Managing Expectations: 4 Helpful Tips When Life Isn't What You Expected

Expectations can be traps that keep us stuck in disappointment, resentment, blame-shifting, and anger.

Managing expectations can set us free!

When I was approaching my 20s, I had a clear picture of what my life would look like.

It was simplistic, general, and full of expectations of what I imagined my world would be.

Marriage and having kids were way up on my list of desires. So I figured I would find “the guy” in the not-too-distant future and get married in my mid-20s.

We’d be the perfect couple – always snuggling, gazing into one another’s eyes, never impatient, mean, or angry.

Any negative emotions would be dealt with through deep, meaningful conversations, long before friction had a chance to mushroom.

We would absolutely adore one another.

I’d have a decent career as a magazine journalist, maybe for Time or People, but I would readily give that up when the time came to have kids.

Raising kids would be blissful. Babies – maybe four or five – would come easily.

Much like the moms depicted in the ‘70s TV shows, I’d be wise but playful, organized but warm, calm, and even-tempered.

I would rarely raise my voice, and my home would feel much like a haven – inviting, soft candlelight flickering, voices tinkling with laughter, the scent of fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies wafting through the air.

Family dinner would be graced with a beautiful, wholesome, delicious meal. We would all be present, and conversation would flow naturally, lovingly around the table.

I didn’t think beyond the raising kids phase.

Though I always admired the cute old couples walking together, holding hands, and happily basking in one another’s company.

Managing Expectations: Life is Rarely What We Expect

Life has a funny way of throwing us curveballs…and usually the longer we live, the more ways life is different from what we imagined.

I’ll give you a few scenarios that might resonate.

Managing Expectations of Marriage

Just as I was about to graduate from college, I met and fell head over heels in love with this young, soulful poet, who had a two-year-old daughter and was finishing his Master’s in Fine Arts from Columbia University.

At the time I met him, he was a bit overloaded and downcast – newly out of his relationship, his father had passed away prematurely from alcohol abuse, and he was straddling parenting and gainful employment, along with his courseload.

I was a fixer, a very positive gal who believed that with a good dose of love and care, plus my sunny attitude, I was just the woman Chris needed to lift his spirits.

The fact that Chris had a daughter drew me deeper in love.

I had a wonderful, fully engaged Dad who had always made us kids a priority. So, I really appreciated Chris’s dedication.

And as an English major who aspired to be a published if not extremely famous writer, I was ga-ga over the fact that Chris was a poet and actually had a beautiful, published collection of his poems.

Reality Check

In my starry-eyed bliss, I glossed over any of the downsides of all the above until we were married…and somehow very quickly after that, the blinders fell off, and I was thinking What have I done? Is this really what marriage is all about?

For one thing, Chris was a bit of a brooder and had some unresolved pain I could not snap him out of. I felt I had failed him.

His daughter, Lauren, seven when we married, was a beautiful, creative, loving child. I adored her.

And yet, I struggled with having to share my new husband every weekend.

At the end of a long workweek, I wanted a quality connection, a little time for romance, just me and my husband. (Of course, this made me feel selfish and guilty!)

Chris was an introvert. He didn’t have nearly the social needs I had.

He was very happy to be home, enjoying a quiet, uninterrupted life that made it possible for him to have his nose in a book, write in his journal, and prepare for his next poetry workshop.

Meanwhile, these way-too-quiet-for-me nights left me feeling lonely and unloved as resentment took root.

I didn’t understand this difference between us. I thought, once we married (we did not live together before), Chris and his love would complete me.

I would feel enveloped, safe, whole. Instead, I wondered if we would make it to the end of that first year.

Managing Expectations of Motherhood

Another fantasy expectation dashed oh so quickly was motherhood.

My mother struggled with depression, anxiety, anger, and rage.

She had difficulty showing love. Screaming was a regular pitch, and harsh words were common around our home.

I had long ago vowed, I would never be like her!

And then I had sweet little babies of my own.

A few years in, the pressure was mounting. My stepdaughter, now a teenager, moved in full-time. I had a four-year-old and a two-year-old.

We had recently moved out of the city to the burbs. And my husband had a new job.

Our stress level was on an upward trajectory. I was exhausted and depleted.

One day, I was behind on getting dinner together…again.

While my kids played in the sunroom, I started banging pots around my kitchen, rushing to find the right pot for the meal I was preparing.

Muttering a few expletives as I rooted around an overstuffed, disorganized cabinet, I turned around to see my innocent daughter, eyes round with shock and dismay, “Mommy, those are not nice words.”

“Oh, honey…” I got up to reassure her. She backed away.

I was the very thing I had vowed never to be…a mom out of control!

I’d love to tell you I never repeated such behavior.

But, alas, despite my efforts to be the perfect mom, I fell short many, many times.

Managing Expectations of The Ideal Home

From as far back as I can remember, I drew pictures of the home I would one day live in.

Much like the house I grew up in, it would be in the burbs. Probably an older, sturdy Colonial with a brick foundation. Lush landscaping would grace the yard and, of course, there were window boxes!

We found the home of my dreams on a shady, tree-lined street. Brick foundation, painted upper floor, glossy shutters.

The front stoop was wide and welcoming. The double windows lent themselves to the pullback curtains that were always part of my childhood sketches.

