8 Things Married Men Do When They’re Feeling Insecure - Olubunmi Mabel

I like to think that I have a healthy sense of self-worth.

In fact, people have mistaken my sense of self-worth for overconfidence.

So, you can imagine my shock when I started feeling insecure at some point in my relationship.

I couldn’t believe it.

I tried to deny it, but at some point, I couldn’t.

I had to accept that I was feeling insecure and discuss my feelings with my partner.

The fact is that insecurity can creep into any relationship.

Even the most solid marriages.

When a married man is feeling insecure in his marriage, his behavior changes in many subtle and not-so-subtle ways.

He may seem like he is just acting up or being unnecessarily testy, but if you can recognize the things men do when they feel insecure, you will be able to pinpoint the cause of his behavior and how to deal with it.

Here are some of the things married men do when they are feeling insecure.

1. He constantly seeks reassurance

Insecurity is usually caused by the fear of the unknown.

When a married man is insecure, he begins to doubt the veracity of his wife’s marital vows.

He is wondering if she truly wants to stay with him till “death do us part.”

And because of this fear, he is plagued by uncertainty.

He doesn’t know if she loves him anymore.

He doesn’t know if he is still attractive to her.

Because he doesn’t know, he seeks constant reassurance all the time.

He needs to hear those words over and over again to believe them.

So, he may ask questions like, “Do you love me?” or “Are you happy in this marriage?”

When he asks these questions, he expects you to reassure him and tell him that your feelings have never changed and you still love him.

He wants you to tell him how being married to him is the best thing that ever happened to you.

He doesn’t want you to deflect the question or mention that you had just answered a similar variant of the question just a few days before.

Such a reply is counterproductive because any other response apart from a reassuring one will make him feel even more insecure.

This is because an insecure husband is a naturally suspicious person.

His need for constant reassurance is fueled by the fear that he is not good enough for you.

So, dear wives, don’t be weary of reassuring your husband even as you work towards a long-term solution for his insecurity issues.

2. He gets very jealous when you interact with friends

Remember when I said, “An insecure husband is a naturally suspicious person”?

Well, insecurities have a way of making a person behave irrationally.

One of the irrational behaviors that an insecure husband may exhibit is jealousy.

Now, don’t get me wrong; jealousy is not bad when it is just a little.

However, we know that too much of everything is bad.

So, irrational levels of jealousy exhibited by insecure husbands are also not good for their marriages.

When a married man is insecure, he starts viewing his wife’s interactions with others as suspicious.

He is especially concerned with all her correspondence with males.

This can be really tough on a faithful wife.

Consider this scenario…

You are the faithful wife of an insecure husband who keeps on complaining about how much time you spend with other people, especially males.

Because you love him, you frequently reassure him of your love for him.

You don’t just stop at mere words.

Actions speak louder than words, eh?

So, you cut back on the amount of time you spend with friends.

You reduce the way you interact with males, both at work and in the community.

You are doing all these to ensure your husband feels secure in the relationship.

However, all your efforts don’t seem to be enough because he is still not satisfied.

He still displays that irrational streak of jealousy.

Your husband is insecure, and that’s why he does the things he does.

For insecure husbands, it’s always him versus every other male in your life.

3. He is over-critical

One time, a friend asked me why short guys can be really proud.

I laughed and said it was their own way of making up for the height disadvantage.

But seriously, I had noticed that most of the short guys I knew had chips on their shoulders.

So, they are trying to pick something from a really high place.

Many of the short guys I know would rather build a ladder from scratch than ask a tall guy for help.

I think people will always try to overcompensate to ensure that people’s attention is no longer on their “supposed flaws.”

For the record, I think all of us are perfectly made by God.

We really just need to get comfortable in our own skins.

For the insecure married man, criticism is his armor.

He can and will criticize you and any other person for even the slightest mistakes.

It is usually a way to mask his own insecurities.

If you notice your husband always seems to find fault in anything you do, it could be a sign that he is insecure.

Now, let’s look into the warped logic behind this action.

An insecure married man is insecure because he feels like his wife deserves better than him for reasons known only to him.

To prevent her from discovering that she is too good for him, he goes ahead to criticize her all the time.

This is a way to make her feel terribly flawed and reduce her self-esteem.

Now that she feels that way, she may think of herself as a bumbler who is lucky to be married to her insecure husband.

Looks very devious, right?

The fact is that while this may not be the actual conscious thought process of an insecure, this is his subconscious reason for doing many of the things he does.

4. He always keeps scores

Having a retentive memory has always been a blessing when it applies to other things.

