Couples Only — Grateful, yet Grieving
On a recent flight home from a conference, I watched the original “Karate Kid” movie. It took me down memory lane in a scene where the main character, Daniel, is at a roller rink with his girlfriend. When I was in high school, I would go to the roller rink with some friends every Saturday afternoon. We would skate when the neon sign said, “All Skate,” and sit on the bench when it said, “Couples Only.”
Being a widow takes us out of the Couples Only category. Part of the grief journey when you lose your spouse is the loss of identity of being part of a couple. There is a radical change in how you see yourself. You were seen as a couple by others, and so, of course, you saw yourself as a unit. Like going from the carpool lane to the single lane, it means we steer in a different direction.
Our identity change as a single person doesn’t happen overnight. And there will be a wave of emotions to go along with the process. When I see couples at a restaurant or at the store, I sense a deep longing for what I no longer have; envy and anger sprout up. We are human and hurting. When we are no longer invited to join the couple's events at church. It cuts deep. Our loss is magnified under the lens of a couple's world.
When I googled the percentage of widowed women, approximately 69% to 87% of women aged 65 and older are widowed. We are definitely not alone. New connections with other women are vital as we forge our new identity. Something special happens when we share a meal or connect with someone who is on the grief journey. Last weekend, I enjoyed a dance performance and a lovely meal with three friends who have each lost their spouse. We applauded, laughed, and ate together. As I went to bed that night, I had a deep sense of gratitude.
We will always miss our spouse and the life we once had. Amidst the loss, there is also the opportunity to discover what remains. We can be grateful for what we still have and discover a different life knowing we are not alone.
