How to Love Your Neighbor Who Had a Miscarriage - Amy Lively
Guest Post by Christina Reynolds
What do you say when there are no words? The intangible loss of miscarriage leaves a gaping wound, and thoughtless or careless words can add to the pain. In this guest post, Christina Reynolds shares how she found healing during this painful time, and offers wisdom when your neighbor, friend or family has experienced the sadness and sorrow of miscarriage.
Nothing can prepare you for losing a child.
I lost my second child to a miscarriage. It was, hands down, one of the most traumatizing and painful points in my life. I knew a lot of women who had experienced the pain of miscarriage and had heard it was fairly common, but no one really ever talked about the physical and emotional pain and guilt that plagues women after a miscarriage.
I was 10 weeks pregnant when I felt like something was wrong. I went to see my midwife and checked for a heartbeat. There wasn’t one. I couldn’t believe it at first. It felt like a horrible dream I couldn’t wake up from.
I went to see my midwife and checked for a heartbeat. There wasn’t one.
A few days after the news, my body naturally gave birth. It took five hours of excruciatingly painful labor in the middle of the night to produce my tiny baby.
There is such a strong and beautiful connection between mother and child; no matter how small the child is. I didn’t truly understand this until I saw my little baby, the size of a lima bean. I realized I would not get to see this child grow up, learn what she likes and dislikes, or cheer her on in her dreams…
Thoughts of confusion, shame, and guilt wracked my mind and heart. Was it my fault? Did I do something wrong? Why was I being so emotional? Wasn’t the baby too small for me to care? I was ashamed to tell anybody and felt foolish to grieve.
I was ashamed to tell anybody and felt foolish to grieve.
There were a few well meaning but unhelpful phone calls that followed the news of my miscarriage. Caring but unknowingly insensitive friends tried their best to comfort me by saying things like “Maybe God did this for a reason…” or, “Maybe God will raise the baby from the dead.”
Don’t get me wrong, I believe God is fully able to turn all things around for the good, and He is absolutely able to raise people from the dead. But immediately spouting the right “Bible answers” and “religious rhetoric” doesn’t acknowledge the pain of real and tragic loss.
The right “Bible answers” and “religious rhetoric” don’t acknowledge the pain of real and tragic loss.
What was most helpful in the midst of the immediate despair of grief was to have others legitimize my pain and mourn with me. Mourning is a necessary thing I believe God intended for human beings to go through in order to find closure and healing.
Even Paul said to “mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15).
The most encouraging moments didn’t come from the “right” words but from kind actions. Multitudes of flowers were dropped off on my doorstep and meals were brought for us. These simple gestures showed me I wasn’t alone and my friends and loved ones were there for my family and me.
The most encouraging moments didn’t come from the “right” words but from kind actions.
I found myself pushing into the unwavering goodness of God. I hid in His arms and just cried and cried. I felt the comfort of the Holy Spirit in such a tangible way. I felt God mourning with me. At the end of the day, it was my Father in heaven who gave me peace and comfort in my time of need.
We buried my baby on an Easter Sunday and the power of the resurrection had never been so real to me as on that day. I believe with confidence I will see my baby one day. I believe my Father in heaven is taking good care of my baby until we are reunited in the sky. This brings me so much comfort when I think about the goodness and mercy of our Father. He is the best dad in the whole world, and he is watching over our children!
I recently wrote and recorded a song called “Lullaby” in remembrance of my child and also for women who have experienced the loss of a child. My prayer is that this song will bring comfort and hope to many.
If you have ever experienced the loss of a child or a loved one, know this is not the end of the story! Be free to grieve! Be free from guilt and shame! And know we have a hope that is eternal and indestructible.
Christina Reynolds is a soul/jazz music artist and worship leader who has had the privilege of leading worship around the world. She has been featured on a number of albums and has recorded two full-length albums of her own. Christina is passionate about creating honest and beautiful music that empowers, heals, and gives glory to Jesus. Christina currently lives in Missouri with her husband, CJ, and their two children, Joshua and Nikki.
