People Like You More Than You Think

It’s the school cafeteria and you’re in the eighth grade. You walk into the dining area just as a whole table of your peers start laughing. THEY’RE LAUGHING AT ME! runs through your head. Never mind that Leroy Kolawoski just snorted milk out his nose; you’re convinced kids are laughing at you.

OK, so maybe that’s just me, but you’ve likely had those nights in which you laid in bed replaying that awkward moment in a meeting … that time a group of friends forgot to include you in a game night … that comment you made in a Bible study group which was met with silence … that time … well, any time you said or did something that made you think others didn’t like you.

Maybe it’s a self-esteem issue. Or maybe it’s just a part of our fallen human nature. We perceive others are playing favorites—and we’re not the favorite.

Playing favorites is flat-out wrong, and Scripture is clear on that. James 2 calls favoritism what it is: a sin. And Scripture gives us examples of the negative consequences of showing preferential treatment. The principle is clear: don’t play favorites.

But what about when others may be playing favorites … and you’re not included? That impression is often not true. Many times, we may think someone doesn’t like us, but reality says something different.

People like you more than you think.

Harvard Business Review reported on a study of this very issue. The researchers looked into what people think others think about them. The study entailed putting two people together who had never met. Afterward, the researchers would ask the participants to tell how much they thought the other person liked them.

“Time and time again, we found that people left their conversations with negatively biased feelings about the impression they made (‘I’m pretty sure that I liked them more than they liked me.’). That is, people systematically underestimate how much their conversation partners like them and enjoy their company — an illusion we call the ‘liking gap.’”[1]

Too many of us tend to think negatively about ourselves, so we assume others think the same way about us. And placing that false opinion on others can only fuel a downward spiral in ourselves. This can also prevent us from interacting with the person as we should. You’re less likely to speak up during a Bible study if you think others in the room won’t like what you say. You’re less likely to talk with them over lunch. You’re less likely to work alongside them on a service or ministry project.

That’s sad … and it becomes sadder if, because you shy away from the person, he thinks you don’t like him.

My wife was convinced there was a woman in our church who didn’t like her. I was sympathetic, but I disagreed. So I arranged a Sunday lunch with her and her husband. My wife left that lunch full of chips and salsa and a fondness for this woman. They got along great. (I knew that would happen, but I wisely avoided the “I told you so” comment.)

I’m not throwing this on my wife. I have a close friend I worked alongside for years that I initially was convinced wouldn’t give me the time of day. But a change in work assignments threw us together, and I discovered I was grossly wrong. Someone I held at arm’s length became someone I traveled with and with whom I could talk about anything. (In fact, our families are getting together tonight for dinner.)

Ignore that false perception that someone doesn’t like you. In fact, find ways to encourage them. Spend time with them.

But even if someone truly is playing favorites and it’s obvious he really doesn’t like you, that doesn’t change who you are or how you are loved by the One whose opinion of you truly matters.

If God is for us, who is against us? He did not even spare his own Son but gave him up for us all. How will he not also with him grant us everything?… For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Rom. 8:31-32,38-39).

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This post supports the study “Isaac and Rebekah: Family Favorites” in Bible Studies for Life and YOU.