An often overlooked command for wives is explained

By Elizabeth Prata

What are many Christian wives failing at?

Susan Heck has been teaching, worshiping, and mentoring for a long time. She travels the country teaching on various theological topics, and one of her topics is on women and the Bible’s standards for wives.

Recently she presented information at Crossway Bible Church in Kansas. The topic was Forming Faithful Friendships in Christ. The 4 sessions plus Q&A are here: Forming Faithful Friendships in Christ.

Mrs. Heck said something in one of the sessions to which my ears perked up. She said she had been married almost 46 years before her husband passed away. Her husband wanted Susan to show respect for him almost more than her submission to him. She further said that she travels all around and sees that as Christian women we may be failing at the respect mandate.

I know my husband wanted my respect almost more than my submission. ~Susan Heck, Forming Faithful Friendships in Christ, session 3

What does ‘respect’ mean?

We focus quite a bit on Titus 2 instructions because there are different demographics in the verses which apply to any number of women who read it. But Ephesians 5:33 also plainly sets out a biblical behavior standard, this time, for wives.

Nevertheless, as for you individually, each husband is to love his own wife the same as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. (Ephesians 5:33).

It’s a command. Respect the husband.

5:22 wives While the cultural model for marriage in the Graeco-Roman world emphasized male patriarchal leadership, Paul’s model is based mutual love and respect (Eph 5:28, 33) and grounded in the OT creation story (v. 31 cites Gen 2:24). Faithlife Study Bible (Eph 5:22).

So what IS this respect?

v. 33. Reverence [respect] consists of love and esteem, which produce a care to please, and of fear, which awakens a caution lest just offence be given. Henry, M. (1994). Matthew Henry’s commentary on the whole Bible.

What does this word ‘respect’ mean in context? The word is used 95 times in the New Testament. The word in Greek in the Ephesians verse is phobeomai and it means fear, dread, reverence, am afraid, terrified.

You might notice the similarity to the word phobos, from which we get the English word phobia. Phobos on Greek means “fear” or “terror.”

WHAT?! Are we supposed to be afraid of our husbands!? No, see the usage explained from the Lexicon–

Usage: The Greek verb “phobeó” primarily means to fear or be afraid. It can denote a range of emotions from terror and dread to reverence and awe. In the New Testament, “phobeó” is used both in the context of fear of danger or harm and in the sense of reverential awe towards God. The term can imply a healthy respect or acknowledgment of God’s power and authority, as well as a warning against disobedience or sin.

So the word is used in different ways. We are not to fear the husband as we submit to him. We are to reverence him.

WHAT?! Like Sarah did when she called her husband ‘lord’?

Well…yes. As Peter instructed in 1 Peter 3:5-6, not to adorn themselves with outward treasures such as gold or braided hair, but inwardly with a pure conscience and respect toward the husband-

For in this way the holy women of former times, who hoped in God, also used to adorn themselves, being subject to their own husbands, just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord; and you have proved to be her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.

Again, the word respect has many nuances and different meanings when studied. In the Ephesians verse it means a proper fear wrapped in reverence. As Christ is the head of the church we fear Him in reverent awe and respect, and since the husband is the stand-in for Christ in the home, leading with a sacrificial love that would lay down his life for his family, wives are to respect that, and fear him in the sense that Matthew Henry explained above and also below- with a reverential fear of offending.

Wives should be subject to their husbands, not from dread and amazement, but from desire to do well, and please God. ~MHenry

Lexicon again-

Paul shifted from submits (vv 22, 24) to respects (phobeomai, which means “reverence,” “fear offending”), implying that submission is the showing of respect. When a husband and wife fulfill their biblical roles, their marriage will function the way God intended. Bond, J. B. (2010). The Epistle of Paul the Apostle to the Ephesians. The Grace New Testament Commentary.

Aren’t respect and submission the same thing?

Now it must be said that submitting to and respecting the husband are two different things. Of submission and respect, a wife can do one without the other. See Wendy Alsup here-

Surprisingly enough, I did not personally have that much of a problem with the concept of submitting to my husband. But respect was much harder. I could submit and still harbor anger and bitterness. I could still put out the vibe that says, “I am disappointed in your decision-making skills.” In fact, submission without respect let me live in a delusion of self-righteousness. “I am submitting, but I do not think you know what you are doing, and I am going to continue to let you know that I do not trust you with my attitude, even though, technically, I am submitting on this issue.” Submission does not equal respect. And submission without respect brings NO honor to God. Why would God command the combination of the two?” Alsup, W. H. (2010). By His wounds you are healed: How the message of Ephesians transforms a woman’s identity (pp. 133–134).

Wives, and I’ve been a wife before salvation, we know how to seemingly acquiesce but passively aggressively disrespect him, don’t we?

So, how do we respect our husbands?

Susan Heck in her lesson on What does a Spirit Filled Marriage look Like? (and there is also a similarly titled booklet at her web store you can buy) lists 6 ways we can respect the husband. In the video she explains them but I won’t steal her thunder here, I’ll just list them.

1.Respect your husband’s work. Show an interest in your husband’s work whatever he does,
2. Respect his speech,
3. Respect his privacy,
4. Respect his eats (don’t nag him about what he eats),
5. Respect his convictions -some of you I know have unbelieving husbands but you still can graciously listen and reason with him,
6. Respect his time.

For practical resources on respecting the husband I turned to the Puritans. This is from Ligonier’s TableTalk Magazine, How did the Puritans understand marriage?

The Puritan view of marital love was overwhelmingly positive because it was informed by the Bible, the written Word of the God who instituted marriage at the time of our creation and regulated it by His commandments. As Packer says, “They went to Genesis for its institution, to Ephesians for its full meaning, to Leviticus for its hygiene, to Proverbs for its management, to several New Testament books for its ethic, and to Esther, Ruth and the Song of Songs for illustrations and exhibitions of the ideal.” They let the practices, duties, and ethics of marriage flow out of Scripture.

Ultimately the love of both husband and wife must be guided and energized by the fear of the Lord, and scripture contains all we need to use as the model and guide for marital life.

Further Resources

Susan Heck: What does a Spirit Filled Marriage look Like? (in this 1-hour teaching, Susan focuses for a bit on respecting the husband)