A Season of Singleness: Confronting the Coaches

If you tuned into the Olympic Games this summer, you undoubtedly got used to the split-screen, minute-by-minute coverage of the athletes’ best and worst moments. But can you imagine if the details of our lives got the same airtime? Imagine for a moment being a single woman . . . 

It’s Sunday morning, and a camera crew trails behind you as you get out of your car in the church parking lot a few minutes before your new Bible study is scheduled to begin. You open the door, and commentators begin to speak in hushed tones. “There she goes. It’s her first time visiting this single adults ministry, but she—oooooh. Did you see that? It appears her sandal got caught in the carpet. Let’s rewind the tape.”

The moment is rewound and replayed for the primetime-viewing audience: on one side of the screen is your stumble in slow motion. On the other, a camera zooms in on your parents’ in-the-moment response. They wince at the initial trip and then begin to clap. “Nice save. Nice save.” 

As you arrive at the welcome table positioned outside of the room where the class meets, the broadcast begins playing a pre-filmed, two-minute overview of your life story. It ends with a final sound bite from a hopeful family member: “She’s such an amazing person. We think she’s going to do great at this new church. All we want is for her to finally meet the man she’s supposed to spend the rest of her life with.” 

Confronting the Coaching

If you’re a single woman, do you ever feel as though your life is filled with endless commentary and coaching from others? You may have found that while many people—godly parents, mentors, and friends—provide wisdom you’re grateful for from the sidelines of your life . . . others offer advice from their couch, like an armchair quarterback who barely understands the rules of the game. 

If you’ve tried to focus on what matters while tuning out unhelpful suggestions, you know how frustrating and difficult that can be. 

• How do you respond biblically when your parents or other family members say that if you would just [fill in the blank], you would no longer be single? 
• How do you respond to pressure from those who believe getting married should be your primary goal, even your motivation for going to church or getting involved in Christian community?

Here are three kinds of couch coaches you’re likely to encounter as a single woman and Christ-honoring ways for you to respond, all adapted from the Singled Out 30-Day Challenge.

Couch Coach #1: The One with All the Clichés

Have you ever heard the “secret” to finding a spouse? This one has been passed down by grandmothers and goes something like this: “When you’re not looking for love, that’s when it will find you.” Or said another way: “As soon as you’re content, the right relationship will happen.”

Except . . . you’ve tried that. It doesn’t work, and it doesn’t even make sense. You know you’re unable to force God’s hand or make Him act in your ideal timing (Psalm 115:3). Is it even possible to reach a place where you’re completely content? Author Colleen Chao addressed this question during a conversation with Dannah Gresh:

One of the things that helped me a lot was kind of giving up this ideal of “arriving at contentment.” I could not “arrive” at something that some people, I think, wanted me to “arrive” at. Instead, day by day, I would run into the arms of Jesus. 

There were days I was content, and then there were days I wrestled so hard, and I grieved. I think that was the gift in it. I was needing to go to Christ daily, and not arriving at this new state of being. Instead, to go to Him on the daily—sometimes hourly—basis, saying, “God, this is so hard! I don’t understand what You’re doing, but I know You’re good!” 

The next time someone suggests you just need to reach a place of contentment in order to find a spouse, you can gently let them know you don’t believe contentment is a magic key that will unlock the gift of marriage and that you don’t think there’s a list or checkbox to mark off before God grants you your desires. 

You can also share that what you’re learning about contentment is that it’s not just a stage you arrive at once and for all, but it’s a day-by-day (and hour-by-hour) dependence on Jesus. This doesn’t only apply to singleness. There’s grace to be discovered when you rely on the Lord and you learn to trust His goodness, especially when the discomfort of your season or circumstances doesn’t go away. After all, Paul “learned the secret of being content” from a prison cell (Phil. 4:12). 

The Lord may not supply you with what you want at the exact moment you want it, but as you depend on Him, you’ll discover that His presence is your good—and you’ll long for others to encounter Him as well (Psalm 73:28). May what Colleen encountered in her single years become true of your life as well: 

I remember a couple of married friends saying, “I don’t experience Jesus like you do.” I think it was that daily running into Him so desperately . . . to go to Him became a beautiful love relationship and [a source of] strength.”

Coach #2: The One with a Quick Fix

Remain single long enough, and you’ll find that people want to figure out why you’re not yet married. Sometimes they wrap their confusion in a compliment: “You’re such a great person. I just don’t get it. How are youstill single?” Sometimes they’re just suspicious: “Really, why are you still single?” 

