Rethinking Fatherhood
The more psychologists study what is going on in today's home, the more documentation there is defining the dilemma of being, and having, a dad.
It was Billy Sunday, the famous evangelist from the early 1900s, who said, “Give a child a good mother and any old stick will do for a dad.”
Well, this minimizing of dad's role may find support among many, but it simply isn't true—something which, with the tragedy of his own wayward son, Billy Sunday later learned in a very personal, painful way.
Fathers are more than biologically incidental and economically necessary to the well-being of their children. Studies reveal that much of a child's character, perceptions of reality, disposition towards the future, and even their thoughts about God are greatly impacted by their relationship with their father.
Martin Luther, the leader of the Reformation, grew up experiencing the reproaches of an abusive father. And as a result, he couldn't even bring himself to pray, “Our Father which art in heaven ....”
Fathering Takes Time
In his book, The Future of the American Family, researcher-statistician George Barna points out that the average father will have only fifteen minutes of significant interaction with his children during the course of a week.
There are 168 hours in a week—and out of that the father can only manage 15 minutes?
There's a price for this neglect!
A recent study examining the major influences on a child's life found that Mother was first and a distant second, third and fourth were such things as school, friends and TV—while Dad showed up in sixth place!
But there's also a reward for fathers who will give their children time!
In his book, The Making of a Man, Richard Exley relates the story of a successful attorney who said:
The greatest gift I ever received was a gift I got one Christmas when my dad gave me a small box. Inside was a note saying, “Son, this year I will give you 365 hours, an hour every day after dinner. It's yours. We'll talk about what you want to talk about, we'll go where you want to go, play what you want to play. It will be your hour.”
This lawyer went on to say, “My dad not only kept his promise, but every year he renewed it—and it's the greatest gift I ever had in my life. I am the result of his time.”
Fathers mustn't take refuge in the idea that the amount of time they spend with their children isn't as important as quality time. Recent studies confirm what common sense has long known: The quantity of time very much affect the overall quality of family life.
If there are only snippets of time to be together, occasionally interlaced in an otherwise absentee-parent scenario, that can't possibly do for the child what the father thinks.
When James Boswell, the famous biographer, reached the zenith of his writing career, he was asked to identify those influences that contributed to his greatness.
His immediate and most frequent response recalled what happened during those fishing times he and his father used to enjoy.
Later, a researcher leafed through the father's diary (in those days it was customary for men to keep one), only to discover entries like this: “Went fishing with my son. Day wasted.”
Little did this father know that the investment of time with his son—the walks, the talks, the common joys that they shared—was hardly a waste!
Molding Character
One of the most awesome responsibilities a father has involves shaping the character of his children. Just how decisive the father's role can be is illustrated in the family histories of two men—Max Jukes and Jonathan Edwards.
Max Jukes lived in up-state New York two centuries ago. Neither he nor his wife were Christians.
From this marriage came 1,026 descendants, a hundred of whom ended up as alcoholics. Another hundred went to prison. A hundred-ninety became public prostitutes. And three hundred died prematurely.
From all that could be learned of this family history, there were no notable achievements or accomplishments.
By contrast, Jonathan Edwards and his wife, living at that same time also in New York, were committed Christians devoted to the task of shaping their children's character for Christ.
This marriage produced 729 descendants, three hundred of whom became preachers of the gospel. Another 65 became professors. Thirteen became university presidents. Sixty became authors, three became congressmen and one became the Vice-President of the United States.
One might think that over such a long span of time, that family histories wouldn't be that divergent, that each would have a mixture of both good and bad.
But this is what is so important to understand: A child's family is easily the most important single influence in his or her life! In fact, nothing else even runs a close second! For good or for bad, it is the home that molds personality and character.
So much is at stake here. The influence these fathers exert will ripple all the way to the shores of Eternity.
Imparting Spiritual Values
When it comes to religion, many fathers will say, “I don't get into that with my kids. They can choose for themselves when they are of age.”
But are these fathers as tolerant when it comes to their kids taking a bath, or brushing their teeth, or doing their homework, or eating the right foods?
They are not.
Unfortunately, even Christian fathers think that because they are Christians and their children do go to church that somehow, in the end, it will work out all right.
But is this premise valid?
Maybe not. Scripture speaks of religious men who were bad dads.
One of these is Eli, who was the high priest, no less. I Samuel 3:13 said his sons made themselves contemptible.
Made themselves? Where was Eli's influence?
This same verse reports that Eli knew about it, yet failed to restrain them.
He just wouldn't say no to the little darlings. Oh, no. I'm busy right now doing the Lord's work.
David, the psalmist and king, was the father of Amnom, a rapist—and David did nothing.
Absalom committed murder while David was absent. David's son. Adonijah, schemed to get the throne, and David never rebuked him (I Kings 1:6).
Apparently, for these men, their proximity to the work of God assured nothing when it came to the outcome of their children’s spiritual lives.
The prophet Samuel's sons accepted bribes for personal profit. The high priest Eli's sons brought broad reproach to Israel. King David's sons scandalized the nation with gross immorality.
So, priest, prophet, or king; it doesn't matter how high our calling is. Fathers are not immune to their kids turning out bad unless they get much more involved with their spiritual lives.
Proverbs 22:6 declares, “Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it." This is a wonderful guarantee. But don't be thinking that bringing your child to church will discharge this responsibility. It won’t. It doesn't.
And don't be thinking that because prayers are said at mealtimes and reference to the Bible is occasionally made in family conversations that that constitutes the training that will preclude a falling away. It doesn't.
To train a child means first ushering the child into a relationship with the Lord; and, second, showing the child—by teaching not just example—how to bring each dimension of daily life under the lordship of Jesus.
Much of the book of Proverbs constitutes a father's instruction to his son regarding the ways of God.
But is this a legacy fathers are passing on to their children today?
Yes, children are a treasure from the Lord. Therefore, it is up to fathers to protect this treasure.
Fathers, are you doing that?
