5 Green Flags to Look for When Seeking a Spouse
I think I’ve established the importance of contentment and living a full life when considering a life partner enough in previous articles. This removes any desperation that would cause us to make a life-altering decision out of desperation rather than discernment.
Discernment allows us to make good choices that will be more beneficial to us in not only the short term but the long term. Both men and women need to practice discernment. Below are 5 green flags to look for when considering a spouse. These green flags are inspired by my 3rd book, “Patterns of the Heart: Discernment in Choosing a Potential Spouse.”
Someone Who is Committed to Growth and Perseverance
We all know that marriage is work. Also, we know that life happens. This means that there will be difficulties that occur outside of the control of the married couple. All of these things and more create pressure on an already strenuous process of marriage—where two people are becoming one.
This is growth accelerated. Growth is often uncomfortable and the older we get growth isn’t always celebrated. Will your chosen spouse have enough perseverance not to give up on the marriage, God, or any other goals that require them to persevere? We cannot foretell our futures, but we can at least seek for the quality of perseverance in our potential spouse.
Asking the potential partner about their experiences with disappointment can be a way to get a peek into perseverance. We can also ask people who are close to them, like siblings or parents, to share examples of perseverance or when they’ve seen examples of growth in our love interest.
Finally, it’s more important to observe the character of a person than to only ask them. In your experience of simply being a friend to a love interest—what are some examples of perseverance you’ve seen yourself in his/her life? If you see examples without having to ask that’s even better.
On the other hand, someone who isn’t committed to growth and is only seeking to be comfortable may not be a good pick for a spouse. These are the people who may leave when things get difficult. I’ve heard stories of spouses leaving when their partner has become sick and other stories of partners staying and taking extra care of the ill spouse.
You get to choose now what’s important in considering that potential spouse and perseverance with a commitment to growth is near the top of the list.
Someone Who Takes Accountability
OMG! I cannot explain enough how important this one is. We all know the scripture: Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy. Also, those who forgive will be forgiven. However, someone who refuses to take accountability focuses on the errors of others without taking responsibility for their own.
In doing so, they create a culture of hardness and bitterness. The non-accountability-taking partner sits on their high-horse of perfection either consciously or unconsciously belittling the other partner. To not take accountability but to require it is belittling. If someone does this because they aren’t healed—it’s imperative that they seek healing so they can be in a healthy relationship. No one wants to be belittled within a relationship. It’s selfish.
To have a relationship with someone like this is nearly impossible. This relationship can become like walking on eggshells for the partner committed to accountability while the other isn’t. There is an imbalance there that prevents the relationship from being reciprocal.
Healthy relationships are reciprocal. Marriage is an opportunity for husbands and wives to take turns showing Christ’s grace and forgiveness toward one another. After all, marriage is a great mystery metaphorically representing Christ and the church per Ephesians 5.
In this relationship, the man gets his inner-most need met, respect and the woman gets her inner-most need met, love. That is an example of reciprocity.
Accountability should be reciprocal. Both the husband and the wife need to humble themselves and take accountability for their actions. This sews the relationship together. Safely, from any potential breaches made from former hurts, contention, strife, or misunderstandings. When you see this consistently in operation in your potential partner, you are on your way.
Someone Who Respects Your Boundaries and has Healthy Boundaries of Their Own
Two healthy people can more easily complement one another instead of bleeding on one another due to being unhealthy. Having healthy boundaries is a pattern of being a healthy individual. Dr. Henry Cloud explains boundaries as defining where you begin and where you end. In other words, you show how far you are willing to go or to allow others to go with you.
This may include your time, commitments, spending, the decision not to spend, or anything that belongs to you. Boundaries are ways for us to show respect to ourselves. Not only do we protect ourselves physically with boundaries but emotionally and spiritually as well.
In essence, it shows others how to respect us as well. Finally, it’s a form of protection, value, and care. When you master this for yourself and others take cues from your boundaries and begin respecting you too—they may be a keeper.
People who attempt to manipulate you out of your boundaries making you feel guilty for having them are not a good catch. That should show you they have selfish motives. Remember that love seeks not its own according to 1 Corinthians 13. Instead, it is willing to protect.
As a matter of fact—the scripture says love always protects. Look for this in a partner that you’d like to consider. Remember these tips go for both men and women. If a woman is attempting to make a gentleman spend all of his money on her instead of using wisdom by investing, saving, and building a legacy—she may not be the one, brothers. Also, a woman who doesn’t protect her suitor emotionally but embarrasses him with no regard for his feelings may not be a catch.
Someone Who Values Family and Other Values You May Have Shows Green Flags
We need to be with someone with similar interests to us. Even more important, are similar values. If we value family—we don’t want to be with someone who does not. The priorities are too different. This will cause immediate friction. Evaluate your values realistically before dating. If you’re already friends with the one you’re interested in—you should have a good idea what their values are. Hint: Friendships first make for solid foundations for romantic relationships.
Perhaps, that’s why you decided to be such close friends with them because your values complement one another. Your values normally determine your non-negotiables. Non-negotiables are necessary to create a template or vision of what you want and do not want prior to dating.
This way, before the emotions kick in, you’re clear on what would cause you to walk away from someone. Popular values among Christians are abstinence until marriage. For example, both parties dating should be committed to abstinence individually. Someone should not try to ride your abstinence coat-tail to become abstinent themselves.
Obedience to God is a personal walk. Other examples of values could be how you value money, spending, discipline, how you’d like to raise kids, if you want to have kids. If these things align, you may have some green flags.
Someone Who Fears and Loves God
This is first and foremost. Hashtag Matthew 6:33 in this. You know what it says, “Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these other things will be added unto you.” This was specifically in reference to some things that God’s children were concerned about. For example, what they will eat, drink, and wear as clothing. Scripture tells us not to worry about these things. They will simply be provided as we seek God first and his kingdom values and kingdom plan first.
This is why we have to be careful with various strategies provided to find someone for us. If it isn’t in alignment with God’s kingdom assignment for us individually, it’s pointless.
Therefore, we should seek the Lord first and allow him to give us peace for where he’s assigned us. Some of us God has assigned to be single longer for his kingdom purpose and we have to be okay with that. The flip side of that is if God’s kingdom agenda for us does eventually include a spouse—the spouse will be provided. Somehow and someway, God will lead us to him or her.
Just as we acknowledge God and fear God in all of our ways, we should seek for our spouse to do the same. Hashtag green flags.
Many of these green flags and questions asked are from my book, “Patterns of the Heart: Discernment in Choosing a Potential Spouse.”