Underneath the question is the underlying assumption that something is wrong with you. If the “coach” in your life can pinpoint your problem, they’ll assume they’ll be able to “fix” your singleness:

• “What if you lost weight?” 
• “What if you wore more makeup?” 
• “What if you spent more time in a church’s singles ministry?” 

When someone makes you feel as though you’re a problem that needs to be fixed:

• Embrace the accusation. 

You may be asking yourself, “Aren’t we supposed to shut down lies with truth?” Yes. It’s true that making a quick fix won’t guarantee an outcome. It’s also true that as a follower of Christ, you’re not perfect as you are. You needed a Savior for salvation, and you need a Savior to finish the good work He began in you (Phil. 1:6). One way to remove some of the insult of someone’s suggestion is to lay aside your pride and humbly accept that, yes, there are areas where you could continue to grow.

• Embrace grace. 

As John Piper has said, “Grace is power, not just pardon.” The same power you experienced at salvation is at work in you now—to forgive those who have made hurtful comments, to enable you to identify and grow in true problem areas, and to believe that God is the one who rules. As you consider some of the quick fixes you’ve been told to make, take time to process them before the Lord. Will you ask Him to help you forgive those who have offended you? 

If you feel the wounds of careless words today, don’t forget that your Savior empathizes with each one. Thank Him for the grace that was purchased through His scars and for providing the ultimate solution to all of the hurts and hang-ups you’ll ever encounter on this side of heaven.

Coach #3: The One Who Is Grieving Too

Maybe you thought you’d be married by now. You thought that after you finished college, or after you entered your thirties or forties, you’d find a husband and finally have kids. But year after year has gone by, and now? It feels as though your timeline has completely fallen apart. 

If your “coach” is a parent, they may feel a similar way whether or not they’ve communicated their feelings to you. Your dad may have hoped he’d have a son-in-law by now. Your mom may have filled a closet shelf with little gifts for the grandchildren she’s looked forward to meeting. As they have watched their friends’ kids get married, they may have felt an ache in their hearts that they have missed out or have been left behind. 

In the book You Can Trust God to Write Your Story, Nancy and Robert Wolgemuth share the story of a woman named “Cassandra,” who remained single into her fifties: 

How does Cassandra deal with the unfulfilled longings still in her heart? “‘By counseling my heart according to God’s Word,’ seems like the perfect Sunday school answer,” she says. “But it’s true; it works.” Cassandra has learned through the years that talking to God when she’s lonely, overwhelmed, jealous, or fearful brings her comfort and direction. 

She chooses to look for the good in each day rather than focusing on what she thinks she is missing out on. “I’ve been given today to prove God is sufficient,” she says.

And He is.¹

Those giving you advice may need to be reminded that the Lord is sufficient for them as well. In Psalm 23:1, David wrote, “The LORD is my shepherd; I have what I need.” Let those two statements guide your own response to others. Remind them that the Lord is a good shepherd. He is sovereign over your timeline—and theirs. He isn’t withholding what’s needed. Look back on all of the ways He has already provided, and let the circumstances you’re in now prove that He is sufficient.

Before You Mute the Channel 

No matter where you went earlier this summer—whether you were walking into a crowded restaurant or a friend’s home, the Olympics were likely on the television with the commentary muted to allow for conversation. When it comes to hearing the coaching and comments regarding the topic of your singleness, you may be tempted to simply mute their feedback and continue on. 

You have an opportunity to return their feedback with gracious and truth-filled coaching of your own. The next time you’re offered advice, take the occasion to redirect it back to Christ. Offer them a new understanding of contentment, the kind that isn’t trying to force the Lord’s hand but is fixed on the absolute sufficiency of Christ. 

If this blog post by Katie or other Revive Our Hearts content on singleness has been a blessing to you, would you consider partnering with us to provide more resources like this to women desperately in need of finding freedom, fullness, and fruitfulness in Christ? Revive Partners are part of a team of faithful monthly contributors whose gifts make it possible for Revive Our Hearts to produce biblically rich content to help women be fruitful in every season of life. Learn more by visiting ReviveOurHearts.com/partner. 

¹ Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth and Robert D. Wolgemuth, You Can Trust God to Write Your Story: Embracing the Mysteries of Providence (Chicago: Moody Publishers, 2019), 77.