10 Subtle And Not So Subtle Signs A Married Man Has Not Been Sexually Active - Olubunmi Mabel

Marriage is the lawful institution for sexual intimacy, so it may seem kind of awkward that a married man is sexually inactive.

However, it does happen.

It is possible, whether due to a relocation-induced long-distance relationship, his wife being medically unavailable, or the couple having unresolved issues, amongst other factors.

As a matter of fact, my vibrant marriage went through a dry spell after the birth of my second baby.

Dealing with the effects of a traumatic C-section, side effects of family planning, and the fear of being pregnant again scared me from bedroom activities.

My super understanding husband didn’t pressure me but was more concerned about my well-being during this period.

I will be sharing some of my and our experiences in that period as we dissect the topic and reveal the subtle and not-so-subtle signs a married man has not been sexually active in this article.

1. Anger

Sexual tension tends to compile when a married man isn’t sexually active.

This could make him the exact opposite of his true self.

He may even display this anger and frustration at work and towards other people.

No wonder Chinua Achebe said, “So long as the bed shakes regularly, the home is at peace.”

You may find that he is angrier than usual and always has a grouse on the littlest of things.

Imagine your husband coming to a knife fight with an AK47… yeah that’s what it looks like.

His anger will be laced with so much irritation and an undiscerning woman may think he is resentful.

The guy is just dealing with strong forces, my dear.

Like Nigerians on the street like to say, “Konji na bastard!” (sexual urges are vicious).

2. Socially awkward

A married man who has not ‘had some’ in a while may become socially awkward.

Unlike in the days of yore when he was the life of the party, the metamorphosed version of him will be unsure and may goof here and there in social meetings.

He may avoid and repel physical contact and refrain from hugs.

This is especially true if the dry spell has lasted very long.

3. He may become emotionally unavailable

In my own opinion, this shouldn’t be the case, but it happens.

My argument is that sex is a component of intimacy, and even without penetrative sex, there are other ways couples can pleasure each other and nurture their intimacy.

Sexual downtime shouldn’t mean intimate downtime. 

However, when there is an absolute downtime in intimacy, the man may gradually become emotionally guarded and unavailable.

Sex is one of those things that makes people vulnerable.

That is why the bible quotes it as “naked and not ashamed.”

But a man who has not been sexually active may find being vulnerable hard.

He may need help in building the emotional connection again.

I have heard stories of couples who were separated for years due to relocation.

They later reunited but found the emotional and physical connection hard to attain because of the dry spell.

4. Feel more tempted by the opposite sex

I don’t buy into the narrative that “men are scum.”

Or that “men are naturally promiscuous.”

I believe these are one-sided narratives that have excused men from the responsibility of faithfulness and stereotypes that have made some men act in ways that only animals are permitted to.

What I mean is that men have a choice when it comes to fidelity or infidelity, and their erection shouldn’t necessarily dictate their direction if they choose to exercise their will.

In any case, for the purpose of this topic, I must admit that many married men who are not sexually active become more easily tempted by the opposite sex.

I recall my husband sharing how, during our dry spell, he found himself staring unusually at a lady in a short, tight skirt at his office.

According to him, it took his willpower to turn his gaze away, and he realized how vulnerable he was at the time.

I appreciated his honesty, and we explored more ways to be intimate and sort out other healing options.

He also became more guarded around the opposite sex to leave no room for temptation.

A married man who has not been sexually active may have more desire for it and notice the opposite sex more.

5. Easily aroused

This is very similar to the previous point.

A married man who has not been sexually active may get more frequent erections.

Just the thought of the good ol’ days of romping beneath the sheets may get him hard.

Talking about how much you love him may get him erect and ready.

A casual movie where a couple is kissing may even get his erection up.

During our dry spell, my husband was easily aroused.

Just seeing me or hearing my voice would cause some interesting reactions.

Of course, we did a lot of foreplay and were intimate in ways that we could at the time.

6. Overserious with work

A married man who is not sexually active may become overactive in other areas of his life.

A good example is his work.

He may become immersed in work and a workaholic overnight.

This is because he is trying to redirect his energy to something else.

My husband once told me about one of the senior managers in his organization who worked almost round the clock and sometimes slept in the office.

He was always unhappy during public holidays or weekends.

This wasn’t just a one-off thing, but it became his default.

In fact, he started expecting others to work like him and nagged at them for going home to rest.

It was obvious that the man didn’t have a home to go to and probably didn’t have an active sexual life, so his work became his new wife and life.

7. Nerves!

A married man who has not been sexually active may become very nervous, especially when he is alone with the opposite sex.

Similarly, he may be clumsy and overly nervous in situations with his wife, where he is supposed to be cool, calm, and collected.

I swear, nerves can be the enemy sometimes!

In fact, when he and his wife finally get to go all the way, he may be a bundle of nerves, acting like an unsure first-timer and being overly sensitive.

8. Overeager when he comes close

A married man who has not had sex in a while may be overexcited when he is about to get intimate with you.

He would come on strongly on you and rather too passionately because he has missed this!

Imagine how you’d drink water after being thirsty for days… lol!

He may kiss you like he will swallow your entire mouth or eagerly skip foreplay because his erection and all his senses are screaming GET IN!

9.  Ejaculate early

As a follow-up to the previous point, when he gets in, don’t be surprised if he ejaculates earlier than before.

This is because he is over-excited and can barely control himself.

It is one of the signs that he hasn’t been sexually active.

In fact, premature ejaculation may happen a couple of more times until he stabilizes and gets back in control again.

Similarly, a married man who previously had an inactive sexual life may get horny frequently and have a very high libido for a while until he stabilizes again with frequent sex.

10. Wet dreams

A married man who has not been sexually active may start having frequent wet dreams again.

Wet dreams happen when a man ejaculates while sleeping.

It is more common with unmarried men who are abstaining from sex. 

It is a natural occurrence, even though it could be confusing for some people.

However, when a married man is not sexually active, he may start having it frequently because his testicles will keep making sperm, and the prostate gland will keep making semen, and it will have to be emptied out once in a while. 

Since he is not sexually active, his body may expel it through wet dreams.