the first step toward getting yourself back.
2. You’re constantly putting yourself last
Sacrifice can be a beautiful thing.
I always say that it’s a blessing to have people you desire to sacrifice for, and it’s an even bigger blessing to have the heart to make the sacrifice and put their needs before yours.
A healthy marriage involves a lot of selflessness and sacrifice; it’s normal.
What’s not normal is when one person now has to constantly lay down their needs, and desires, and compromise their values for the sake of the marriage.
The worst part is when you have to sacrifice weightier things like your self-respect, principles, or values.
If you find yourself bending your principles or values to maintain peace, it’s a glaring signal that you may be losing sight of who you are.
A random example – you might have strong beliefs about environmental sustainability, but you notice yourself going along with your partner’s desire for a more consumer-driven lifestyle.
Or you keep agreeing to skip events you were looking forward to because your partner wants to stay in.
You keep adjusting your life to please your partner.
Each time you compromise, it chips away at your sense of self, leaving you feeling like a shadow of your former self.
When you constantly prioritize your partner’s needs at the expense of your well-being, you lose touch with yourself.
This can happen subtly and over a long period, so you don’t notice it early.
Before you know it, you may even get to the point where you feel guilty when you have to choose yourself.
You feel guilty for spending time alone and wonder if you shouldn’t spend that time again with your partner like you always do.
This internal conflict can create a pattern where you sacrifice your needs to avoid disappointing your spouse.
If this is happening, I’m afraid you’re losing your sense of self in your marriage.
Over time, prioritizing someone else’s happiness over your own can leave you feeling empty and unfulfilled.
3. Each day just keeps passing
You know you’re losing yourself in your marriage when you are just going through the motions.
When your days blur into one another, filled with routine but lacking joy, it’s a sign that you might be just existing and not living.
All there is to you now is waking up, going to work, coming home, and collapsing on the couch day after day without any spark or excitement.
Some periods in life are like that generally, but that shouldn’t be how your entire life is set up.
The thrill of anticipation for upcoming events has faded, and it’s been replaced by a very boring and monotonous cycle.
This routine can suck out your energy and leave you feeling drained and uninspired.
4. You don’t have a say
If you notice that your thoughts and feelings are consistently dismissed, it’s a clear sign that your voice is being stifled.
You don’t have a voice anymore.
When you share your perspective on a decision, such as where to go on vacation or how to manage finances, your ideas are brushed aside without a second thought.
Or you find yourself holding back your thoughts about an issue because you fear it might lead to an argument.
This is not normal at all.
Instead of engaging in healthy communication like a normal couple, you now choose silence, sacrificing your opinions for a false sense of peace.
Over time, you might start to feel invisible, as if your opinions no longer matter in the relationship.
This is not only a sign that you’re losing yourself; it’s also a sign that you’re in an unhealthy situation.
Your opinion counts, and your voice deserves to be heard.
You shouldn’t find yourself tiptoeing around your partner to avoid disagreements.
That’s a strong indicator that you’re suppressing your true feelings.
5. You’ve lost touch with your friends
People frequently argue about whether people should maintain their single friends or cut them off when they get married.
I’ll never understand the basis of that argument because friendship is about agreement in values, lifestyle, and commitment to companionship, not about the marital status of the people involved.
So, getting married shouldn’t affect your friendship with people unless there’s a serious reason that calls for the termination of that friendship, or you both just grow apart.
If your social circle has shrunk to just your partner and their friends, it’s a sign that you may be losing yourself.
You used to have a vibrant group of friends with whom you’d share laughs, adventures, and heartfelt conversations.
But now, your outings revolve around your partner’s social calendar, and you find yourself at gatherings where you don’t quite fit in.
The joy of connecting with your friends has been replaced by a sense of obligation to be your spouse’s handbag.
Friendships are amazing.
Although they may not be as intimate as marriage, they’re almost equally important because they enrich our lives, providing support and perspective.
Losing that can create a vacant space that makes you feel increasingly lonely.
6. You’ve lost motivation
You no longer have dreams, plans, or aspirations.
All your dreams about the future have been swallowed in your partner’s own.
As I’ve reiterated a million times already in this article, it’s normal for your dreams or plans to have to be adjusted sometimes because of the changes that come with marriage.
What’s not normal is that you do not have dreams anymore.
You might not do things the exact way you planned, but you’re still doing them regardless.
I was speaking with my distant cousin just yesterday.
She shared how busy her life has gotten since she got married and had kids.
Knowing she used to have big academic plans, I asked about her academic journey, and what she shared further buttresses this point I’m making.
She shared that her preferred program of study was too demanding and would be impossible for her to handle alongside her wifely and mummy duties.
So she chose another route.
She chose a less demanding program and started with it first.
Although that required that she get another Master’s degree, she didn’t mind because she knows that life is all about adaptation and compromise in the face of change.
Her husband supported her and did his best to make this easy for her.
My point is that she didn’t just sink into marriage and lose motivation for the things she was passionate about.
When your aspirations and dreams take a backseat to your partner’s goals, it’s a sign that you might be losing touch with your ambitions.
Imagine once having a vision board filled with your hopes of traveling to new countries, starting a business, or pursuing a degree, but now those dreams have become distant memories.
Instead, your conversations revolve around your partner’s plans, leaving little room for your aspirations to take flight.
It’s so important to remember that your dreams matter, too.
7. You now dread spending time with them
Sometimes, you know that you’re losing yourself in your marriage when you start hating the time you spend with your partner or in your home.
When the thought of spending time with your partner fills you with dread rather than excitement, it’s a clear sign that something is amiss.
You’ve gotten so consumed in them that you’re now suffocating.
Maybe you’re feeling a sense of anxiety before a planned dinner or outing, wishing instead for an evening alone or with friends.
Your home starts to feel less like a sanctuary and more like a source of stress.
This is a bad place to be because it usually results from a buildup of unspoken frustrations and can lead to a brewing resentment that can ultimately explode.
8. You feel like all your good days are behind
“May we not have a better yesterday” is a prayer I often say for myself and my loved ones.
I believe that my life is meant to get better progressively.
Not because life is perfect, things will remain the same, or challenges won’t come.
But because I believe that positive things locate me, and as time passes, my strength and wisdom to handle situations as they come get better.
If you find yourself reminiscing about who you were before marriage and clinging to memories of your former self, it’s a signal that you may be losing your current identity.
Remembering the vibrant you- the one who danced in the rain, smiled often, or spent hours crafting now feels like a distant memory.
This nostalgia is sweet, but it leaves a bitter taste because you’re not content with where you are now.
It’s important to honor your past while also embracing the journey you’re on now.
You can find ways to integrate some parts of your old self that you love into your current life.
Thankfully, losing yourself in your marriage doesn’t have to be where the story ends.
You’re not a tree so you can move and begin to make adjustments in your life by communicating with your spouse and looking at the ways forward.
But first, you have to see the signs for what they are.
