Comfort for the Discomfort — Grateful, yet Grieving
Since my husband died, I am more selective in choosing which movies to watch. In the past, I could easily watch a rom-com or a love story without a problem. However, that no longer works for me. I’m not a prude, but watching other people make out creates a discomfort I would like to avoid. What it triggers in me is a longing for something I no longer have. It’s like going to the candy store and standing at the counter, looking at all the sweet treats, knowing I can’t have any. It hurts. While I try to avoid seeing people show public displays of affection, sometimes it shows up.
Earlier this month, I went to a baseball game with three friends, all widows. We had great seats and enjoyed the experience, except for one thing. Two rows in front of us sat a couple that appeared deeply enamored with one another. The female sat with her head turned toward her male friend most of the game, with doe eyes gazing into his. Because they were in front of us, it was impossible not to notice. Throughout the game, she stayed fixed on him. Several times, they kissed. Obviously, they were in love and not shy about displaying their affection. There was certainly nothing wrong or inappropriate in what this couple did.
After the game, while leaving the parking lot, I asked my friends what they thought. We agreed that it was uncomfortable. Being in a situation where you can’t “change the channel,” we all faced the reality of something we no longer have: a partner, their affection, and their companionship. If you were to ask someone who has a spouse, it probably would not have bothered them. However, for us, it was front and center. We all felt the discomfort.
So what’s the remedy? Where’s the comfort in the discomfort? Being aware of the discomfort allows us to decide what to do. We can let it paralyze us or let it lead us to a deeper grasp of what we still have. We can feel all the emotions it leaves us with while being grateful for all we had in the past and all we still have in the present.
I have found comfort in a book called, “Liturgy for Embracing Both Joy & Sorrow” by Douglas McKelvey, found in Volume II, Death, Grief, and Hope. This quote in the form of a prayer expresses the comfort in the discomfort; “Do not be distant, O Lord, lest I find this burden of loss too heavy, and shrink from the necessary experience of my grief. O Lord, lest I become so mired in yesterday’s hurts, that miss entirely the living gifts this day might hold.”
In our grieving, we are faced with choices to focus on what we no longer have or on what we still have. We miss our loved one, of course, but let’s not miss all that remains, being grateful, while still grieving.