I knew we were home the minute we walked in the door.

So far, I had been able to stay home with the kids, adding to our income with some freelance writing assignments.

Still, our finances were tight, and my husband warned, “We can live comfortably in our new home if we stick to food, clothing, and shelter. No extras!”

“Yes, of course,” I responded, with full compliance intended.

So, we ended up moving to the town I grew up in and loved.

It was an old town, filled with gracious homes, 12 miles west of New York City, with lots of city-ish flair – excellent restaurants, theaters, museums – while still being a suburb with good schools and lots of parks.

Managing Expectations When Dreams are Dismantled

What I didn’t expect was that this town I grew up in had become much more affluent.

It was superbly commutable, with easy access to buses and trains. Many people were moving in from the city. The town was changing.

In our neighborhood, younger couples with families were replacing senior couples whose kids had grown and flown.

But instead of meeting new neighbors, I watched in surprise as a parade of interior and exterior designers, plumbers, builders, and floor refinishers marched in to totally transform charming old homes into modern showpieces.

When I walked with my kids to the nearby park, it quickly dawned on me that I was the only actual mom accompanying children. Yes, the park was full of kids…but nannies brought them and were happily gathering to chat among themselves.

They nodded and smiled at me, but I wasn’t part of the group.

Where were my fellow moms? A few were working, but I discovered many were busily running school associations, volunteering in the community – mentoring, tutoring, implementing healthcare initiatives, managing food pantries.

I couldn’t participate in these admirable acts of service because I couldn’t afford a babysitter.

Here I was in the home of my dreams, feeling all alone, out of place, and genuinely like a foreigner in my own town.

Frankly, I could go on and on and on.

There was so much about life that I didn’t expect, including far more dramatic circumstances, like losing babies and my husband being hit by a car and suffering a severe traumatic brain injury.

What Happens When Expectations Are Dashed

How do we navigate a life that leads us to think, This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be!

We have to manage our expectations…and believe there is a God who has the bigger picture and has our best interests in mind.

4 Tips for Managing Expectations

Here are just a few things I’ve learned through my journey of managing expectations that might be helpful on yours.

1. Managing Expectations: Hold onto expectations loosely.

Recognize that expectations are just stories or pictures we’ve imagined.

They are not real. I’ve held tightly to my expectations. But that’s led to deeper disappointment.

Life is dynamic, and adaptability is key. If we can loosen our grip on expectations, we make room for a new picture.

Then, instead of seeing every aspect of life that looks different from what we anticipated as a catastrophe, we can take intentional time to think through: Okay, this isn’t what I expected. How can I forge a new normal based on what is?

2. Managing Expectations: Beware of “shoulding” all over yourself.

Often, our expectations are of ourselves.

We should be cooking healthier meals every night for our families.

We should be a lot further along in our careers, making more progress writing our books, getting fit, being more financially stable, a better friend.

Take an assessment. Make a list of your shoulds – get them out of your head and onto paper.

What on your list really matters? Choose one area where you’d like to move forward and determine one small step.

Bonus – Make a Got Done list. Write down and celebrate all the things you get done every day and in the bigger picture.

3. Managing Expectations: Trust that God has good plans for you.

After a series of hard and unexpected challenges, I wondered Where is God? Is all this pain and suffering going on without Him? Does He know or care?

I went to a conference and heard Fern Nichols from Moms In Prayer International speak.

Her talk was based on the Scripture in Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

This was a promise God gave to the Israelites during exile to assure them that, despite their hardships, He had good plans for them.

For me, it was like a neon sign blinking hope at the perfect time.

Those words started to shift my perspective from feeling my life was random and out of control to believing God was with me the whole time, that He saw me and heard my cries, that I had a future that was good because He is good.

4. Managing Expectations: All things work together for good.

Romans 8:28 says,

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

We are not always able to see this truth amid circumstances that are not what we pictured.

But there is gold to be mined within our hardships.

We grow through our struggles. Detours set us on new paths we’re meant to travel.

Obstacles unfold as opportunities.

We change in good ways that we couldn’t have any other way.

I can’t say I would repeat every disappointment or devastation I’ve experienced over my many years on Earth.

I can say that in the big picture, I wouldn’t change my life.

I don’t believe God designs every painful experience. But I do believe He’ll use them for His purposes…those I can see and those I can’t.

That marriage I entered into 41 years ago? My expectations were fluffy, romantic, and unrealistic.

What I’ve got now is a deep and abiding relationship that has grown and stretched both of us into better people.

We know each other’s greatest strengths and weaknesses…and we love each other anyway.

We know love, forgiveness, mercy, joy, commitment, intimacy, support, respect, faith, and friendship that doesn’t compare to the picture I had conjured up so many years ago.

Often, the life we are meant to live comes when we release the one we thought we’d live.

Dashed expectations force us to adapt to a new normal that can be far better than anything we could’ve imagined.

Managing Expectations on YouTube

Get to know Elise as she shares four tips for managing expectations on YouTube. Click here!

Author

Elise Daly Parker

Elise Daly Parker is a life coach, writer, and speaker. Elise has co-authored the devotional book Unshakable Peace in an Unsteady World and Life Changing Stories. Find her at EliseDalyParker.com and on Instagram and Facebook with the handle EliseDalyParker.