Keep Going — Grateful, yet Grieving

By Sarah Christy

I am someone who knows grief and desires to live in the light. I am a writer and a close friend of God who prompts me to Keep Going.

I have always enjoyed words and stories and have used journaling as a way of processing my life.

My husband of 58 years died in June. He had Alzheimer’s; I cared for him as he slowly faded away. When we had his services, I wanted to tell the story of this good man who had lived life well––I believe I did.

In addition to writing a good story, I wanted to speak without wavering and without tears. I did. I was proud of myself.

The punchline comes next…relieved to have accomplished my goal, I turned quickly…unaware of a step down and crashed to the ground. My friend said you were there, then you weren’t; everyone gasped. I waved my hand, yelling, “I’m OK.” I got up and carefully walked to my seat. This is what grief does to us, one minute you are strong and feeling together, and the next you are lying on the ground needing to get back up on this journey of life. The challenge of getting up and continuing to live life fully is often hard.

While my Christian faith has supported me throughout my life, my husband’s diagnosis caused me to spend several years mad at God. I struggled to pray, read the Bible, or engage with others as part of the Christian community. I told God that I was a good person, I had already suffered the deaths of two sons, and I didn’t deserve to watch my husband die of this awful disease.

I didn’t get a direct answer from God, nor any life-changing insight. I did receive the strength to continue to go forward. I often sat looking at the sky, reminding myself of God’s love that I couldn’t feel. At bedtime, I would take out my little dog. While waiting, I developed the habit of gazing at the sky, standing alone, and feeling the fresh air on my skin. I felt comfort. This little ritual helped my soul. While I gazed at the moon, I hadn’t thought much about it. Now the ongoing changes fascinated me: a reminder of God’s omnipresent world.

I have continued to stand alone, looking at the night sky. Thankful for this big, beautiful world and knowing God is with me. I began sharing pictures of the sky, hoping to encourage others. Walking a grief journey is hard, and often we struggle to see anything good. Mr. Rogers told the children to look for the helpers around them. In grief, we need to look around for all the little things that can help us keep going.