9 Signs Your Marriage Is Lacking Intimacy - Olubunmi Mabel
Marriage: The most intimate relationship in this world.
It doesn’t need only love to work, it needs intimacy to create a connection that goes far beyond the physical.
Usually, when we talk about intimacy in marriage, our minds go to physical intimacy.
Well, you are not wrong to think of physical intimacy, but intimacy in marriage goes way beyond gymnastics in bed.
It is the language of love that never ceases to express love, even when the couples in love can’t verbally express it.
So, what happens when something so essential is absent in marriage?
The emptiness, the feeling of being alone even when in a crowd, the worst-case scenario of one partner seeking what is missing outside the marriage…
All these are the terrible outcomes of lack of intimacy in marriage.
I know the outcomes are scary, but I have good news for you…
You can avoid these outcomes if you can recognize the signs early and resolve the issue before it gets too late.
The signs may sometimes be hard to notice.
To help you with this task, I have curated the signs that indicate your marriage is lacking intimacy.
In addition, we will also be exploring the various ways you can rekindle the intimacy in your marriage.
Let’s do this together!
1. Conversations are shallow
You remember how it was when you started.
You guys were so in love that you had so many deep conversations about your emotions, goals, dreams, interests, and hobbies.
It was obvious that you were so curious about each other because, with knowledge about your partner, you wanted to know even more about him.
It was the same for him.
You had deep meaningful conversations about the future and what it held for you.
Now, you remember those days with nostalgia because those deep meaningful conversations have now been replaced by talks about the weather and deciding what to eat for dinner.
Conversations are now routine and mechanical, just the exact kind that characterizes conversations between strangers.
When you stop sharing your hopes, dreams, fears, and goals with your partner, it begins to feel like a gulf between you.
If this trend is not arrested, you may end up becoming strangers who just live under the same roof.
2. Physical touch becomes infrequent
I know that there are people who don’t really like to be touched.
I am one of them.
Too much touching makes me feel tired and cramped like someone is encroaching into my personal space.
This is how I feel generally, but when I was in a relationship with someone I loved, I looked forward to being touched by her.
The spontaneous hugs, kisses, and gentle touches just seemed to make me feel better even when I was having a terrible day.
A sign that intimacy has left your marriage is not being able to remember the last time your partner touched you affectionately.
It seems like the only time your partner touches is when they want to get past you or call your attention to something.
Physical touch is a powerful love language and when it is absent, the silence it leaves behind can be deafening.
If your partner no longer touches you affectionately, it may be a sign your marriage is lacking intimacy.
3. You no longer laugh together
There is so much joy and intimacy in shared laughter.
People really don’t talk about it, but when two people laugh together over something, it forms a bond between them.
A bond that can be nurtured into something stronger and deeper.
Laughter is not a scarce commodity in a happy marriage.
Successfully married couples have learned to share a laugh from time to time.
If you can’t remember the last time you laughed with your spouse, it is a sign that there is something wrong.
You either don’t share a similar sense of humor, or you don’t communicate well with your partner.
Either way, this constitutes an intimacy problem in the marriage.
Even when things are tough, you should never get to the point where it feels like your home is drained of laughter.
If you feel like this is what is happening in your marriage, it is time to reverse the trend of things.
4. Your sexual life is non-existent
Intimacy is not just about sex but a major part of it is sex…
In marriage!!
Sex is not a major part of intimacy in friendships!
Don’t get it twisted.
In marriage, a healthy sexual experience boosts the emotional connection of couples so much that they become very intimate with each other.
If your bed is just for sleeping, then it is a sign that your marriage is lacking intimacy.
You no longer make love with your partner.
And for those who still have sex with their partners occasionally, sex is beginning to feel mechanical.
It is almost like something happening between two strangers.
The synergy and passion are no longer there.
When sex just becomes routine, it is a sign that the marriage is lacking intimacy.
5. You are alone even in your partner’s company
Have you ever felt alone in a crowd?
I have and it is not a good feeling.
It feels like you are the only one in a big wide world and no one’s got your back.
It gets even worse when you feel alone with the one person in the world who is supposed to be always there for you.
Even when you are sitting side by side with your partner, it feels like you are worlds apart.
If you feel this loneliness in your marriage, it is a sign that your marriage is lacking intimacy.
6. You don’t have any shared experience or activities
Don’t get me wrong…
I don’t expect you to do everything with your spouse.
There should be a place for personal time and space.
However, the marriage begins to look like a sinking ship when it seems like you have no form of shared experiences or activities with your husband.
Look, it doesn’t need to be something as elaborate as a dinner date, a camping trip, or hiking together.
It could be something as simple as reading the same book at the same time or taking a walk together.
It could also be volunteering together.
Do something with your spouse!
Giving your partner space shouldn’t make your marriage seem like you are both on parallel tracks that never intersect.
7. You feel invisible
Remember the early days when your spouse always paid full attention to you?
Remember those times when they always sought your opinion?
Now, you look upon those days with longing because those seemed like the best time in your relationship.
Your partner always had a way of making you feel loved and valued.
You can only remember feeling that way.
What you actually feel now is neglect.
You feel like you have been abandoned by your partner.
It is almost like they don’t see you or hear you when you speak.
Basically, you feel like you are invisible to them.
This is a sign that your marriage is lacking intimacy.
Intimacy is about seeing and hearing your partner…
Sometimes, even when they don’t talk, you just know what they are going through.
8. You feel reluctant to ask for help
So, a few days ago, I needed the help of a friend of mine.
I had been out of touch with her for some months.
Because of this, I felt reluctant to approach her for help.
I was reluctant because I felt it wouldn’t be nice to ask for help after such a long time.
If you are hesitant to ask your spouse for help or support, it is a sign that your marriage is lacking intimacy.
I couldn’t reach out to my friend for help because I felt like I had lost the intimacy that would have justified asking her for that level of favor.
9. You no longer plan for the future together
This is perhaps the worst sign of lack of intimacy in marriage.
This signifies that your conversations with your spouse are now so shallow that they don’t even extend into discussions about the future.
Apart from this, it may show that an unconscious part of you seems to have given up on the marriage.
Talking about your dreams and planning for the future together is one of the signs of a healthy relationship.
When this is absent, it is indicative of a lack of shared vision.
It simply means that you have lost the ability to focus in one direction and work towards it together.
Ultimately, the signs that your marriage is lacking intimacy are those things you feel when you are lonely in your marriage.
If you can see these signs in your marriage and you are already feeling despair, don’t.
This is not an unresolvable issue.
So, here’s what you can do to resolve a lack of intimacy in your marriage.
The first thing you need to do is to introspect deeply.
What is the cause of the lack of intimacy in your marriage?
Did you get so focused on your work or other things that you left no chance for your partner in your life?
Is it the responsibility of parenthood that is driving you apart?
When you have finally discovered what the cause is, the solution is not difficult.
Talk to your spouse about what you have noticed and ask what they feel is going on and how you make things better.
Now, set about doing the right things.
If you don’t know the right things, think about those things you used to do in the beginning and start doing them again.
Put effort into your communication, be curious about your partner, resist the urge to be too familiar with your partner, and here’s the best part…
Start dating your partner again.
The fact that you are married doesn’t mean you should stop being romantic.
Be spontaneous and flexible when it comes to lovemaking.
It doesn’t necessarily need to happen/start on the bed… “Winks”.
When you start doing all these, you will discover that your marriage could feel like more than a duty.
It could be paradise.
I am not promising that everything will go fine but if you follow the tips in this article, I believe you will have the intimacy back in your marriage.
I am rooting for you!
I truly am…
