Are You an Intentional Grandparent? - Lisa E Betz
My husband and I recently became a grandparents. We are excited to embark on this new phase of life and look forward to many happy times with grandchildren.
As with all else, I want to be intentional about this area of life, so when a friend told me about a book called Intentional Grandparenting by Peggy Edwards and Mary Jane Sterne, I couldn’t pass it up.
The book is a compilation of wisdom gained by the authors, input from experts, and polls of grandparents, parents, and grandchildren. It’s divided into ten Principles of intentional grandparenting: from “Determine What Kind of Grandparent Do You Want To Be” to “Be Playful and Spontaneous” to “Stay in Touch.”
This is not a book full of mind-blowing concepts, cutting edge research, or deep philosophical concepts. It’s a simple-to-read book filled with practical advice and encouraging anecdotes from people of all ages about the importance of grandparents.
5 Takeaways from Intentional Grandparenting
1) Be aware of setting precedents
You may have time to attend every soccer game of grandchild #1, but what about when you have five or six who all play sports and participate in other activities? Ditto with going overboard on gifts. Consider how you can wisely spread your time energy and attention equitably over multiple years and multiple kids before you create an expectation that will come back to haunt you.
Remember, grandparents are in the game for the long haul, so keep things in balance and do your best to be fair.
A word about fairness. We should strive to be equitable in our interactions with all our grandchildren, but fairness doesn’t mean giving every grandchild the exact same amount of time, attention, or money. Every child’s needs are different. So are their temperaments. Some may need more time to bond than others. On top of that, there are different family dynamics to balance. Our goal is to love each one fully and give each of them our undivided attention when we can, but how that looks will vary depending on the situation, age, interests, etc.
2) Your kids will not parent the same way you did
One of the key points that was mentioned over and over in the book was to honor and support the parents as they parent our grandchildren. We must remember that times change and medical experts discover new and (often) better ways to raise healthy children.
Therefore, our children will not make the same decisions we did about feeding, discipline, sleeping arrangements, etc. And it’s OK!
Wise grandparents are intentional about communicating with the parents regarding their expectations for behavior and discipline of the grandchildren. That way, we can reinforce instead of work against them.
Children thrive on stability and consistency. While we can establish our own house rules, we must also be willing to cooperate with parents to create a safe and consistent environment, even when that means some things don’t happen the way we think is best.
3) Don’t compete
We are not in a competition to win more of our grandkids’ love than anyone else. Grandparents should choose to cooperate with parents, step-parents, and other grandparents in order to be there for the grandchildren. We don’t need to outdo or out-spend anyone in order to show our love. The best thing we can do for our grandchildren is decide to be a united team, moving past our differences to jointly support and cheer them on. (The authors both have experience with blended families and offer a whole chapter on this.)
4) Look for opportunities to fill the gaps
Busy parents may not have time to teach their kids all the household skills we learned as a child. This is an opportunity for grandparents to step in and teach our grandkids practical stuff like: baking, garden, carpentry, basic repairs, or even how to mow the lawn. (I remember my grandmother teaching me how to iron. We practiced on Grandpa’s handkerchiefs.)
Look for other ways to nurture their interests with our energy and attention. Grandparents may have time to do crafts, read books, enjoy a pretend tea party, hunt for worms in the backyard, or just watch silly videos together. Play is very important to a child’s development, so never underestimate the importance of grandparent-grandchild play time. For older kids, grandparents might be able so subsidize a special interest like music lessons or a trip to a specific museum.
5) Don’t wait until you “have more time”
The first six years of a child’s life are critically important for their development. If you want your grandchildren to thrive, be there for those important early years, even if you’re still working a full-time job. Sure you may dream of the great vacations you can take with your grandkids when you retire, but don’t allow those dreams to lull you into missing out on the opportunities of the present.
Final thoughts
I hope I’ve inspired you to take a more intentional view of being grandparents. Like any other area of life, we need to pay attention and do a little planning if we want to live up to our goals and values. Setting your expectations and thinking ahead can help you become the awesome grandparents you want to be!
