This post is inspired by recent conversations I have had with some men about their expectations for women, and their disappointment in how women are not meeting those expectations.
These conversations on social media platforms and in “real life” helped give me a little more insight into part of the reason why the dating scene is difficult for many.
For single sisters in Christ who encounter religious men who hold these beliefs, it should be understood that these beliefs are red flags.
Here are some concerning beliefs some men have expressed to me:
1. Respect is for men.
One thing I have noticed about men who hold this ideology is that they are obsessed with trying to get respect from people, rather than behaving themselves in a respectable way.
2. Women should be loved, men should be respected.
It’s not that women don’t need love and it’s not that men don’t need respect. But how is respect exclusive to men and love exclusive to women? In Matthew 7: 12, the Bible says that we are to do unto others as we would have them do unto us.
• We ALL are to love our neighbors as ourselves ( Matthew 22: 39). If we expect to receive respect, we should give respect. If we expect to receive love, we should give love. Very simple.
• In addition, in 1 Peter 3: 7, husbands are commanded to honor their wives, or their prayers will be hindered.
• Since when is true love independent of respect? Why should respect be reserved only for men? Why should love be reserved only for women? The two great commandments are about loving God and loving one another. Love is significant, necessary for all.
3. Wives lose their free will to their husbands.
So even God Himself does not take away free will, but a husband has the power to take away his wife’s free will? This is a control issue, paired with delusion. God gives people free will and that remains, whether they are married or single.
God does not take away men’s free will. God does not take away women’s free will. A husband cannot take away his wife’s free will, and a wife cannot take away her husband’s free will.
4. When a woman verbally disagrees with a man, she’s being contentious.
Even in my conversations with some men, they sometimes weaponize the word contentious when I don’t agree with them, and they can’t get me to go along with their opinions.
I don’t want to burst anyone’s bubble, but women, like anyone else, are entitled to our opinions. We are not doing anything wrong to express disagreement.
5. Women shouldn’t be independent.
Outside of extenuating circumstances, every adult needs to be capable of taking care of themselves. Christians will be dependent on God, but largely independent of relying on other people, until or unless they become interdependent in a healthy, marriage.
A quick reminder that men with controlling issues and general mental/spiritual unwellness are the ones who tend to become insecure or even enraged at women’s independence.
For example, some men in religious circles (yes, even in America) are upset that some women go to college.
6. Women “hit the wall” at age 30.
This is another scare and shaming tactic used by some against women who are unmarried and or childless by age 30. It implies that a woman’s value is now gone because she has hit 30.
One reason for this is that she supposedly has passed her most fertile, youthful and desirable years. It used to be that women were ushered into marriage at very young ages.
Many did not go to college or have paid labor, so they had to depend on husbands for food, clothing and shelter.
In healthy situations, this is fine. Yet, some didn’t have a route of escape from the abuse that their husbands perpetrated against them.
Now that women have more abilities to take care of themselves and are not rushing into toxic marriages, this seems to worry or anger certain types of men.
Some religious people are encouraging women not to go to college, but to hurry, get married and start having babies.
The interesting thing is, they don’t properly acknowledge that pickings are very slim for Christian women to find truly God-fearing Christian men suitable for marriage. Some men also have a difficult time nowadays finding women suitable for marriage.
A wise, noble woman is looking for a man who will be a loving, noble husband. One who is monogamous and will be a noble, present father if they decide to have children. So what is a woman supposed to do in the meantime, while she is single? Not take care of herself?
7. Women who are age 30 or over and unmarried, or are single mothers are “leftover” women.
This is simply not true, but sadly, some women believe these types of things and are depressed and/ or manipulated into choosing men unwisely as a result.
8. Women with “high body counts” do not deserve to be married and are trash because of their pasts.
While sexual immorality is wrong for both men and women, plenty men have always treated it as if it was worse for women. Some even have an attitude about it being okay for men!
The truth is, sexual immorality is sin for all (1 Corinthians 6: 9-11; 1 Corinthians 6: 18). Both men and women can receive forgiveness from God. Forgiveness happens when they confess their sins to God and repent. The blood of Jesus cleanses us from unrighteousness (1John 1: 9-10).
It is simply a matter of personal preference, whether someone prefers a virgin or not. I can understand a man who has never had sex preferring a virgin. I also understand a woman who has never had sex preferring a virgin.
However, everyone is different and there is no set rule for this. As long as people are open, honest and truly love each other is what matters.
• Some women who have married are being shamed for their sexual histories before they got married.
• Some men don’t want women being “too independent.”
• Some other men are resentful, paranoid that the women who gave up careers, married them and are keepers at home are using them for “their” money.
• Women who are cautious, careful and won’t settle are interrogated as to why they are still single and sometimes blamed for being single.
• Some women who married the wrong men are blamed for filing for divorce and are also blamed for not having chosen better.
Can women win?
What I have learned about some men is that they may not like women and certainly may not love them, but they they still desire women and need to feel needed by women and in control of women.
The truth is, men and women do need each other- but under healthy circumstances. Therefore, we should treat each other well. People should choose wisely.
With marriage rates down, with so many single mothers and so many broken and dysfunctional families, the birth rate is lower-rightfully so. Some women are more independent, because they have been shown that they could not depend on others.
Does this mean things are hopeless? No. This post is a reminder to remain hopeful but to be very careful, using wisdom.
There are still some decent people out there with right values. There are godly men and women praying for spouses and they will find each other, according to the will of God, as long as they seek and follow His direction.
As always, prayer and discernment are necessary for all life endeavors- especially, for followers of Jesus Christ.
