Always Behind Me - Jewell Utt
Memories of Dad resound. It’s a melody in the background of my mind that’s always playing. Sometimes a special arrangement–memory–catches my ear and I dwell there for a time. Inevitably, an immediate need of the day pushes it back. Time, in different measure for God, should render a lesson. We’ll meet again, worthy goals deserve a focused mind, nothing will compare to the reunion that awaits.
Why should the absence of a thing bring it to the forefront, when its presence allows you to carry on as usual? We notice when the laundry is not done, when the sink needs clearing, or the teacher hasn’t shown up for class. In its intended order we aren’t moved to think deeply about things. The most noticeable change we endure is the absence of relationship. The ability to call or visit anytime. The security of knowing there IS time.
The dynamics of a family change when a member is no longer present. With a parent you wonder who in the world will ever accept or love you the way they did? That unexamined knowledge provides the harmony of life. It’s a gift that deserves gratitude and notice, since many people don’t have it. For some, the death of a loved one is a welcome reprise from a highly volatile or insignificant relationship.
Another observation is of those who had no respect or good standing, yet grieve as though they have lost their best friend. I wonder at that false tribute. Is it regret for something that can no longer be grasped in this life? Most likely it’s the loss of hope and it drives people to mourn and grieve in a way that is heart wrenching.
We live in a merging season of worldly turbulence, universal acceptance of everything, Christian mockery, and the highly informed touting the lowest standards. Narcissism has never occupied a larger space in history. It makes the safe little world we’ve experienced more critically important. This is where death in this life produces loss.
Those whom you trust, the ones who have set the standard you deem to reach, no longer shore you up. They no longer walk behind you. The legacy is now yours to develop and continue. Here is the true root of loss. Fear. Your inadequacy clangs loudly in your psyche. This is where God and His sovereignty, His Spirit, His leading, and His dwelling become A Hiding Place.
He is the wisdom we learn, the discernment we follow, and the legacy we impart.
You are my hiding place; You preserve me from trouble; You surround me with songs of deliverance. Selah. I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you. Psalm 32:7-8
I miss you so much Dad, but thank you for the rich legacy of faith.
