An Abuser’s Tactics: Nitpicking - The DV Walking Wounded
***TRIGGER WARNING!*** This blog article references physical abuse! Please proceeding reading with caution!
What is nitpicking? Well, it derived from picking lice eggs/larvae, also known as nits, out of a person’s hair. You have to use an ultra fine tooth comb and have a keen eye, as well as go slow and small section-by-section; otherwise, the person will have a re-infestation of head lice. However, in this instance, it’s not that positive. Here is what I mean:
According to Dictionary.com:
nit·pick·ing noun
- the finding or pointing out of minor faults in a fussy or pedantic way.”he endured a ridiculous amount of nitpicking, considering what he did achieve”
So, nitpicking (or as I now call “nitwit picking” because I now recognize abusers as “nitwits” who “pick at things to argue about”) is when an abuser concentrates on being selective about things that matter to them, scrutinizing the other party to the point of obsession. This leaves their victim feeing as though they are always “under the microscope” and never good enough. This definitely is coercive control and a power-and-control move. They are the vermin, in this instance. They can be an intimate partner, a parent, a sibling, a co-worker, or even a “friend.”
The best way I can illustrate this is through examples. My Abuser would pick my clothes. It didn’t matter if I didn’t like the color, they weren’t flattering for my shape, or appropriate for my job, he would just buy them if they struck his fancy. He also had NO idea what size ANYTHING that I wore. He also NEVER asked, like EVER. If I went to take whatever he bought me to exchange for something that would actually fit, he’d become enraged about how ungrateful I was. Many times I’d just wear it. This was the case with some lingerie that he purchased. It felt like it was cutting into me in a very delicate area, ripping apart right away when I barely moved. Then I had to hear him scream about how fat I was and he couldn’t bear to look at me. Humiliating.
He was also very particular about my “look.” I had to look wholesome and virginal, even though I had two kids already. When my second child was little, I got a second set of piercings in my ears. He had previously warned me about NOT doing this, but the earring place was having a piercing special, so I did it wondering how long it would take him to notice. Two months later, he calmly told me that he’d seen my insolence and luckily it looked okay. I also wasn’t allowed to have but one tattoo…he’d flip if he knew I currently had 13, with one being a sleeve on my right arm, which I did to hide scars inflicted by him!
Yet another example is making sure the bathroom sink was clean looking, ALWAYS. One day I had overslept (I was up the night before with a child with a nightmare who wanted me to sleep with them the rest of the night) and was about to be late for work. I hurriedly brushed my teeth, not rinsing my spittle down the drain. I left in a whirlwind, barely making it to work on time. WHEW! He arrived home before I did, which was normal. I got pulled into the “Spanish Inquisition”…did we live in a Trap house??? He grabbed me by my neck and pushed my face down toward the sink and made me look at the dried toothpaste close-up. After I acknowledged my negligence, he shoved my head down, cracking my forehead on the sink, to teach me to “think and to NEVER let it happen again.” I cooked dinner in a haze and probably had a small concussion. I honestly never had it checked out. From then on, I made sure to rinse everything, no matter how late I was running. He would shave and leave his beard stubble in the sink with the slimy shaving lotion residue — which was probably a test to see if I’d leave it…OF COURSE I DIDNT…I still, to this day, rinse things thoroughly regardless. The fallout of nitpicking, I guess…
He also wanted me to dress our kids in the trendiest clothes, but didn’t want to give me money to help out with that. I did inform both Grandmas, who helped some, but I started looking at Goodwill. Later, he found one with a Goodwill tag and was furious. “Our children are not to dress like welfare kids [sic]!!!” So I started shopping consignment stores, which was oddly acceptable, but I still shopped Goodwill to supplement, just being careful to remove the tags. I then returned the items to the consignment store (IF they were in good condition AND no longer fit my child). I would then build credit at the consignment stores, which turned out to be super helpful to me in clothing my kids, because over time he gave me less and less funds, as a way to control me and make me beg for money. I also had a similar experience with anything food wise that I purchased at Big Lots. I wasn’t worried, as their food is always “in date” and can come from major retailers and even specialty retailers like Whole Foods. Yes, even pet food and supplies, toys for holidays, etc. would get me interrogated and smacked, if they bore the orange Big Lots price tag. I was ultra careful! I still had to save money AND feed my family.
So, if you’ve ever found yourself in a situation where someone constantly criticizes and finds flaws in everything you do, listen up. Chances are, you are dealing with a nitpicker who uses this manipulation tactic to exert control over you. This behavior can be emotionally exhausting and damaging. But. now we will discuss how to thwart said nitpicking by an abuser.
First and foremost, as a reminder, it’s important to understand that nitpicking is not about the small details or mistakes, it’s about power and control. Abusers use this tactic to belittle and undermine their victims, creating an atmosphere of self-doubt and dependence. If you find yourself constantly walking on eggshells, feeling like you can never do anything right, it’s a clear sign.
The first step to dealing with nitpicking is to recognize and acknowledge it. Often, abusers use subtle jabs and comments that may seem harmless at first. However, over time, these accumulate and can have a significant impact on your self-esteem and mental well-being. So, if you notice a pattern of constant criticism and pinpointing of your mistakes, it’s time to take a step back and evaluate your relationship dynamics. Much of mine was aimed at my physical appearance and presentation, because he knew I was insecure about it already.
Once you have identified the abusive nitpicking, the next step is to set boundaries. Abusers often sense vulnerability and use it to their advantage. It’s crucial to establish clear boundaries and communicate your expectations. For example, you can say, “I will not tolerate being constantly criticized and belittled. If you have constructive feedback, please approach me in a respectful manner.” By doing so, you are taking control and not allowing the abuser to dictate the terms of your relationship. Warning, they will get mad and bait you. Respond using Grey Rock, meaning indifference and vagueness.
Another effective way to thwart nitpicking is to practice self-love and self-care. Abusers thrive on their victim’s insecurities, so it’s essential to build a strong sense of self-worth. Treat yourself with kindness and compassion, and remind yourself that you are not defined by someone else’s opinion of you. Surround yourself with positivity, engage in activities that bring you joy, and practice self-affirmations. By loving yourself, you are building a strong defense against the abuser’s tactics. Affirmations, during a private moment, can help greatly! Don’t forget Innertune!!
In addition to setting boundaries and practicing self-care, it’s crucial to seek support from trusted friends and family members. Abusers often isolate their victims, making it harder for them to reach out for help. Don’t be afraid to confide in someone you trust and seek their advice and support. It’s also essential to seek professional help if the nitpicking has escalated into physical or emotional abuse. A trained therapist can provide you with the necessary tools and support to break free from an abusive relationship.
Thus, it’s crucial to recognize this behavior and take steps to thwart it before it escalates into a more severe form of abuse. Remember to set boundaries, practice self-love, and seek support from trusted individuals. You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness, and no one has the right to nitpick at your self-worth. Trust your instincts, and never hesitate to reach out for help. Stay strong, and remember, you are enough just the way you are.
Love and light! <3