However, if your husband seems to have a retentive memory for wrongs, you are probably going through a lot.

One thing insecure married men usually do is that they never forget anything you do wrong.

Even when you apologize and he says he has forgiven you, he has actually stored the whole issue in his mental archives for future use.

He also keeps track of every real or perceived imbalance in your relationship.

As much as he is likely to remind you of your past offenses when it suits him, he is also quite inclined to list all the times he contributed more to the relationship than you.

He has the tendency to remind you of all the times he had to stay with the kids while you were out “gallivanting” with friends.

At some point, it begins to feel like you are involved in a business enterprise where one partner feels like he should get more dividends than a marriage.

If you notice that your husband has started keeping scores in the relationship, it is a sign that he is feeling insecure.

5. He withdraws emotionally

When I was feeling insecure in my relationship, the next thing I did was to act like it didn’t matter.

I erected a wall that would put the Great Wall of China to shame and hid behind it.

This way, I felt that my emotions were protected even if she ended up leaving me.

I became distant, reduced how I called and stopped replying to chats quickly.

This was my own way of protecting myself from the hurt I knew I would have felt if she left me.

It is the wrong thing to do.

This is how insecurity usually makes your partner leave the relationship.

It makes you imagine that they may be thinking of leaving you.

Then, it makes you behave irrationally.

Finally, your partner leaves the relationship.

The saddest part is that you believe that you were right about them all along without realizing that your actions made them walk away.

The point is, instead of confronting their insecurities, some men might withdraw emotionally.

They might become distant, avoiding deep conversations or any situation that might expose their vulnerabilities.

This creates a great gulf between couples, and if it is not bridged, it could lead to the end of the relationship.

6. He is usually defensive

Conversations between couples are supposed to be free-flowing affairs, with everybody contributing and sharing their perspectives.

Well, if you are married to an insecure man, it is hard to have constructive conversations.

One thing I noticed during my brief period of being insecure is that every correction, advice, or suggestion seems like an attack on your personality.

It feels like criticism- something that you must defend yourself against.

So if you say, “I think you need to put more time into studying for your professional exams,” his brain interprets it as “you are lazy.”

Suddenly, he feels the need to defend himself, and soon, what was meant to be a simple conversation becomes a full-blown war, with missiles deployed on all sides.

It feels like no matter how hard you work towards a solution, he doesn’t seem to get it.

Rather, he just sees it as an attack on his personality and fights back.

If every conversation turns into a conflict, it is a sign that something is terribly wrong in your relationship.

7. He overcompensates

To counteract their insecurities, some men might go to great lengths to prove their worth.

They may try to do spectacular things for their wives just to show that they are worthy of being loved.

This is why I usually tell ladies that the intention of the gifter matters far more than the gift.

An insecure married man can give you extravagant gifts, but his intention is not to appreciate you.

Rather, his intention is to make you appreciate him.

Some men even take loans to fund these gestures because they actually can’t afford it.

Any man who behaves this way is insecure and is digging a financial pit for himself.

Also, there’s the tendency to take on more responsibilities than they can handle.

When a married man feels insecure, he may start taking on more responsibilities in the marriage.

He pays for all the bills, even if it is supposed to be a shared responsibility, helps with the house chores, and does other things without being asked to.

While all these actions might seem positive, they are usually driven by a need to prove oneself.

The fact is that if he isn’t careful, an insecure man can push himself till he breaks down just because he wants to prove himself to his wife.

8. He seeks external validation

One time, I found that I wasn’t finding happiness in myself.

I couldn’t see the essence of my existence without looking at the things I have done as benchmarks.

So, I threw myself into activities.

I taught tutorials here and there for free.

I helped people with their tasks when I should have been focused on myself.

I did all these things to my own detriment because I wanted to hear people say, “He is such a good guy.”

I recently realized this and stopped being so desperate for external validation.

I now feel less fatigued than I used to feel.

A major way of knowing that your husband feels insecure is how he seems to prioritize every other person but himself.

He is out there all the time, putting his effort into getting validation for himself.

He works himself to death at work just so he can be called a great worker.

He pours himself out into other relationships just to receive the validation he thinks he is not getting from you.

This is his way of feeling valued and appreciated when he is struggling to find that validation within himself.

If you notice these behaviors in your partner, it’s important to approach the situation with empathy and understanding.

Communicating openly with your husband is key.

Encourage your husband to share his feelings and listen without judgment.

Never get tired of reassuring him of your love and commitment.

You may consider seeking professional help if the insecurities are deeply rooted and affecting the relationship significantly.

There is only so much that you can do.

In all of this, never forget to prioritize your well-being.