Responding to Wounding Words After a Miscarriage
She wakes up to the sight of used tissues on her nightstand. Her heart sinks as the reality of her circumstances—her grief—settle in once again. Her baby is gone. The one who, just a few days ago, was nestled in her womb is no longer there, leaving her bereaved. With all the emotional strength she can muster, she slides her legs out of bed and begins to dress for church.
As she and her husband walk into the sea of familiar faces, an acquaintance approaches. “How are you doing?” the woman asks.
“Honestly, I’m really sad,” she quietly replies.
“Oh, don’t be sad. Miscarriage is so common. You’ll have another baby.”
The words cut through her heart like a jagged knife, hitting so many nerves at once it’s hard to breathe. She smiles politely and heads to the bathroom, holding back her tears until she reaches the safety of a stall.
Maybe you’ve experienced something similar? I know I did as I walked through the loss of three babies. Women who miscarry can begin to feel like a dart board as the wounding words of those around them are flung directly at their center. The analogy breaks down because those who say the words are often not looking to wound; they don’t even realize they’re throwing darts. They don’t understand the implications of what they’re saying.
How do we respond to the hurtful things people say to us when we are reeling from losing a baby? How can we honor God in our response? We have a choice. We can either graciously explain why someone’s words have hurt us or we can choose to overlook the offense.
Believing the Best
The list of painful comments women receive about their miscarriage is long. Here are a few that are highly common:
“At least it was early.”
“At least you know you can get pregnant.”
“Maybe it was a baby with special needs and God was sparing you.”
“You’ll have another baby.”
“Do you think you drank too much coffee?”
“Why are you so sad? I had a miscarriage, and I wasn’t that sad.”
“Miscarriage is so common. You’ll be okay.”
This list is not exhaustive, but if you have faced miscarriage and shared it with others, you likely have heard many of these at some point. It can be especially hard to hear words like these spring from the lips of fellow believers. To feel hurt is normal, but we must learn what to do with that hurt. The temptation toward bitterness looms large, and we must fight it (Eph. 4:31–32).
One way we can guard our hearts against bitterness is to believe the best about the other person. Though it doesn’t make what they said okay, we must remember that most people want to help the grieving. They aren’t intentionally seeking to harm us.
Furthermore, they likely don’t know what to say. Many of us have not been equipped to know how to help women grieving the loss of a baby in the womb. Believing the best—that our sisters love us and want to help—softens our heart toward them, helping us to show grace.
But this doesn’t mean we can’t help them grow in their understanding of how to come alongside those walking through this gut-wrenching loss.
Confronting Wounding Words in a Loving Way
If our sister’s words are affecting our relationship with her, we must pursue reconciliation (Matt. 18:15). She likely has no idea that what she said caused us pain.
Yet there’s another God-honoring reason to lovingly confront those who have said hurtful words—one that takes our eyes off ourselves and looks at the big picture. We can correct unhelpful statements not out of hurt but out of a desire to come alongside fellow believers. We can help them understand how to glorify God by refining their speech and becoming comforters to those suffering a miscarriage. In doing so, we bring awareness to this grief and help the church know how to respond.
When someone tries to put a positive spin on our grief by saying “at least you can get pregnant,” we can kindly explain that while it is a blessing to be able to conceive, we lost an actual baby—an image bearer of God that cannot be replaced. Even if we were to conceive again, that baby would not wipe away the grief of the one we lost.
We might even gently ask them if they would say this to a woman who just lost her newborn. Our motive should never be to shame someone but to equip them with a better way to interact with their grieving sisters—a way that honors their sister in Christ, the baby who was lost, and the God who created us all.
But we don’t have to confront wounding words every time we hear them.
Overlooking Wounding Words
When I was pregnant with my second earthside son, a doctor asked me how many children I have. Like many women, I’ve always struggled with how to answer this question. I fumbled over my words saying, “Well . . . I have one living child and three I lost to miscarriage. And I’m pregnant with our fi—”
“So, you have one child.” She cut me off.
The words hit like a jolt of lightning that traveled through my nervous system. In one fell swoop, she had devalued the lives of all my unborn babies. That afternoon, I didn’t have the emotional capacity to explain to this doctor how her words had hurt me.
Have you had similar experiences? Things were said and feelings were hurt, but you simply chose to overlook and pour grace on people’s words for your own sanity. We have the freedom to do this. We don’t have to correct every single untruth spoken to us.
Proverbs 19:11 reminds us that “good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense” (ESV). Sometimes we have to let things go, remembering that the Holy Spirit does the work of convicting and reforming others—whether they are an unbelieving doctor or a sister in Christ.
We can still actively pursue speaking about miscarriage in a more biblical way by praying that the Spirit convicts those who have said hurtful things and teaches them a better way.
Growing in Grace
Whether we silently overlook or gently correct, we should be gracious in our response. Everyone who walks the earth (aside from Jesus, of course) has said hurtful things. You. Me. Everyone. We must be ready and willing to forgive others as we have been forgiven (Eph. 4:32).
We often want our loved ones and church families to give us grace as we face the loss of an unborn baby, but few things in my life have pushed me to grow in giving grace to others like miscarriage has. The opportunities are plenty. Our friends and acquaintances will need our grace as they fumble over our loss.
Thankfully, we are not alone. The Spirit guides us. We can pray for His wisdom to know when to confront hurtful words and when to let them dissipate, choosing to cover them with grace. He goes before us in our battle against bitterness when others have caused us pain. And He comforts us in those times. God sees and cares about your loss. He values your baby and validates your grief. When the words of others cut to your core, run to Jesus. He welcomes your tears; He is tender toward your weeping.
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