How One Introvert Steps Outside His Comfort Zone

You are surrounded by people who would relish a conversation with you. Yes, you. So why don’t they engage you in conversation? Because, just like so many of us, they are not the kind to initiate a conversation. They’re silently thinking, “Sure, let’s talk … but you go first.”

I’m on a mission to change that.

People who know me might describe me as outgoing and gregarious. But I am an introvert.

Many people wrongly assume introverts are shy … wallflowers … people afraid to talk to others. I am not shy. If anyone will put a lampshade on his head at a party, it will be me. And I’m not afraid to talk to people. But I’m still an introvert.

A key difference between an extrovert and an introvert is that extroverts are energized by talking with others. It’s as if they draw energy from talking. Not so much with introverts. I enjoy talking with people, but it does drain me. After 2-3 hours of Sunday morning conversations at church—even with the requisite 2-3 cups of coffee I consume—I’m drained. When I go home, I want to sleep.

But I still go out of my way to talk to people because people need encouragement. They crave connections. So many often feel alone in a group. People need to know someone cares. That’s why I’m asking you to join me—stray out of your comfort zone, if need be—and talk to someone. Even someone you don’t know.

I don’t mean small talk. I want us to consider something more intentional than talking about the weather or how the Atlanta Braves are doing. Sure, lite topics may be an easy on-ramp, but I want a conversation that is more intentional. A causal conversation can lead to a connecting point, a way for me to encourage someone. Who knows, a friendship might even develop.

How do I do it? I ask a question. I don’t talk about myself; I ask a question or two to learn about the other person. People don’t mind talking about themselves—unless the question is too personal!—and I ask a question with a sincere interest and curiosity.

Georgie Nightingall, a conversation specialist (a job I didn’t know existed), has said that a genuine curiosity always helps. She said, “You can actually realize that you do want to know more rather than having that sense of like, I’m just asking for the sake of asking.”

This quote came from an interesting article on the subject called “How to Master the Art of Small Talk,” but I want to move beyond the parameters of this article. This article talks in broad strokes of a variety of situations, but I want to talk about “the art of conversation” with a specific goal and a specific location in mind.

The goal: encouragement. Loneliness is epidemic in our culture, and we can lift people’s spirits by just talking to them. By showing genuine interest in them, even if it initially begins with asking a seemingly random question, helps them feel valued because they feel noticed. Don’t judge their answers. Don’t offer an opinion. Don’t try to one-up them by telling your own story that outshines theirs. Just listen—and as you listen, the next question will naturally come to mind.

The location: church. The principles I have in mind can—and should—be practiced anywhere, but let’s begin with the church setting. I choose the church settings because Sunday mornings are full of lonely people, and it’s an easy place to start because you already share something in common with the person: you attend the same church, and you possibly share a faith in Christ.

“Hi. My name is Lynn.” People automatically respond with their own name.

“Are you a regular attender or are you just visiting?” No one has yet to be put off by this question, not even the senior adult who has been a member for 30 years.

“So have you lived here long?” This is an easy question that can generatre a dozen other questions. I ask long-time residents about their interests, what they do in town, what they love about the city, and so forth. I ask the newbies about where they moved from, what attracted them to our city, and so forth. I can ask where they have found the best Mexican food.

I beg you to talk to the people who sit in the church pews around you. Be intentional in talking to someone you don’t know. Have a conversation. You just don’t know the difference you will make in another person’s life.

One last note: I’ve discovered the more I do this, the easier it becomes to engage people in conversation. Experience has given me confidence. But I still want a nap afterwards.