Dear DM, I want to reconcile, but... - Divorce Minister
I married my husband after 1.5 years of dating, in church. Both of us were Christian or so I thought. After 9 months of marriage, when I was 36 weeks pregnant, my husband came back from an overseas trip and told me he cheated on me. He asked for a divorce.
He had been experiencing job difficulties since 5 months ago and quit his job suddenly becoming unemployed for 1.5 months before taking on a new job with a much lower salary. During his unemployment days, he starting playing computer games compulsively and met this girl online, who is based overseas.
I also found out then that he has been gambling online and lost 50k of my money that he took from me under false pretenses. While we were dating, I only knew he gambled while the World Cup was ongoing. Otherwise he didn’t buy the lottery, scratch cards etc. also previously when I requested he stop gambling he would comply.
Since then, he has gone back to his parents’ house while I stayed on in our marital home for my delivery and to look after our child. We have been discussing separation (this is 2 months after the disclosure) due to financial issues. He is in credit card debt due to his gambling addiction and he can no longer pay the mortgage of the flat. He has also gone overseas every weekend since I’ve delivered.
Although he has told his mother that he was addicted to gambling and has stopped gambling for now, he has not taken responsibility for his actions. He has blamed me, the mortgage, my parents for the state of things at this point. I have tried to get the church to talk to him, counseling but he has refused everything.
I still hope for reconciliation in a sense that I still love him or rather the man that he portrayed himself to be when I married him. I also want my son to have a complete family. Yet my head knows that this is only possible when he gives himself to God and accepts responsibility for what has happened. I’m devastated by what has happened. The delivery and the 1st month after was really hard for me to go through as I was alone. Part of me also wonders what did I do to deserve this.
Sometimes, it is helpful to lay out the things our cheaters have done. Writing it out helps us to see things more clearly.
Even a child is known by his doings, whether his work be pure, and whether it be right.
-Proverbs 20:11, KJV
What does your husband’s actions say about him?
He is the type of person who…
- …was unable to remain faithful even for the first year of marriage (let alone the lifetime that he freely vowed)!
- …makes a request for divorce rather than repents when disclosing his infidelity.
- …was willing and did cheat on his wife while she was carrying his child!
- …stole a large sum of money from his (now) wife.
- …continues to take overseas (where his mistress was/is???) weekend trips despite not having money due to his gambling addiction and having a newborn son needing his care.
- …blame-shifts when talking about the consequences of his sinful, destructive behavior.
- …refuses to get help at the church for his behavior.
These are not behaviors of someone who is repentant. You do not have anything to work with here from what I see as far as a godly restoration of your marriage is concerned.
You write,
I still hope for reconciliation in a sense that I still love him or rather the man that he portrayed himself to be when I married him. I also want my son to have a complete family. Yet my head knows that this is only possible when he gives himself to God and accepts responsibility for what has happened. I’m devastated by what has happened. The delivery and the 1st month after was really hard for me to go through as I was alone. Part of me also wonders what did I do to deserve this.
You do not control whether or not your husband will stay in the picture with your son. This means this dream is not within your grasp to deliver. That stinks but is reality. We do not control what other people do or decide.
What is in your grasp to deliver is a safe and sane home for your son that you the sane, stable parent can provide.
You wonder about what you did to deserve this. There is nothing someone can do to deserve this sort of treatment. Nothing. Marital infidelity is never justified.
However, I would encourage to ask yourself if you are willing to tolerate this ongoing ungodly behavior? Is this acceptable to you?
Honestly, divorce may just be “addition by subtraction” as the saying goes. He already is a demonstrated thief and liar. Just think of all the emotional energy you would have if you did not have to deal with his crazy, abusive behavior!
I get that it is hard to let go of the dream. However, I would encourage you to look at the behavior. It is incredibly disrespectful of you.
Plus, you have given him many chances–undeserved–to repent, and he has chosen to attack you by blame-shifting, instead. Not cool. That is the opposite of repentance, in my opinion.
Pay attention to his behavior.
What his behavior says to me is that he is not interested in repenting and will continue to harm you as long as it suits his interests. That is a dangerous thing for you. Wisdom says to get away and fast!
PS If you have not already, please check for Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) with your medical provider. Cheaters are known to be reckless, and he may as well have put your life at risk with his behavior.
